Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office.  Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me.  The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban.  I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around.  Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts.  President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me.  I earn less than $99,000 a year.  Hell, I don’t even take a salary.  I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed.  “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic?  C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically.  Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned.  “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”

CDC changes guidelines again, replaces elbow bumps with butt bumps

For the third time in less than a week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is having second thoughts about a prior recommendation.  On its website, the CDC is now promoting butt bumps to replace the awkward elbow bump the agency promoted early on in the pandemic.  The elbow bumps were instituted after the more commonly used fistbump was deemed too risky and a possible virus spreader.  

“This is deeply concerning,” said ex-FDA chief Scott Gottlieb, appearing on CNBC’s “Claptrap.”  “The CDC is at risk of losing whatever tiny bit of credibility they have left.”

The new guidelines come just days after the agency posted and then retracted erroneous information regarding airborne particles, and less than a week after it reversed course on controversial testing recommendations. 

“Elbow bumps, fist bumps, to bump or not to bump…just tell me what to bump and I’ll bump it,” said an exasperated Gottlieb.

The new guidelines first appeared on the CDC website Thursday along with specific instructions for performing the butt bump.

“The participants shall face in opposite directions as they allow their hips to slide laterally and collide with one another,” read the agency’s instructions.

Health experts speculate that the advantage of the butt bump comes from the participants never having to face one another, thereby eliminating almost entirely any possibility of particle transmission.   

A promotional video showing participants butt bumping to “The Hustle” by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony is also available for viewing on the CDC website.      

Sting, Summers and Copeland address calls to “Defund The Police”

Members of 80’s rock band The Police issued a press release Thursday addressing growing calls in the United States and Britain to “Defund The Police.”

“There seems to be a lot of chatter in the media these days about defunding or even abolishing The Police.  So far, we’ve remained silent as a growing number of activists, public officials, journalists and even fellow entertainers have called for the dissolution of our band.  While we’re totally clueless to understand what we’ve done to deserve their scorn, we’re committed to making whatever changes are necessary to win back the public trust. 

“Additionally, we’ve been a little dismayed that in this era of social distancing our 1980 hit, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me,” has not enjoyed a greater resurgence in popularity.  Our management has contacted the CDC and NIH on multiple occasions, offering our song to be used in public service announcements.  Thus far, no response has been forthcoming.

“In these difficult times, we’re making a good faith effort to do our part for the greater good.  However, not buying our music benefits no one.  Imagine a world without “Roxanne,” “Message in a Bottle,” or “Every Breath You Take.”  Is that the kind of world you want to live in?  We think not.  Without these timeless classics to bind us together, our world would almost certainly descend into chaos and anarchy.

“So, unless your wish is to replace civil society with some joyless, dystopian hellscape where the music of The Police has been permanently abolished, and “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da” become merely the words of sputtering idiots, instead of the inspired lyrics of an immensely talented reggae rock trio, please consider funding The Police by purchasing some of our music.  Civilization may depend on it.”