White House clarifies: Trump to impose marital, not martial law

White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office.  Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.

“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath.  POTUS is not declaring martial law.  With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets.  He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage.  That’s it, folks, marital law.  See, you just had a couple of letters turned around.  No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.

Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.

Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful.  The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this.  Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief.  It was really kind of sickening.  Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration.  I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson.  C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”  

Giuliani to drop bunker busting bombshell on impeachment hearings

Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr.  Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.  

Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump.  Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information.  I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”

Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump.  “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth.  Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”  

President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings.  “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive.  But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”