When you’re broke, stoned and your only friends are FBI informants

If Americans thought the current epidemic of politically motivated kidnappings against government officials was going to end anytime soon, they can think again.  Last Friday, Justice Department attorneys failed to secure guilty verdicts against any of the four men accused of plotting to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who the alleged conspirators planned to either put on trial or abandon in a boat in the middle of Lake Michigan.  Prosecutors and journalists fear this could send the wrong message to political extremists, signaling that it’s okay to snatch governors and subject them to public show trials or maritime abandonment.  Elsewhere, average citizens are wondering when this country is finally going to get serious about halting the rash of abductions of senators, representatives, governors, mayors, cabinet holders and other high profile government officials.  

Of the four accused in the alleged plot, two were found not guilty, while the jury deadlocked on the other two, including the alleged ringleader Adam Fox.  People may remember that before rising to the status of one of the most feared domestic terrorists in the United States, Adam Fox was but a lowly, broke stoner who lived in the basement of a vacuum cleaner repair shop called the Vac Shack in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  With nothing but his trusty bong to keep him company, Fox dreamed of one day becoming the leader of an effort to overthrow the State of Michigan, which would have the domino effect of bringing down the entire United States government.  And he might have succeeded too, if not for a chance meeting with a guy by the name of Big Dan.

Despite Adam Fox’s indigent circumstances, Big Dan saw a lot of potential in the young man.  Once he peered behind the poverty and pot smoke, Big Dan could tell that Fox was a crazy motherfucker, full of scary dreams and violent boasting, he just lacked proper guidance and direction.  So Big Dan set about mentoring Fox, and with the help of his friends at the FBI, Big Dan worked tirelessly to make Adam Fox’s wildest, right-wing fantasies come true.  You see, Big Dan was working as a sort of talent facilitator for the FBI, driving a company car and earning in excess of $50,000.  As mentor, Big Dan offered Fox a free credit card with a $5000 limit.  He secured for Fox a position with the Wolverine Watchmen, a right-wing militia group that Dan once belonged to, and Fox quickly rose through its ranks.  Most importantly, though, Big Dan listened to Adam Fox, something few people had ever done.  Because Adam Fox talked a lot of shit – a lot of scary, violent shit.  But no one ever took him seriously until Big Dan and his FBI handlers.

Adam Fox, Big Dan and members of the Wolverine Watchmen held meet-ups, where Dan’s employer, the federal government, paid for transportation, food and lodging for all the participants.  When the group’s own resident bomb maker, Barry Croft aka Tri-Cornered Hat Dude, failed to successfully detonate any of his homemade explosives, Big Dan and the FBI hooked the group up with a bomb guy.  It seemed like everything was magically falling into place for this group of incompetent ne’er-do-wells.

Eventually, Big Dan received instructions to take it up a notch.  On August 28, 2020, Special Agent Henrik Impola texted Big Dan with “a few goals for today.”  Impola’s instructions included inviting the maximum number of participants to surveil the Michigan governor’s vacation home.  “I default to getting as many other guys as possible so whatever works to maximize attendance,” Impola wrote.  Big Dan pledged to make it happen, and so the plan was in place for FBI informant Big Dan to lead the team on a reconnaissance mission of the Michigan governor’s vacation home and surrounding area.

If you could point to one heroic figure in this whole affair, it would have to be FBI Special Agent Mary Jane.  As it turns out, Adam Fox and another alleged conspirator called Barricade smoked marijuana five times during the infamous recon mission to Governor Witmer’s lake cottage.  FBI photographs from that day show that the chief conspirator in one of the most daring domestic terrorism plots in United States history was so high that he used his hat to surveil the governor’s cottage from across the lake, rather than a pair of binoculars.  Whatever preparation and intelligence gathering Adam Fox and the rest of the alleged conspirators attempted to undertake, it all seemed for naught as it wafted away on plumes of marijuana smoke and gross incompetence. 

The nighttime recon mission didn’t fare much better.  Here’s how Buzzfeed News tells the story:

“In the government’s telling, the most critical moment in the alleged plot took place late on Sept. 12, 2020, when Fox, Croft, and others piled into three trucks and headed out to conduct nighttime surveillance of Whitmer’s lakeside cottage.

“It was not a great success. For one thing, their companions that night included two confidential informants and two undercover agents. Some 10 additional FBI agents followed them en route, and stationary cameras mounted at strategic spots tracked their progress. For another, despite all the careful planning, the men failed to find Whitmer’s house because they had been given the wrong address, and heavy rains made it impossible for them to spot one another from across the lake as they had hoped to do.”

If not for his righteously impaired judgment, a stone free Adam Fox might have been able to ascertain he was being set up.  “Whoa, that is some killer ganj, dude, because I’m seeing all kinds of super paranoid, fucked up shit.  Suspicious vehicles, surveillance cameras, strange looking men lurking in the shadows.  Holy shit!”  You have to wonder if the FBI’s plan was to ensnare the would be terrorists during that recon mission, but the agency was unable to do so because the group lacked the sophistication to locate their target.  Apparently, the group also lacked the sophistication to nail down a date for when they’d all be available to launch their expertly crafted plan.  

Nevertheless, the feds dramatic takedown came days later when Big Dan, Fox and others traveled to Ypsilanti to meet with the FBI’s approved bomb maker, Red.  With only $300 between them, the conspirators lacked the funds to obtain the $4000 device they sought, but they did have plenty of cash to go out for beer and hot wings after the meeting.  That bit of frivolity would have to wait, however, as the conspirators were arrested without incident and have been held in jail ever since.  That is until last Friday when Daniel Harris and Brandon Caserta were acquitted and set free.  

The public can rest easy, though, two of the group’s leaders are still behind bars.  Federal prosecutors have vowed to retry Fox and Croft.  Perhaps, prosecutors could have brought this case in for a successful landing if they hadn’t left some of their all-star agents sitting on the bench.  One of Big Dan’s handlers, Special Agent Jayson Chambers, didn’t testify because he had incorporated a private security firm and bragged about his credentials on the domestic terrorism front prior to the take down of the Apple Dumpling Gang.  Another of Big Dan’s handlers, Special Agent Henrik Impola, was not called upon to testify because he had been accused of perjury in a prior case.  Former FBI Special Agent Richard Trask, who also worked on the case, sat this one out because he faced charges stemming from an incident where he bounced his wife’s head off a nightstand when she failed to comply with his plan to join a Kalamazoo swingers party. 

As for Adam Fox, he probably wishes he’d kept his mouth shut and taken his dreams in another direction, like pursuing that business idea of crafting custom hookahs and bongs out of old vacuum cleaner parts.

DHS: Rogan coordinating with trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl halftime show

The Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange Friday after receiving alarming intelligence indicating that controversial Spotify podcaster Joe Rogan may be directing a trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl activities.

A DHS memo circulated to law enforcement nationwide states that the agency “has received reports that a convoy of truckers is planning to potentially blockade Super Bowl festivities and may even be planning to bum rush the beloved Super Bowl halftime show.”

It is unclear how DHS acquired its intelligence; however, sources inside the FBI say they have several highly placed informants inside the trucker movement and are working closely with its leadership and monitoring its plans.

The DHS says that “the group intends to start in California as early as mid-February and travel to Washington, D.C., as late as mid-March, reportedly gathering truckers as they travel across the country.”

Informants inside the trucker movement tell DHS officials that leadership is taking its direction from embattled comedian and former reality tv host turned disinfo podcaster Joe Rogan.  DHS officials believe the truckers are picking up coded instructions as they listen to Rogan’s almost daily three hour broadcasts. 

DHS further noted the truckers intend to storm the field during the Super Bowl halftime show, bringing the entertainment to a halt and disrupting commerce by preventing the airing of America’s beloved Super Bowl commercials.

In a statement released Friday, Kanye West threatened not to perform if Super Bowl planners do not denounce the trucker convoys and remove them from the halftime activities.  “They can have Kanye or the Convoy.  Not both,” the statement read. 

FBI to increase consulting on domestic terrorism plots

The FBI announced today its expanding the services it offers individuals wishing to plan and execute domestic terrorism plots.  The announcement comes after a dozen FBI employed informants successfully ensnared six individuals who planned to kidnap and put on trial Michigan’s Governor Gretchen Whitmer.   

“The FBI wants to assist you in every facet of your domestic terrorism plot.  From planning to recruitment to preparation, the FBI will work with you every step of the way.  Having trouble locating individuals who share your beautiful dark twisted fantasy, let the Federal Bureau of Investigation put you in touch with people who can help,” read an FBI press release.

The move comes after officials realized not everyone possesses the knowledge, skill, or desire to carry out a successful terrorism plot.

“When it comes to a terror plot or a criminal enterprise, we’ve seen it all,” said Special Agent Dave Mitrione.  “We’ve been the brains behind any number of criminal operations and anti-government groups.  Let us put decades of expertise and know how to work for you.  Our two to one ratio of paid consultants to unwitting civilians is guaranteed to get results.”

Trump releases nominations for shadow government cabinet positions

Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21.  Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular.  Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.  

Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts.  As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country.  Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination. 

The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice.  The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals.  Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents.  After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him.  Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances. 

Gertrude the Pig hacks back

Perhaps we underestimate pig cognition.  Mere days after Elon Musk’s much ballyhooed Neuralink demonstration, Gertrude the Pig may be having her revenge on human society.

Gertrude the Pig was introduced to the world a few weeks ago as one of the first subjects to have a Neuralink computer chip wired into its brain.  Witnesses to the demonstration were able to see Gertrude’s neural activity as she snuffed around and touched things with her snout.

Since the demonstration, however, it appears that computer to pig brain hacking may not be a one-way street.    

While not yet noticeable to the casual user, data from Google Analytics shows pig content across the internet has increased as much as eleven percent.  

“In a normal year, we might expect to see a half to a two percent rise in pig content,” said Igor Testicov, Senior Applications Developer at Google.  “An eleven percent jump is certainly something to take notice of.”

Researchers want to know what could be fueling this dramatic rise in swine related content.  Is it possible Gertrude the Pig is hacking back?    

The Justice Department thinks so.  Said one FBI official, “We’re seeing pig bot accounts pop up all over Facebook promoting anything from veganism to turkey bacon.  We were able to trace many of these fake accounts back to Russian troll farms.  The question is who is hiring the Russians to produce this content?”

If Gertrude knows, she isn’t talking.  Her handlers say they’ve noticed no change in Gertrude’s daily activities.  

Still, though, experts are at a loss to explain the strange disruptions to financial markets.  “Something is influencing the commodities markets,” said one trader.  “Hog futures are trading at an all-time low.  Currently, there is some big money out there shorting pork bellies.”  

“We really have no idea what we’re tapping into here,” warned Testicov.  “We may rue the day we linked pigs to powerful computing technology.  Once you let the pig out of the pen, it’s not so easily put back.”