Traders bullish on Blockbuster Video, Borders Books and Sam Goody

Back from the dead, Blockbuster, Borders and Sam Goody are among a handful of companies positioning themselves to again offer stock for public trading.  Buoyed by a recent trend that’s seen the stock of a number of companies, once considered to be on life support, soar into the stratosphere, these old retail favorites are hoping to cash in. 

“The stock market is a hell of a drug,” said Jared Milken, the 16-year-old who acquired the rights to the Sam Goody brand by selling his 2008 Saturn Vue.  “I’m not even old enough to have ever shopped at Sam Goody.  What the fuck is a comact disc?” 

Jared counts himself among a growing number of retail traders who seek to purchase the shares of dying companies, thereby inflating the stock price, and sticking it to the powerful hedge funds that have bet on their stock price falling.

The practice of raising defunct companies from the dead and breathing new life into them is called zombie trading, and the practitioners of this strange brand of financial voodoo can usually be found refining their magic on Reddit.

However, don’t think you’re going to be able to rush out and repurchase that Guns ‘N Roses cassette your old tape deck ate back in the nineties.  In regards to Sam Goody’s actual value, you’ll have to use your illusion.

“The assets on our balance sheet basically consist of the cash from my Vue, my parents card table, and an old Dell laptop” said Jared.  “But everybody’s going to go apeshit for this stock when it begins trading.”  

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”

Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds.  Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them.  To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous.  “This was like our Bay of Pigs.  We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow.  We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill.  However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas.  “Most don’t stick with the program at first.  They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”   

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just.  But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon.  “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

Trump releases nominations for shadow government cabinet positions

Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21.  Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular.  Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.  

Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts.  As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country.  Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination. 

The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice.  The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals.  Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents.  After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him.  Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances. 

Astronomers track interstellar doobie passing through solar system

Scientists have confirmed that an object first identified in 2017 passing through our solar system is a massive, deep space doobie hailing from a distant galaxy.  Calling the object Oumuamua, astronomers have traced its origins to the Sativa star system located 35 light years away in the obscure Crystal Skull Galaxy.

Little is known about this hidden galaxy except observers in 2008 were able to identify a handful of habitable planets, and that deep radio bursts originating from that location were broadcasting Hawkwind’s Space Is Deep off their 1973 live album Space Ritual.  This left scientists puzzled as to why a recording by an earthbound rock band would be disturbing the neighbors in a far flung galaxy.

“We don’t consider our music to be bound by this earth at all.  It is totally unsurprising that our music is rocking outer space,” said Hawkwind founder Dave Brock in a recent interview.        

The object is believed to be a minimum of 100 meters long and 35 meters thick, making it three times longer than the largest known terrestrial doobie.  Unable to identify its means of propulsion, scientists have noticed that its tip usually glows more brightly when it accelerates, and that it emits a long swirling plume of exhaust.     

Efforts to communicate with the object have produced modest results.  Revealing a lack of familiarity with earth measurements of space and time, a communication from the space joint claimed it had been travelling for over 10,000 Dopesmokers, presumably referring to the length of time it takes to listen to legendary stoner rock band Sleep’s 1998 classic, Dopesmoker, which clocks in at a little over an hour long.

Astronomers agree more study is warranted.  As for Brock, “Just imagine the wicked cosmic jam I could produce if I got a hit off that spliff.”

White House clarifies: Trump to impose marital, not martial law

White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office.  Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.

“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath.  POTUS is not declaring martial law.  With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets.  He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage.  That’s it, folks, marital law.  See, you just had a couple of letters turned around.  No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.

Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.

Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful.  The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this.  Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief.  It was really kind of sickening.  Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration.  I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson.  C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”  

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season.  Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas.  The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence.  If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care.  Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home.  Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions.  “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits.  Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents.  Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season.  “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic.  However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card.  If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”      

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement:  “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world.  Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders.  That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors.  So be good for goodness sake.”  

Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office.  Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me.  The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban.  I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around.  Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts.  President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me.  I earn less than $99,000 a year.  Hell, I don’t even take a salary.  I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed.  “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic?  C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically.  Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned.  “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”

Gargantuan alien monolith appears in small midwestern city

Residents of a sleepy midwestern city awoke Saturday morning to discover a four-story stone monolith in their midst.  Officials are at a loss to explain when exactly the towering structure appeared and how it got there.

“Friday night there was nothing there but an empty lot.  This morning there appeared a new addition to the city skyline.  We have no idea who put it there or how it was constructed.  There is no heavy equipment or machinery in sight, and the ground surrounding it is undisturbed,” said the city’s mayor who requested he and his town remain anonymous, fearing an onslaught of visitors to the area.

Local police reported no sightings of unidentified aerial phenomenon in the area overnight, leaving officials at a loss to explain how the monolith came to be at that spot on the downtown landscape. 

“I’m thinkin’ it was built underground and pushed up to the surface in the middle of the night,” said one local resident.

An engineering professor at a local university had another theory.  “What we’re most likely looking at is the product of some advanced nanotechnology of which we are presently unfamiliar.  If indeed aliens built this monolith, they probably directed a tiny, undetectable probe to the area from which millions of nanobots emerged and fabricated the structure.  Who knows, it may have been erected in a manner of minutes.”

Researchers at the site have confirmed they believe the monolith to be hollow.  Although the structure contains no doors or windows, researchers have said they can detect activity inside.

“Undoubtedly they’re building something inside the monolith.  What they’re building is anybody’s guess.  Maybe a transformer or some space/time portal,” said the professor.  “Whatever it is, we should know their intentions soon enough.”         

Update:  Moments before this story was issued for publication, authorities confirmed the alien monolith is actually a cinder block elevator shaft and part of a larger terrestrial construction project.  Turns out nobody paid any attention to it until all this monolith business began.

Senate passes historic one-week government funding bill. Family of four fails to secure funding for its one-week budget.

Americans can rest easy tonight knowing our elected officials have once again performed their duties admirably and passed a bill to fund the federal government for one more week.  The bill was passed by voice vote on Friday after several senators dropped their opposition.

In the meantime, a family of four in Benton Harbor, Michigan failed to pass its own stopgap funding measure after disagreements over how to spend their dwindling savings could not be resolved.  The stand-off centered on whether to spend their remaining money on rent, food, or Christmas gifts.

The world’s most deliberative body, on the other hand, crafted a masterful piece of legislation that relies exclusively on contributions of ordinary Americans to keep the federal government in business for one more week.  Many worried the senators would be unable to cobble a bill together by midnight, forcing a dreaded government shutdown.  But, hey, it’s Friday and the senators wanted to go home, so as if by magic their differences evaporated.

Meanwhile, the family in Benton Harbor attempted to make child care arrangements, as their schools, for which they pay taxes, are shut down for the entire month of December.  Also at issue is the increased food costs due to the unavailability of school lunches.  Additionally, the family is facing an increased tech budget brought about by virtual education.  Efforts to secure alternative sources of funding for these programs, so far, have been unsuccessful.  

Back in Washington, the senators, awash in a seemingly limitless supply of cash, vowed to reconvene next week to finally do something for the millions of Americans whose livelihoods have either been eliminated or put on hold by the government’s pandemic response.  The senators indicated they’re starting to suspect the $1200 checks they authorized eight months ago are beginning to dry up.