Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office.  Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me.  The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban.  I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around.  Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts.  President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me.  I earn less than $99,000 a year.  Hell, I don’t even take a salary.  I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed.  “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic?  C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically.  Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned.  “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”