Fauci emerges as critics’ choice to play next Bond

Riding a wave of critical success from the blockbuster documentary that bears his name, Dr. Anthony Fauci has rocketed to the top of most critics’ lists to replace Daniel Craig as the new James Bond.  With No Time To Die solidly at the top of the box office rankings, critics are already putting pressure on Broccoli and Wilson to lockdown Fauci as the next 007.

“The world’s number one villain is quite clearly COVID,” says LA Times film critic, Robert Abele.  “I think it’s high time someone cast an infectious disease doctor in the role of 007.”    

“We need a Bond for our time,” critics demand.  On screen, Fauci is mesmerizing.  His intellectual heroism, style and sophistication make him an obvious choice for an era forever altered by COVID.  He’s a man entirely accustomed to dancing with danger.  Clear-eyed and debonair, Fauci would make the perfect pairing for the right Bond girl.  “Masked or unmasked,” he entreats his sexy female foil.    

“In an era of vaccine hesitancy, what better way to make the jab seem cool and glamorous than casting COVID’s greatest enemy in the role of the cinema’s most beloved spy,” says the New York Times Manohla Dargis. 

Even more compelling than his stirring profile in Fauci, Fauci as Bond would drown out the mixed messages and misinformation and provide the final impetus to get all the remaining doubters and non-believers inoculated.  

Critics have always had a deep and abiding connection with the movie-going public.  With Fauci as Bond there can be no doubt they’ve picked a winner. 

Biden blinding America with science

Since his inauguration President Joe Biden and his team have blinded Americans with a dizzying array of head-spinning science.  In a week that included Dr. Anthony Fauci invoking the Great Spirit of Science during a White House ceremony, Biden floored the nation with his picks for America’s science dream team.  

Heading the list is OSTP director pick, Eric Lander, who Biden lured over from the Human Genome Project after trading away former Office of Science and Technology Policy director and meteorologist Kelvin Droegemeier.

“With Lander you’re getting a real heavy hitter in the science world.  He’s a biology professor at MIT and Harvard Medical School.  Also, he’s a mathematician and geneticist who founded an institute that does that gene-editing CRISPR shit.  The man’s not a mad scientist, but he’s got mad scientific skills,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Other picks for the science dream team include:  Alondra Nelson as OSTP deputy director for science and society; Frances H. Arnold and Maria Zuber as co-chairs of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology; Dr. Francis Collins as director of the National Institutes of Health; Kei Koizumi as OSTP chief of staff; and Narda Jones as OSTP legislative affairs director.

“Science will always be at the forefront of my administration and these world-renowned scientists will ensure everything we do is grounded in science, facts, and the truth,” said President Biden.  “This team represents the top tier of talent in the scientific community.  The American people can rest assured this crew will science the shit out of everything that’s scienceable.” 

Concluding the ceremony, White House science shaman Dr. Anthony Fauci offered a blessing and laid his hands on each member of the science team, conferring upon them exceptional powers of rationality, reason and understanding.  “Now go, my little doves, seek truth.  Let the science speak…good heavens, Kamala Harris, you’re beautiful!”

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”