What the interpreter heard

The following is an excerpt from notes taken by the American interpreter present at the private meeting between President Trump and Vladimir Putin:

“Comrade President Trump, we go meet press soon.  As Russian intelligence asset you suck.  You act too much like puppy in my lap.  Always key to being good asset is subtlety and discretion.  You behave too much like my bitch.  You must project strong leadership.  Strength and virility, that is what people respect.”  

“Yes, I know.  I’m trying very, very hard, Comrade Putin.  Something about when I get in the presence of powerful, foreign leaders – my knees get weak.  I turn into a little Soviet schoolgirl.” 

“Come, I want for you to drink this vodka before we go meet press.  Make you tough guy, like Charles Bronson.  This vodka why we have no homosexuals in Russia.”

“Sweet Mother of Stalin that shit is strong.  Listen, Vlad, the world doesn’t understand this thing we have.  How could they?  They are like scared, chattering mice.  We are big strong bears.  Come, give me a big Russian bear hug.”

“Stop it, you American clown!  Pull yourself together.  You must convince world Russia did not interfere in American election.”

“Comrade Putin, I was very impressed with the shirtless photo shoot you did on that horse.  Stunning.  Absolutely stunning.  What a powerful presence.  I would love to do something like that, but you could never get me on a horse.  Maybe I could ride an escalator – a shimmering golden escalator in Trump Moscow.  Eh?  What do you think?”

“Nyet.  Enough with the Trump Moscow.  Now eat this caviar.  Turn your yankee doodle into ICBM.”

“But seriously, did they touch up those photos at all?  Maybe they could photo shop my chest and make it look a little firmer, less flabulous.  Is that a word?  Melania says I look flabulous.  By the way, I got a guy who could do something with your hair.  Cover up that bald spot.”

“Silence, Comrade President.  Now we go meet press.  I give you soccer ball.  Please make gift to Pamela Anderson.  Tell her it must occupy special place of honor in her bedroom.” 

“Soccer balls.  I can tell you, I’m never playing World Cup with two hookers in a Moscow hotel room ever again.” 

Bill Shine appointment to bring WH messaging more in line with Fox News

Concerned that White House policy and messaging weren’t sufficiently in lock step with Fox News, President Trump has brought in former Fox News co-president Bill Shine to serve as Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications. 

The president has reportedly tasked Shine with sealing off the faint glimmer of day light that exists between White House communications and FNC reporting.  

According to anonymous White House officials, President Trump has been frustrated at the hostile line of questioning he’s received during recent appearances on his favorite morning news show Fox and Friends.

Another point of contention the president would like Shine to address is the apparent lack of deference the Fox News presenters show the president and the office he holds. 

“You know a real state run media wouldn’t allow these newscasters to get away with addressing me as Mr. President.  Too dull.  Way too informal.  Something like Dear Leader, or better yet, Supreme Commander of the Armed forces of the United States would be more appropriate for a man of my strength and brilliance.  Work on that, Shine,” President Trump reportedly instructed the incoming Deputy Chief of Staff.

As the size of the White House communications staff continues to shrink due to record departures and an apparent lack of interest among potential hires, the Trump administration sees this appointment as a first step in the process of outsourcing the entire communications operation to Fox News.

Rep. Jim Jordan has questions for FBI and Justice after Trump takes phone call from the deep state

Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio wasn’t born yesterday.  After news reports began to surface that President Trump had returned the call of a comedian posing as New Jersey  Senator Bob Menendez, Jordan was incredulous. 

“This appears to be yet another spying expedition ordered by the FBI in an attempt to bring down our president,” Jordan stated in a weekend appearance on Fox and Friends.

“This is as bad as it gets.  The Swamp will stop at nothing.  I’m calling on Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein to produce the FISA warrant application authorizing this Stuttering John character to surveil President Trump, and if I don’t get it, I’m going to subpoena those phone calls.”

This last statement produced audible giggles among the Fox and Friends cast and crew.

“Stop laughing.  I’m serious.  Man, why does everybody laugh when I talk about subpoenaing phone calls?

“Look, I’m sure the Swamp would love for President Trump to use a secure phone line or swap out his cell phone every month.  Sure, they could route his calls right into the deep state central switchboard.  That’s why he’s got Jared screening his calls.  No FBI spies giving him trouble and Putin on the line whenever he needs him.”