Month: September 2021

Long Beach officials announce plans for new offshore outlet mall

Officials in Long Beach, California today announced plans for an ambitious new offshore outlet shopping mall.  Developers and city officials hope the project, tentatively titled Bargain Barge Offshore Outlet, will serve a dual purpose.  First they plan to take advantage of all the sparsely utilized and underdeveloped aquatic space sitting offshore.  Second, they hope to alleviate the growing backlog of cargo ships waiting to dock at Long Beach ports.    

“Never before in history has anything like this been attempted – a floating outlet mall.  Shoppers will be able to board a barge, retailers will fling open the container doors and patrons will have access to all the latest products and styles at wholesale prices,” said Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia.  

Developers see the project as a means of delivering the absolute rock bottom lowest prices to the consumer. 

“We’ve quite literally cut out the middle men,” said project developer Rod Michael.  “No shipping companies or Amazon distribution taking their usual cut.  This product is direct from the manufacturer.  We’re calling it ‘China Fresh.’” 

Naturally, dock workers, distributors and some retailers are not pleased with the announcement.  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has already threatened to deploy his flying phallic rocket ship to torpedo any barge that opens its doors to the general public.  

Developers and city officials hope to break seawater on the project in the coming months with shopping to commence in time for Christmas. 

Amazon defends AI powered backseat drivers

Amid reports that Amazon AI cameras are punishing delivery drivers for safety errors, Amazon went on the record today defending their “backseat driver” technology.

“Our AI powered backseat drivers are designed first and foremost with the safety of the driver in mind.  If people have a problem with safety, then I don’t know what to tell them,” read an Amazon AI generated press release.

Since the AI powered cameras were installed in Amazon delivery vehicles, drivers have complained they’re being unfairly penalized for safety violations that are not their fault.  When a car cuts off an Amazon van in traffic, the AI camera will warn the driver in a menacing voice to “maintain a safe distance.”  The violation is attributed to the driver and factors into whether or not the driver receives a bonus that week.  Other violations include checking mirrors too frequently and fiddling with the radio knobs.     

“It gets pissed when I change the radio station,” said one driver.  “The backseat driver always wants to listen to adult contemporary or smooth jazz.  It says they’re more conducive to safe driving.  The damn backseat driver penalizes me every time I switch the radio to rap.  Aside from having shitty taste in music, I think the AI may be a little racist.”  

Some Amazon drivers are questioning whether the cameras are really AI driven or if something more sinister is at play.

“I hear these cameras are monitored by young people who get paid to sit at home and rat on us all day long.  Whoever these backseat drivers are, they’re so strict they make my mom look like a Hell’s Angel,” said the driver.