White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday.  Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden.  “White House, I can’t hold her!  She’s breaking up!  She’s breaking up!”  With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.  

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.  

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend.  Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package.  Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair.  Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate.  Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy. 

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived.  After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive.  Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it.  We have the technology.  We can build it back better than it was.  Better…stronger…faster.  It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Son presents dad with $20 school lunch bill wrapped in larger bill containing $35,000 in additional spending

Chuck Perkins got quite a surprise yesterday when his son’s normally reasonable school lunch bill came with an eye-popping $35,000 in additional outlays.

“I nearly swallowed my pipe,” said Perkins, who was relaxing in his favorite chair and reading the newspaper after a long work day.  “I’m used to just handing my son a twenty and getting back to my crossword, but oh my golly!”

The cause of Perkins’ distress had to do with a number of costly proposed spending items his son had added into the bill.

“There was $2000 for a new laptop, $900 for headphones, $24,000 for a 2018 Dodge Charger and $5000 for a spring break trip to Cancun, among other things,” Perkins explained.

However, Perkins was even less prepared for the reaction he got when he rejected the additional spending items and tried to give his son just the $20.   

According to Perkins, “Things got a little heated.  He said it was all or nothing and then proceeded to guilt trip me, claiming I was withholding life-sustaining nourishment and other items crucial to his happiness and well-being.  I explained that I didn’t have the money.  He informed me that the original bill came to $70,000, so by saving me $35,000, the cost to me would actually be $0.  I asked him to empty his backpack to see if he was holding any of that giggly weed.” 

As of this writing, the two sides are at a stand-off with the son claiming his human infrastructure is crumbling, he’s likely to literally collapse into a pile of rubble at any moment, and it’s all dad’s fault because he’s the only remaining holdout to this transformative and life-changing spending package.

Denmark approves mandatory mink mask rule

Responding to explosive growth in coronavirus cases among its mink population, Denmark today approved measures mandating masks for minks.  The measures come after the Danish government rejected a plan to cull the country’s entire mink population.

A disappointed Danish prime minister, Mette Frederiksen, reluctantly agreed to the new recommendations.  “Well, if we’re unable to march millions of minks to their death, then I guess masks are the next best thing.”

The controversial mink mask mandate is revealing deep divisions within the Danish population between those who support the mask mandate and those who would prefer a mink massacre.  In Copenhagen over the weekend, demonstrators carried signs and chanted, “hey, hey, ho, ho, those Covid coats have got to go.”  

Concerned Danish officials worry that a mink mask mandate immediately introduces a series of daunting challenges.  “We simply do not have the infrastructure in place to produce 15 million masks for minks,” said Frederiksen.  “We are currently in talks with China to produce the masks as quickly as possible, but we must remember, no has ever engineered a mink mask before.  We’re totally starting from scratch here.”  

Minks are also urged to maintain a two foot separation from one another.  The recommendations come after researchers discovered minks are incapable of projecting viral droplets more than two feet.   

Meanwhile in Sweden, there seems to be no indecision regarding what to do with its mink population.  “We’re just going to kill them,” said Benny Andersson, CEO of a Swedish animal rights group.  “Other than breeding stock, it’s killing season for minks anyway.  We look at it as hastening herd immunity.”