Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”

Despite expert warnings, Trump continues to promote viral vacuuming

For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method.  The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works. 

“All I’m saying is give it a try.  What do we have to lose?  We’ve got some very good people working on this.  Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.

Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.

“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department.  “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls.  People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“ 

“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous.  “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”

At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice.  “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen?  If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life.  Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.