In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism. The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.
“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced. “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute. Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor. Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant. Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.
“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued. “I eat at that sushi restaurant. My family eats at that sushi restaurant. We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi. Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election. Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”
Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year. However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.
Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I love sushi. Also, I’m a clean freak. Who would do such a disgusting thing? I don’t go around licking things. Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”