Tag: Alvin Bragg

Trump to face additional charges of sushi terrorism

In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism.  The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.

“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced.  “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute.  Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor.  Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant.  Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.  

“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued.  “I eat at that sushi restaurant.  My family eats at that sushi restaurant.  We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi.  Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election.  Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”

Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year.  However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.  

Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism.  “I don’t know what he’s talking about.  I love sushi.  Also, I’m a clean freak.  Who would do such a disgusting thing?  I don’t go around licking things.  Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”

In an effort to combat inflation, President Biden faces intense pressure to lower legal age for claiming senior discounts

President Biden is under growing pressure from the left-wing of his party to lower the legal age at which one can claim a senior discount from 55 to 48.  

Facing a potential shellacking in the upcoming midterm elections due to rising inflation, Democrats are imploring the president to issue an executive order as soon as possible.

In most states the legal age for senior discounts varies between 55 and 62.  Congressional Democrats are calling for a national senior discount age that could potentially alleviate the pain of inflation for millions of Americans.

“We need a senior discount age that protects Americans across the nation.  We’re all seniors now.  Lower each state to 48,” Senator Elizabeth Warren lobbied the president.    

Adding to the urgency, business owners have seen a sharp rise in the number of individuals who do not qualify claiming senior discounts at the point of purchase.  

The problem has gotten so out of hand that county prosecutors are vowing to prosecute offenders to the fullest extent of the law.

“We’re prepared to throw the book at ‘em,” said Los Angeles District Attorney George Gascon, reacting to criticism that he’s soft on crime.  “We’ve got several informants working in various establishments keeping us plugged in to who are the worst offenders.  We caught a 25-year-old wearing a silver wig and trying to order off the senior menu.  We got a 32-year-old on camera using a walker and wearing a thrift store get up to claim a ten percent discount at the supermarket.” 

However, New York DA Alvin Bragg has a different suggestion for those wishing to get a head start on their golden years:  “Why don’t you just go in there and steal what you need?”