pandemic – If there is something

NYT: That trip to the restroom could be your last

In a Monday New York Times piece entitled Is COVID More Dangerous Than Driving? How Scientists Are Parsing COVID Risks, author Benjamin Mueller attempts to bring some much needed perspective to the amount of risk Americans face from COVID in our new post-pandemalyptic landscape. The article concedes that doctors, scientists and public health officials haven’t been doing a proper job explaining risk to the rest of us dull-witted folks, so they’re going to lay down the facts in a way that even we can understand.

According to the piece, “an average unvaccinated person 65 and older is roughly as likely to die from an omicron infection as someone is to die from using heroin for 18 months.” I’ve long suspected that my ten month heroin addiction was mere child’s play compared to the ravages of Omicron, but finally I’ve had it confirmed for me by a real life health official. Thankfully, I’ve been vaccinated, so there is the peace of mind that comes with that protection, as well as the comfort of knowing I can ride the white horse for another seven months.

A University of Georgia mathematics professor was consulted to provide some overdue insight on how to understand percentages. The professor provided a useful example for overcoming her elderly mother-in-law’s difficulty grasping ten percent, explaining, “imagine if, once out of every 10 times she used the restroom in a given day, she died. ‘Oh, 10% is terrible,’ she recalled her mother-in-law saying.” No doubt everyone’s felt the cold hand of death on their shoulder from time to time when the urgent need to use the restroom arises. However, now the poor mother-in-law is trapped in a self-repeating cycle of alerting the grim reaper after every tenth flush of her toilet.

Another sobering reminder of risk showed “that an average 40-year-old vaccinated over six months ago faced roughly the same chance of being hospitalized after an infection as someone did of dying in a car crash in the course of 170 cross-country road trips.” Additionally, a “transplant recipient is twice as likely to die from COVID as someone is to die while scaling Mount Everest.” Well, when these high-falutin, ivory tower eggheads put it like that, the whole picture comes into high res focus. So, I guess you’re telling me that avoiding that second booster is akin to a daredevil motorcycle rider trying to jump 52 semis? Got it.

Overdosing heroin junkie, lavatory death chamber, Neal Cassady frequency road tripping fatality, Everest mountain climbing casualty: Whatever context they’re providing for establishing risk, it seems like the New York Times and their panel of expert consultants is basically just telling us to maintain the present course of being scared shitless all the time, which is pretty much the message they’ve been peddling all along.

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season. Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas. The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence. If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care. Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home. Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions. “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits. Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents. Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season. “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic. However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card. If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement: “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world. Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders. That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors. So be good for goodness sake.”

Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office. Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me. The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban. I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around. Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts. President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me. I earn less than $99,000 a year. Hell, I don’t even take a salary. I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed. “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic? C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically. Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned. “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”

Senate passes historic one-week government funding bill. Family of four fails to secure funding for its one-week budget.

Americans can rest easy tonight knowing our elected officials have once again performed their duties admirably and passed a bill to fund the federal government for one more week. The bill was passed by voice vote on Friday after several senators dropped their opposition.

In the meantime, a family of four in Benton Harbor, Michigan failed to pass its own stopgap funding measure after disagreements over how to spend their dwindling savings could not be resolved. The stand-off centered on whether to spend their remaining money on rent, food, or Christmas gifts.

The world’s most deliberative body, on the other hand, crafted a masterful piece of legislation that relies exclusively on contributions of ordinary Americans to keep the federal government in business for one more week. Many worried the senators would be unable to cobble a bill together by midnight, forcing a dreaded government shutdown. But, hey, it’s Friday and the senators wanted to go home, so as if by magic their differences evaporated.

Meanwhile, the family in Benton Harbor attempted to make child care arrangements, as their schools, for which they pay taxes, are shut down for the entire month of December. Also at issue is the increased food costs due to the unavailability of school lunches. Additionally, the family is facing an increased tech budget brought about by virtual education. Efforts to secure alternative sources of funding for these programs, so far, have been unsuccessful.

Back in Washington, the senators, awash in a seemingly limitless supply of cash, vowed to reconvene next week to finally do something for the millions of Americans whose livelihoods have either been eliminated or put on hold by the government’s pandemic response. The senators indicated they’re starting to suspect the $1200 checks they authorized eight months ago are beginning to dry up.

Illinois tourism offering quarantine getaway packages

The State of Illinois would like to make Chicago your quarantine destination. Responding to a lagging tourist economy brought on by skyrocketing homicides and an out-of-control epidemic, officials at Illinois tourism are venturing way outside the box to come up with bold and innovative ways to promote the Second City.

On Monday, officials unveiled “Come quarantine with us!” a glitzy new multi-million dollar campaign to attract visitors to the Windy City. Offering 14-day getaway packages to some of Chicago’s finest hotels and resorts, the aggressive advertising attempts to lure quarantine tourism from surrounding states.

“We want folks to think of Chicago as America’s premiere pandemic destination. If you’ve accidentally come in contact with an infected individual, why not quarantine in luxury and style,” says Jake Winterbottom, a spokesperson for the Illinois Board of Tourism.

“Our hotels offer the finest amenities,” the ads boast, “and with our new Windy City Video Tours you can explore Chicagoland from the comfort and safety of your 5-star hotel room. Thank your lucky stars you stayed indoors as you watch lawless mobs of looters trash Chicago’s Magnificent Mile. Dine on room service as you witness a real live carjacking. We’re adding new video tours everyday, so don’t miss out!

“Are narcotics your thing? Download Chicagoland’s own DrugHub app and experience a slice of Chicago style hospitality as the city’s finest gig workers keep you higher than the Sears Tower for the duration of your stay.”

Chicago public health commissioner Alison Arwady endorsed the new campaign as a necessary step to improve an ailing economy while concurrently trying to protect Chicago’s ailing population. Citing “a poorly contained outbreak” in Indiana, despite the Hoosier state showing significantly better per capita numbers than Illinois, the commissioner supports a plan that doesn’t make an already bad public health situation even worse. “Clearly, with all the murders and sickness and what have you in our fair city, quarantine tourism makes the most sense to boost our economy while also protecting visitors from our abysmal public health record,” Arwady said.

Local man currently starring in three hit viral videos

With the traditional summer blockbuster movie season canceled due to the pandemic, and Hollywood royalty wallowing in depression and loneliness caused by a deficit of public attention, viral videos are emerging from every corner of the internet to fill the void.

No one is working harder to fill this vacuum than Cameron James, who is currently starring in three of social media’s hottest viral video sensations.

He first captured the public’s attention on Facebook with his role as drunk guy trying to ride a bike. Some passers-by filmed Cameron trying and failing to mount his bicycle after exiting a bar.

“I was so loaded I couldn’t tell up from down,” said James. “Operating a bicycle required me to engage in a duel with physics that I was in no condition to undertake. Time and again, I attempted to saddle up and ride only to fall flat on my face.”

Fortunately, a number of bar patrons were able to catch the entire debacle on video. One social media user even managed to edit together a Matrix style montage of Cameron’s combat with the forces of gravity and bicycle engineering.

“The video quickly blew up on Facebook, and I soon discovered I was being mocked and ridiculed on almost every social media platform. I gotta say, it felt pretty awesome.”

A few days later, Cameron was filmed berating the staff of a fast food restaurant in his neighborhood.

“They messed up my order pretty bad, so I started to chew out the cashier. However, once the other patrons took out their phones and began shooting, I felt a rage flow from a place inside me I didn’t even know existed. It really felt like I was channeling Pacino. Anyway, after it was over, even the restaurant staff remarked that my irate customer portrayal was one of the best they’d ever seen.”

In addition to catching fire on the internet, several critics praised the intensity of Cameron’s performance, and he’s expected to be nominated for a Karen Award in the category of Best Unhinged Restaurant Patron.

Rounding out a week that saw Cameron James skyrocket to social media superstardom, the young man was publicly shamed and driven out of a supermarket for not wearing a mask. Several shoppers took video of the incident as Cameron ditched his cart and fled the store in panic. Shoppers heaped abuse on Cameron and hurled grocery items at him. On Twitter, the whole scene invited comparisons to Cersei’s walk of atonement in Game of Thrones.

With three blockbuster viral videos in quick succession, fans are wondering if the young star can top an already impressive body of work that has brought him so much attention and fame, or will his star dim and James fade back into obscurity.

“To be the focus of so much negative media and public attention has really been a dream come true. If I never make another hit viral video, I can live with that. Who knows, maybe that’s my next role. Down and out viral video star attempts a comeback, engaging in myriad forms of awful behavior in an attempt to get back in the public’s bad graces.”

Mouthwash sales spike as millions of mask wearers are forced to confront their own bad breath

Sales of breath freshening products have soared in recent months as millions of American mask wearers have been forced to endure the stench of their own malodorous breath.

Antiseptic mouthwash sales are up a whopping 350 percent. Revenues from breath strips, Tic Tacs and Lifesavers have increased nearly five-fold since March.

“In some instances, we can’t keep these products on the shelves,” says an industry insider. “It seems a vast number of Americans are beginning to realize they may have a problem with fresh breath.”

The issue could be a bit more complicated than simply clueless Americans waking up to the fact their mouth smells like a garbage disposal. Scientists say wearing a mask inhibits the introduction of fresh air, permitting germs to fester and multiply.

“It’s akin to recirculating the air in your car rather than refreshing,” says a leading mouth and body odor researcher. “Try turning off the AC and closing the windows of your car on a warm summer day, the cabin of your vehicle will begin to smell like a locker room in no time. I should know, I smell armpits for a living.”

Experts encourage mask wearers to drink plenty of water, brush frequently and rinse with an antiseptic mouthwash.

Says the pit sniffer, “A positive takeaway is that some in the public are getting a whiff of what their colleagues have had to endure for years. If when this is all over, everyone’s a bit more attentive to their mouth hygiene, then maybe it will have all been worth it.”

Human resources department institutes epic ass-covering measures in response to pandemic

Essential worker Ben was slightly taken aback one morning when he attempted to log on to his work computer and was greeted with a series of statements with which he had to agree before completing log in.

“It said things like, ‘I’ve not had a fever in the last 72 hours, I haven’t had any of the following symptoms, or been around anyone who has tested positive.’ I further had to agree that I only cough into my sleeve, and that I use a hand sanitizer with a minimum alcohol content of 60%,” reported Ben. “Of course, I couldn’t complete log in if I didn’t agree, and failure to adhere to the requirements meant potential disciplinary action.”

Such is the state of employer/employee relations in these challenging times. Human resources departments across the country are dealing with potential liability brought on by sick employees.

“Now, more than ever, covering the old rump is the name of the game,” said one personnel manager who wished to remain anonymous. “This is coming straight from the top. Deflecting all responsibility onto the employee for what happens in our workplace is the only thing that stands between corporate and an epidemic of lawsuits.”

Essential Ben agrees that it seems like management’s approach to the pandemic is to blame employees. “I gotta sign a release to use the restroom, promising to limit the length of time I spend relieving myself, and to wash my hands only with an approved anti-bacterial foaming soap in a prescribed manner for a set duration of time. Of course, failure to comply could result in disciplinary action.”

“Yeah, I came up with that one,” said the personnel manager, chuckling to himself. “Look, in these uncertain times, you’ve got to be creative.”

Has management ever considered taking temperatures, testing employees, or providing personal protective equipment like masks?

“Fuck no,” says management. “If you can’t print it out and make them sign it, then it’s too expensive. Besides, that would be like admitting we have some responsibility or obligation to our employees. Additionally, it only makes sense that we put the onus on the employee as management are all working remotely from home and can’t be on site to supervise.”