Depp and Heard Show seeks new jurisdiction for Season 3

Following the exciting Season 2 finale in which a victorious Johnny Depp was awarded $15 million in damages after his “reputation” was dragged through the mud in a Washington Post editorial by ex-wife Amber Heard, the pair are reportedly shopping around Season 3 for a new jurisdiction in which to showcase their legal wranglings.

The success of Season 2 almost guarantees a bidding war for any future court proceedings.  Experts agree, the American public’s appetite for intimate glimpses into the sordid lives of their favorite trashy celebrities is nowhere close to being satisfied.  

“In times like these, when life is difficult and uncertain, people look to the stars.  Average Americans love it when the stars offer them child rearing tips and marriage advice.  They’re always looking to celebrities for moral guidance and spiritual direction.  They cheer when celebrities slap each other in public.  They admire the shameless sense of entitlement that comes with a career in the public eye.  They’re relieved to hear that even the rich and famous sometimes defecate on the bed out of spite,” said an unnamed Netflix executive trying to develop a series with the toxic duo.

However, before any new deal can be finalized, Amber Heard must make a good faith down payment on the $15 million judgment.  Attorneys for the actress are reportedly in negotiations with Depp’s legal team for a modest loan to pay the damages she owes him.

After a year of isolation and obscurity, celebrities are finally getting some long-overdue attention

Although the past year has been difficult for most American’s, nowhere has the year of isolation and loneliness been felt more acutely than among our nation’s celebrities.  Deprived of regular doses of attention, flattery and fawning adulation, the selfless celebrities tirelessly toiling in America’s entertainment industry are about to receive some much-deserved recognition for their work over the past twelve months.  While getting likes on Twitter, or whatever the equivalent is on Instagram, can provide microdoses of soothing admiration from fans, there is nothing like the vanity inducing rush of posing on the red carpet, bathed in bursts of light from hundreds of flashbulbs.  Finally, with awards season upon us, our nation’s celebrities will be seen and appreciated for giving so much of themselves and asking so little in return.  In the spirit of sacrifice so many Americans have been called upon to endure this year, celebrities are forgoing the $50,000 swag bags in favor of more modest $5000 bags of swag.  It really gives one the sense that we’re all in this together, and that famous people are no different than the little guy.  Oprah really brought that feeling home during her interview with the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton.  Who couldn’t relate to throwing one’s family under a red, double-decker London Bus for some short-term fame and notoriety?  It’s refreshing to see a prince and a princess who no longer care to attach themselves to their royal titles, wanting only to live like the rest of the common folk, do Oprah interviews and be famous for being famous.  Yes, soon the stars will be out and the press and entertainment industry will honor them with richly-deserved statues of gold. For its part, the public can brace itself for yet another year of mundane remakes, uninspired sequels, and Marvel movies.