February 2019 – If there is something

“Green New Deal me in,” tweets man from his sweat stained La-Z-Boy

From his malodorous, perspiration stained recliner, Jerry Osborn took to twitter today to announce his full-throated support for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal proposal.

“Green New Deal me in, AOC,” tweeted Mr. Osborn. “I’m also grateful that someone is finally recognizing the rights of those unwilling to work.”

Mr. Osborn is referring to language in the proposal that promises “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work.”

Interviewed at his home, Mr. Osborn recounted how he’d first learned of the proposal. “I was reclining in my La-Z-Boy with the television on, which is pretty much what I’m always doing. I was hazily drifting in and out of a queso induced stupor. I’d been mixing crackers and an assortment of soft cheeses with tortilla chips and queso dip, washing it down with red pop, when I heard a voice describe a proposal granting economic security for those unwilling to work. It must have taken a while for the sounds to navigate the network of sluggish neurons in my brain, because by the time I regained consciousness and the meaning dawned on me, the news was over and we were already twenty minutes into Wheel of Fortune.”

Mr. Osborn’s “Green New Deal me in” tweet has been liked and shared by hundreds of thousands, and has even led to a job offer to join the AOC staff as a social media consultant. However, Mr. Osborn isn’t going anywhere just yet. “Sorry, AOC, you’ll have to Green New Deal me out on that one.”

Billionaires abolished. Trillionaire Uncle Sam exempt.

Increasingly, members of Congress support measures to abolish America’s billionaires. Tough cookies if you happen to be a Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffet. However, Uncle Sam, America’s only trillionaire, stands to reap an enormous windfall if such measures were to be enacted.

In his piece for the New York Times, Farhad Manjoo discusses how a proposal might take shape. “Billionaire abolishment could take many forms. It could mean preventing people from keeping more than a billion in booty, but more likely it would mean higher marginal taxes on income, wealth and estates for billionaires and people on the way to becoming billionaires.”

Reached for comment on his yacht vacationing in the Arabian Sea, Uncle Sam was unable to restrain his enthusiasm, “More booty, hell yeah! How does everybody feel about more booty?” Deafening cheers amidst the rhythmic thump of loud music could be heard through the phone connection.

The call to abolish billionaires originates from the idea that having a billion dollars is immoral, and a system that creates billionaires is inherently corrupt. Manjoo illustrates this point, “At some level of extreme wealth, money inevitably corrupts. On the left and the right, it buys political power, it silences dissent, it serves primarily to perpetuate ever-greater wealth, often unrelated to any reciprocal social good….that level is self-evidently somewhere around one billion dollars; beyond that, you’re irredeemable.”

While Uncle Sam generally agrees with Manjoo’s point, he takes exception with the last part, “I believe one can be redeemed at the level of a trillion dollars. Once you’re at the level of a trillion, money ceases to have a corrupting influence. You take very seriously the extreme wealth the American people have imparted on you, and you don’t squander it on buying political power, silencing dissent, or trivialities unrelated to the social good. Now, if you’ll excuse me for one moment, the Royal Saudi Air Force is about to conduct exercises using shiny new American made fighter jets.”

According to polls, an overwhelming majority of Americans, both Democrat and Republican, favor proposals that would tax the rich. Expanding healthcare is a top priority of many members of Congress.

As the Trillionaire in Chief, Uncle Sam takes the public’s trust very seriously. Speaking from the deck of his luxury yacht, “Healthcare, closing the wealth gap, lifting people out of poverty, everybody knows I’m one hundred percent committed to reducing inequality…Hey, baby doll, go fetch your Uncle Sam another drink, would you?….Oh yeah, gender equity, we’re going to cover all that.”

The question remains, what to do with the 2500 or so abolished American billionaires? “I think I’ve got that one figured out,” says Uncle Sam. “We’ll banish them to an island in the Pacific – a sort of, Island of Misfit Billionaires, if you will. We’ll make them quite comfortable there.”

Morning Joe panel “Gab-smacked”

Apparently the Morning Joe crew was only interested in hearing one thing out of Rep. Tulsi Gabbard during her Wednesday appearance on the show: Assad = enemy.

Unable to get “enemy” after relentless questioning by Kacie DC, Morning Joe indicated that the panel would settle for “adversary”. When “adversary” wasn’t forthcoming, Mika desperately tried to get a word out of Gabbard, “If you cannot say that he’s an adversary or an enemy, what is Assad to the U.S.? What is the word?”

What is the word Rep. Gabbard? Just give us a word.

Gabbard actually gave them a lot of words. Words describing the U.S. troop presence in Syria as a mission to defeat ISIS and not “to wage yet another costly destructive regime change war.” Words decrying previous regime change wars and nation building attempts. Words critical of deploying U.S. troops without a clear mission or objective. Words taking Congress to task for abdicating their responsibility when it comes to deploying American troops.

Clearly, these weren’t the words the Morning Joe crew wanted to hear. Kacie DC looked positively thunderstruck, reminding Gabbard of Assad’s dirty deeds all while looking as if she were being dragged down the highway to hell.

Of course, almost instantaneously, heads began exploding all across the establishment media landscape, and like a middle school rumor, the MSM spread the news far and wide. “Hey, did you hear what Tulsi Gabbard said about Assad? Here watch this video of Tulsi Gabbard saying Assad is not the enemy of the United States.”

So if you follow the HuffPost, or if the Daily Beast reporting is something you take seriously, then Tulsi Gabbard is secretly in love with Assad, she’s being propped up by the Russians, she’s a darling of the far right, and she’s endorsed by David Duke.

Personally, I’m not aware of who or what David Duke endorses. It’s not something I follow. I don’t know what kind of barbecue sauce he favors, or which brand of mattress he prefers. Apparently, though, this is all something the Daily Beast takes seriously and tracks very closely.

For now, it seems the establishment media is making it clear there is no room for an anti-interventionist, anti-war candidate. Their only interest is to smear the outsider with bullshit stories that wouldn’t even fly on this blog because we’re only interested in mostly bullshit stories, not the heaping, steaming piles of pure, uncut bullshit they’re slanging at the Daily Beast and NBC. But I have to say, watching Rep. Gabbard call out NBC reporting to a stunned Morning Joe panel on NBC was pretty fucking cool.

The Warriors to get a social justice reboot

With the 40th anniversary of the The Warriors fast approaching, fans of the 1979 cult film classic are naturally expecting a reboot, and an eager Hollywood seems poised to deliver.

This week producers offered up a glimpse of the new release all updated for a new generation of hyper-woke snowflakes. Gone are the lawless street toughs of the original, replaced by a spoiled group of university students ready to battle every perceived injustice crossing their path.

The setting for Social Justice Warriors 2019 is the Yale University campus. When a small band of undergraduate do gooders find themselves stranded in a strange and unfamiliar part of campus, unjustly accused of cultural appropriation, the SJWs must battle their way back to their residence hall safe space with their fragile feelings intact.

Along the way, the SJWs clash with the university’s glee club whose occasional hand clapping they find anxiety producing in the extreme. After convincing the club to replace audible clapping with jazz hands, the SJWs then discover the jazz hands to be too unpredictable and demand the glee club just stick to finger snapping.

Additionally, they forbid the group’s director from conducting with his hands in any manner, much less brandishing a baton. Feeling threatened by the sudden hand movements, the Social Justice Warriors suggest he conduct simply by raising and lowering his eyebrows, even though they find these to be a bit bushy and menacing as well.

Later the SJWs encounter a manspreading mansplainer mandating in a manifestly offensive manner. A rapid fire round of ninja virtue signalling ensues, rendering the manspreading mansplainer mansobbing like a manbaby.

“Social Justice Warriors come out to play!”

In the film’s finale, before the SJWs can retire to their residence hall safe space, they must track down a MAGA troll and diffuse a dirty bomb set to release a cloud of weaponized toxic masculinity across the Yale campus. We won’t give away the ending, let’s just say, the patriarchy will never be the same.

Social Justice Warriors 2019 opens nationwide February 9th.

Howard Schultz can’t stop not complaining about being bullied

Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO flirting with a presidential run as an independent candidate, can’t seem to stop not complaining about all the media attention he’s currently getting. After all, the last thing an aspiring presidential candidate wants is a lot of public focus and free publicity from the American press corps. Just ask Donald Trump.

Enter The Daily Beast’s Sarada Peri with her insightful opinion piece entitled, “Powerful Men Can’t Stop Complaining That They’re Being Bullied”. With a title like that, I couldn’t wait to read about the many instances of this entitled billionaire wallowing in self pity over the treatment he’s receiving from political pundits. After all, Schultz is running for president, so he needs to man up and stop whining.

Peri wastes no time pinning Schultz to the wall as a serial grumbler, “And though he himself would never complain – at least not explicitly – others will say he has to put up with people trying to ‘bully’ him out of even running for president.” How diabolical of this man. He has a whole platoon of surrogates whining on his behalf, like baristas dispensing venti sized servings of grievances.

But Peri is not done throwing Schultz’s non-complaints back at him. She continues by giving the privileged billionaire a little friendly advice on what a prospective presidential candidate can expect from the press. “But if he feels this harassed by requests to explain himself more fully, then he is in for a rude awakening.” Admittedly, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, so I attempted to backtrack to the part where Peri quotes or paraphrases the Powerful Man Schultz complaining about the level of harassment he’s received. However, finding nothing, I’m forced to conclude there must have been some error in the editorial process, or perhaps Peri’s short term memory is a little compromised as well.

Anyway, Peri’s last at bat knocks it out of the park, exposing the sorry CEO as a serial complainer with a persecution complex. “But if Schultz himself truly believes that he’s being persecuted, then it would be best for him to take his ball and go home early.” Reader, I must apologize. I was unable to locate where Peri quoted Schultz or cited a television appearance of the slippery CEO whining about being persecuted. Also, what’s up with the “But ifs”? Can there be any question that this billionaire feels harassed and persecuted?

Perhaps I’m not giving the piece a careful enough reading, or I’m misunderestimating Peri’s ability as a journalist to read her subject’s intent and Powerful Man body language. If there is one thing we learned from the MAGA teen incident, it is that many of today’s journalists are uncannily adept at reading facial cues and interpreting them for the semi-literate masses. The rest of us rude mechanicals are simply too literal minded and incapable of peering into a man’s true nature when his words refuse to betray him. But if Peri truly believes she is able to remotely mind meld with a Powerful Man and extract unspoken thoughts from his big selfish brain, then who am I to doubt her special powers.

Sorry, Schultz, they’re onto your game. If you can’t stand the heat, pick up your ball and go home early.