A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds. Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them. To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.
“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous. “This was like our Bay of Pigs. We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow. We were duped.”
This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill. However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.
“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas. “Most don’t stick with the program at first. They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”
A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.
“I still think the cause was just. But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon. “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”
Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21. Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular. Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.
Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts. As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country. Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination.
The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice. The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals. Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents. After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him. Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances.
Now that a Trump coup in January seems unlikely, some members of the media are scrambling to figure out what they’re going to do for the next four years. Journalists and commentators at HuffPost, Buzzfeed, Vox and MSNBC face the very real threat of extinction now that they’ve defeated fascism with their panicked reporting and merciless tweeting.
But what if they didn’t topple the dictator? What if in some parallel reality Trump prevailed and the United States is still suffering under the capricious dictates of a ruthless authoritarian? That’s the premise of a new television series being shopped around by a group of intrepid journos who are currently out of things to lose their shit over.
“Man on the High Escalator should allow us to continue cashing in on Trump hysteria for years to come,” said one reporter connected to the project. “It’s pretty much going to be nap time at the White House for the foreseeable future. Anyway, criticizing Biden will get your Twitter account locked, as we’ve seen with the New York Post. So Man on the High Escalator gives us a creative outlet to continue to cultivate a high level of Trump induced anxiety.”
The story will focus on a band of scrappy resistance journalists, forced by a repressive Trump regime to confine their words and reporting to widely viewed social media platforms, popular cable news television programs and freely available digital media websites. Their stories will shine a light of truth on the Trump administration’s brutal authoritarian crackdown against any whiff of dissent, including the arrest of demonstrators who are often detained for hours and released without charges.
Fighting fascism can be a lonely business. Especially when your movement can rely only on the support of former Democratic establishment officials in exile, a number of the world’s largest and most powerful tech companies, and many current and former senior officials of the national security state. Yet somehow these meagre few heroes of the underground take up the fight day after day and aim their Twitter fury at the heart of the tyrant.
Look for Man on the High Escalator, coming soon to a streaming service near you.
For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method. The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works.
“All I’m saying is give it a try. What do we have to lose? We’ve got some very good people working on this. Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.
Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.
“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department. “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls. People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“
“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”
At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice. “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life. Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.