After a year of isolation and obscurity, celebrities are finally getting some long-overdue attention

Although the past year has been difficult for most American’s, nowhere has the year of isolation and loneliness been felt more acutely than among our nation’s celebrities.  Deprived of regular doses of attention, flattery and fawning adulation, the selfless celebrities tirelessly toiling in America’s entertainment industry are about to receive some much-deserved recognition for their work over the past twelve months.  While getting likes on Twitter, or whatever the equivalent is on Instagram, can provide microdoses of soothing admiration from fans, there is nothing like the vanity inducing rush of posing on the red carpet, bathed in bursts of light from hundreds of flashbulbs.  Finally, with awards season upon us, our nation’s celebrities will be seen and appreciated for giving so much of themselves and asking so little in return.  In the spirit of sacrifice so many Americans have been called upon to endure this year, celebrities are forgoing the $50,000 swag bags in favor of more modest $5000 bags of swag.  It really gives one the sense that we’re all in this together, and that famous people are no different than the little guy.  Oprah really brought that feeling home during her interview with the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton.  Who couldn’t relate to throwing one’s family under a red, double-decker London Bus for some short-term fame and notoriety?  It’s refreshing to see a prince and a princess who no longer care to attach themselves to their royal titles, wanting only to live like the rest of the common folk, do Oprah interviews and be famous for being famous.  Yes, soon the stars will be out and the press and entertainment industry will honor them with richly-deserved statues of gold. For its part, the public can brace itself for yet another year of mundane remakes, uninspired sequels, and Marvel movies. 

Cuomo pledges to flatten curve on rising number of sexual misconduct cases

As the number of Andrew Cuomo sexual misconduct victims continues to rise, threatening to overrun the state’s legal system, the New York governor has pledged to use all available resources to flatten the curve by the end of the month.  In recent days, additional victims have come forward acknowledging exposure to what legal experts and public health officials are now variously calling Cuomovirus or Cuomo-21.

“Certainly we’re concerned about the rapidly expanding rate of Cuomo-21 cases.  The governor has already indicated a strong desire to do whatever it takes to slow the spread, including holding daily press briefings to keep the public informed about what New York state government is doing to defeat the threat Cuomo poses,” said the governor’s spokesperson, Rachel Garvey.

In the governor’s first press briefing, he pledged 21 days to stop the spread and urged all women who might potentially fall into his orbit to just stay home.  “Ladies, I can’t stress this enough, please just stay home.  If you can all just keep yourselves away from me for as long as possible, I think we can bring down the curve,” the governor emphasized.   

As of Wednesday there were six confirmed cases of misconduct, but experts warn the real number is almost certainly much higher.  “For every reported case there could be as many as ten additional cases we don’t even know about,” warned Anne Clark, one of the attorney’s appointed to lead the investigation.

Many in the public are wondering when we might expect to see the number of daily cases peak and begin to decline.  Governor Cuomo addressed the issue in Wednesday’s briefing.  “Listen, we’ve been paying very close attention to the projection models.  Right now, it’s anybody’s guess when these women with whom I’ve had previous encounters will stop coming forward.  The curve could continue to rise, bend and then fall dramatically, or it might at some point level off.  Really, it’s incumbent upon you ladies to self-isolate in your homes for the next three weeks, or if you must be in my presence, please maintain a distance of at least six feet and cover yourself entirely in loose-fitting unattractive garments,” Cuomo said.

Developing story: Police involved in restroom stall standoff with local man

At this hour, a police standoff continues with an incontinent local man who was reported to be in violation of several public health ordinances.  At 7:35 this morning, employees at Downtown Health & Fitness placed a 911 call reporting a man inside a restroom stall releasing a noxious, and potentially hazardous, gas into the men’s locker room airspace.  A quick-thinking employee immediately placed the men’s changing room on lockdown, as nervous patrons and employees waited for authorities to arrive. 

“I had just entered the men’s lockers to refill the paper towel dispensers when I almost immediately encountered this malodorous haze that seemed to be emanating from the bathroom stall area.  As I began to wretch violently, I had the presence of mind to grab the wall phone and dial the front desk.  I can’t remember anything after that, but apparently a couple of fellow attendants pulled me to safety and the room was sealed off,” reported one of the gym’s employees.

A police tactical unit wearing gas masks quickly surrounded the stall where the man is thought to be hunkered down.  Negotiators are currently in place and are attempting to communicate with the suspect.  

“At present we have an extremely unpredictable situation confronting us in that locker room.  This man has already incapacitated several individuals.  Additionally, we don’t know if Covid is going to come into play here.  As for casualties, I don’t have a number for you at this time, but I definitely saw bodies on the floor in there.  Let’s just hope they’re going to be okay,” said a police spokesperson.        

The identity of the suspect is presently unknown, but gym patrons report he had been experiencing difficulty while using one of the stair machines.  “He appeared to be sweating profusely and experiencing a great deal of abdominal discomfort.  Suddenly, he ran for the lockers and a short time later all hell broke loose,” said an unidentified patron.  

If the history doesn’t fit, you must stealth edit it

For some of our most respected and revered media institutions, history has become increasingly uncooperative and uncharitable toward the narratives they’re trying to peddle these days.  A number of media outlets are finding it necessary to edit the stories of days gone by to make them more in keeping with the present day.  After all, why update your thinking or try to maintain some semblance of consistency with regard to past events, when you can just go back and change the way you reported or interpreted those events at the time?    

Following a recent Salon article that blasted Senator Tom Cotton for allegedly misleading the public about his service as a U.S. Army Ranger, some media outlets could barely keep up with the stealth editing necessary to make their current reporting more accurate and less hypocritical.  Cotton graduated from Army Ranger training school and earned the honor to wear the Ranger pin, but he never actually served with the unit.  Up until a week ago, it was quite common to refer to these service members as Rangers, but after the Salon attack piece, media outlets had some work to do to change all that.  Newsweek, not wanting to be left out of the media pile-on, used the Salon article to launch an attack of its own on Cotton.  However, Cotton’s staff notified Newsweek that it had referred in 2015 to the first two female graduates of the training program as Rangers.  (So had Congress, by the way.)  Newsweek went back and edited the article, relieving the barrier-breaking female graduates of their Army Ranger status.  Now the publication was free to attack Cotton without appearing to engage in any double standards.  It must have felt pretty liberating to the Newsweek editors to throw two female Army Rangers under the bus just so they could go after a high-profile Senator from the wrong team.   

Indeed, fickle history doesn’t always cooperate when the media sets about attacking a public figure for partisan or ideological reasons.  Back in October, during the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the then nominee was attacked by Senator Mazie Hirono for using the term “sexual preference.”  Unbeknownst to nearly everyone on the planet, the term had apparently become “offensive and outdated.”  Despite evidence the term had been in recent common usage by the very same news outlets and journalists who now criticized Barrett, the media rushed to brand the term as offensive.  According to MSNBC producer, Kyle Griffin, “Sexual preference,” a term used by Justice Barrett, is offensive and outdated. The term implies sexuality is a choice. It is not. News organizations should not repeat Justice Barrett’s words without providing that important context.”  Good thing MSNBC provided that impartial and objective context, because the folks over at Merriam-Webster hadn’t seen fit to update the definition of the term until the brou-ha-ha erupted.  The dictionary people quickly edited the term’s definition, doing its part to add legitimacy to the media attacks on Barrett.         

One of the most egregious examples of stealth editing was brought to light last September when it was discovered that the New York Times had quietly memory-holed the core claim of its 1619 Project, the celebrated history series which garnered a Pulitzer Prize for its creator Nikole Hannah-Jones.  Initially, the piece attempted to reframe history in a manner that belied the facts.  When leading historians pointed out these errors of fact, the Times edited the piece without notice, dropping the core claim of the project.  Additionally, as if to assert that the public was suffering from some kind of Mandela Effect delusion, Nikole Hannah-Jones publicly asserted that the project had never made the claim to begin with.  Attempts to rewrite or reframe history for a present and future audience are common.  It’s how history is recorded.  But time travelling in a digital space and changing history in an effort to conceal the fact that you ever misled or misstated facts about history…are you f-ing serious?  It feels like trying to create a simulation within a simulation.  One day journalists and historians may look back on this time as a sort of dark ages, when authors went to such extreme lengths to conceal, alter and meddle with the facts of history, that the true story of what really happened is rendered indiscernible.  In any event, it will probably be one really hot mess for someone to disentangle.

Traders bullish on Blockbuster Video, Borders Books and Sam Goody

Back from the dead, Blockbuster, Borders and Sam Goody are among a handful of companies positioning themselves to again offer stock for public trading.  Buoyed by a recent trend that’s seen the stock of a number of companies, once considered to be on life support, soar into the stratosphere, these old retail favorites are hoping to cash in. 

“The stock market is a hell of a drug,” said Jared Milken, the 16-year-old who acquired the rights to the Sam Goody brand by selling his 2008 Saturn Vue.  “I’m not even old enough to have ever shopped at Sam Goody.  What the fuck is a comact disc?” 

Jared counts himself among a growing number of retail traders who seek to purchase the shares of dying companies, thereby inflating the stock price, and sticking it to the powerful hedge funds that have bet on their stock price falling.

The practice of raising defunct companies from the dead and breathing new life into them is called zombie trading, and the practitioners of this strange brand of financial voodoo can usually be found refining their magic on Reddit.

However, don’t think you’re going to be able to rush out and repurchase that Guns ‘N Roses cassette your old tape deck ate back in the nineties.  In regards to Sam Goody’s actual value, you’ll have to use your illusion.

“The assets on our balance sheet basically consist of the cash from my Vue, my parents card table, and an old Dell laptop” said Jared.  “But everybody’s going to go apeshit for this stock when it begins trading.”  

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”

Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds.  Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them.  To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous.  “This was like our Bay of Pigs.  We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow.  We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill.  However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas.  “Most don’t stick with the program at first.  They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”   

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just.  But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon.  “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

Trump releases nominations for shadow government cabinet positions

Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21.  Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular.  Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.  

Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts.  As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country.  Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination. 

The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice.  The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals.  Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents.  After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him.  Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances. 

Astronomers track interstellar doobie passing through solar system

Scientists have confirmed that an object first identified in 2017 passing through our solar system is a massive, deep space doobie hailing from a distant galaxy.  Calling the object Oumuamua, astronomers have traced its origins to the Sativa star system located 35 light years away in the obscure Crystal Skull Galaxy.

Little is known about this hidden galaxy except observers in 2008 were able to identify a handful of habitable planets, and that deep radio bursts originating from that location were broadcasting Hawkwind’s Space Is Deep off their 1973 live album Space Ritual.  This left scientists puzzled as to why a recording by an earthbound rock band would be disturbing the neighbors in a far flung galaxy.

“We don’t consider our music to be bound by this earth at all.  It is totally unsurprising that our music is rocking outer space,” said Hawkwind founder Dave Brock in a recent interview.        

The object is believed to be a minimum of 100 meters long and 35 meters thick, making it three times longer than the largest known terrestrial doobie.  Unable to identify its means of propulsion, scientists have noticed that its tip usually glows more brightly when it accelerates, and that it emits a long swirling plume of exhaust.     

Efforts to communicate with the object have produced modest results.  Revealing a lack of familiarity with earth measurements of space and time, a communication from the space joint claimed it had been travelling for over 10,000 Dopesmokers, presumably referring to the length of time it takes to listen to legendary stoner rock band Sleep’s 1998 classic, Dopesmoker, which clocks in at a little over an hour long.

Astronomers agree more study is warranted.  As for Brock, “Just imagine the wicked cosmic jam I could produce if I got a hit off that spliff.”

White House clarifies: Trump to impose marital, not martial law

White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office.  Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.

“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath.  POTUS is not declaring martial law.  With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets.  He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage.  That’s it, folks, marital law.  See, you just had a couple of letters turned around.  No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.

Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.

Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful.  The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this.  Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief.  It was really kind of sickening.  Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration.  I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson.  C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”