Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds.  Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them.  To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous.  “This was like our Bay of Pigs.  We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow.  We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill.  However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas.  “Most don’t stick with the program at first.  They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”   

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just.  But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon.  “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

Trump releases nominations for shadow government cabinet positions

Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21.  Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular.  Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.  

Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts.  As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country.  Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination. 

The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice.  The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals.  Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents.  After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him.  Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances.