Hollywood – If there is something

When your brain has taken too many wrong turns: Raised with the wrong politics edition

Occasionally a piece of journalism emerges that really puts in perspective the hidden challenges and private struggles facing a wildly successful Hollywood movie star. Those of us in the general public often take it for granted that celebrities have fairy-tale lives, and seldom pause to realize that the fact that big stars want for nothing sometimes means they’re susceptible to torment by just about anything. Things most of us might casually brush aside as a minor annoyance often account for a great deal of distress in the life of an insanely popular and fabulously rich Hollywood movie star.

One such Hollywood starlet this week laid bare her struggles with being raised by parents with the wrong politics. As someone who was raised in a working-class, earth-people-inhabited den of cannabis, it never occurred to me that being raised in a Republican household could inflict so much trauma on a person’s life. Haunted by nightmares of Tucker Carlson relentlessly tormenting her, this starlet just can’t bring herself to forgive her parents for her Republican childhood:

“I just worked so hard in the last five years to forgive my dad and my family and try to understand: It’s different. The information they are getting is different. Their life is different. I’ve tried to get over it and I really can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry I’m just unleashing, but I can’t f— with people who aren’t political anymore. You live in the United States of America. You have to be political. It’s too dire. Politics are killing people….I don’t want to disparage my family, but I know that a lot of people are in a similar position with their families. How could you raise a daughter from birth and believe that she doesn’t deserve equality? How?”

Somehow, though, against all odds she managed to break free of her Republican programming, and despite her parent’s insistence that she just meet some nice young boy and give them lots of grandchildren, she managed to carve out a career for herself in Hollywood, rising to become one of the most celebrated celebrities and highly paid actors in all of tinsel town. If only her parents had supported her and given her a proper upbringing, perhaps her star could have risen even higher than Leonardo DiCaprio.

Those of us not on the red carpet or the silver screen, who are just trying to put food on our laminate table top, don’t appreciate how important it is to be political. It’s true: politics are killing people. So, by all means, let’s all become more political. It appears to be doing wonders for the mental health of those who have discarded their marbles and jumped headlong into the fray.

Investigators examine fresh prints on the side of Chris Rock’s face

It appears Will Smith’s right cross has lost much of the sting it possessed back in the days of shooting Ali. Still, investigators are examining the fresh prints left on the side of Chris Rock’s face in case the comedian should decide to file charges against the Oscar winner Smith.

Although, at least for now, Rock has declined to press charges, it was agreed by all parties involved that Smith, for a period of at least six months, should go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

After the slapping incident, Smith forcefully demanded that Rock keep Smith’s wife’s name out of the comedian’s mouth. Behind the scenes, however, Smith’s publicist was clear that the incident should in no way inhibit any public discussion of the Smith couple’s open marriage.

In addition to not pressing charges, Rock promised not to sue the exceedingly wealthy movie star and recording artist, but he made clear that he retains the right to exploit the incident for comedic purposes and shall maintain exclusive control over all revenue generated from “the slap.”

“Oh, I’m going to make a fortune off this bitch,” Rock said.

After a year of isolation and obscurity, celebrities are finally getting some long-overdue attention

Although the past year has been difficult for most American’s, nowhere has the year of isolation and loneliness been felt more acutely than among our nation’s celebrities. Deprived of regular doses of attention, flattery and fawning adulation, the selfless celebrities tirelessly toiling in America’s entertainment industry are about to receive some much-deserved recognition for their work over the past twelve months. While getting likes on Twitter, or whatever the equivalent is on Instagram, can provide microdoses of soothing admiration from fans, there is nothing like the vanity inducing rush of posing on the red carpet, bathed in bursts of light from hundreds of flashbulbs. Finally, with awards season upon us, our nation’s celebrities will be seen and appreciated for giving so much of themselves and asking so little in return. In the spirit of sacrifice so many Americans have been called upon to endure this year, celebrities are forgoing the $50,000 swag bags in favor of more modest $5000 bags of swag. It really gives one the sense that we’re all in this together, and that famous people are no different than the little guy. Oprah really brought that feeling home during her interview with the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton. Who couldn’t relate to throwing one’s family under a red, double-decker London Bus for some short-term fame and notoriety? It’s refreshing to see a prince and a princess who no longer care to attach themselves to their royal titles, wanting only to live like the rest of the common folk, do Oprah interviews and be famous for being famous. Yes, soon the stars will be out and the press and entertainment industry will honor them with richly-deserved statues of gold. For its part, the public can brace itself for yet another year of mundane remakes, uninspired sequels, and Marvel movies.

Local man currently starring in three hit viral videos

With the traditional summer blockbuster movie season canceled due to the pandemic, and Hollywood royalty wallowing in depression and loneliness caused by a deficit of public attention, viral videos are emerging from every corner of the internet to fill the void.

No one is working harder to fill this vacuum than Cameron James, who is currently starring in three of social media’s hottest viral video sensations.

He first captured the public’s attention on Facebook with his role as drunk guy trying to ride a bike. Some passers-by filmed Cameron trying and failing to mount his bicycle after exiting a bar.

“I was so loaded I couldn’t tell up from down,” said James. “Operating a bicycle required me to engage in a duel with physics that I was in no condition to undertake. Time and again, I attempted to saddle up and ride only to fall flat on my face.”

Fortunately, a number of bar patrons were able to catch the entire debacle on video. One social media user even managed to edit together a Matrix style montage of Cameron’s combat with the forces of gravity and bicycle engineering.

“The video quickly blew up on Facebook, and I soon discovered I was being mocked and ridiculed on almost every social media platform. I gotta say, it felt pretty awesome.”

A few days later, Cameron was filmed berating the staff of a fast food restaurant in his neighborhood.

“They messed up my order pretty bad, so I started to chew out the cashier. However, once the other patrons took out their phones and began shooting, I felt a rage flow from a place inside me I didn’t even know existed. It really felt like I was channeling Pacino. Anyway, after it was over, even the restaurant staff remarked that my irate customer portrayal was one of the best they’d ever seen.”

In addition to catching fire on the internet, several critics praised the intensity of Cameron’s performance, and he’s expected to be nominated for a Karen Award in the category of Best Unhinged Restaurant Patron.

Rounding out a week that saw Cameron James skyrocket to social media superstardom, the young man was publicly shamed and driven out of a supermarket for not wearing a mask. Several shoppers took video of the incident as Cameron ditched his cart and fled the store in panic. Shoppers heaped abuse on Cameron and hurled grocery items at him. On Twitter, the whole scene invited comparisons to Cersei’s walk of atonement in Game of Thrones.

With three blockbuster viral videos in quick succession, fans are wondering if the young star can top an already impressive body of work that has brought him so much attention and fame, or will his star dim and James fade back into obscurity.

“To be the focus of so much negative media and public attention has really been a dream come true. If I never make another hit viral video, I can live with that. Who knows, maybe that’s my next role. Down and out viral video star attempts a comeback, engaging in myriad forms of awful behavior in an attempt to get back in the public’s bad graces.”

Authorities to perform welfare checks on America’s celebrities

Celebrities around the country have been having a pretty rough time of it lately. Social media postings reveal desperate Hollywood stars, descended from their heavenly spheres, crying out to the world like they’ve fallen and they can’t get up.

The sight of so many famous people struggling in their homes has prompted a number of local law enforcement agencies to perform welfare checks on the stars. “We’ve been getting a lot of calls from folks worried about certain celebrities,” says Bob Stack, spokesperson for the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “People are concerned for the well-being of the most famous and well-off among us.”

Videos of frightened and vulnerable celebrities have been popping up all over the internet these days. One distressing video shows a veteran pop music icon appearing alone in her bathtub, naked and afraid. Another viral video shows a group of A-Listers, some in tears, taking turns singing John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

“Well, what I think we are seeing from the Hollywood elite is a massive cry for help,” says Dr. Andrew McGill, a therapist in Beverly Hills. “Some of these celebs are confined to their luxurious, sprawling mansions with only a personal assistant, a cook, a physical trainer and a diminished crew of support staff to look after them. They are vulnerable and they need our help.”

That’s where the LA Sheriffs step in. “We’ll be knocking on doors and checking in on as many famous people as possible in the coming weeks,” says Stack. “Also, we urge the public, if you’re aware of a celebrity in need of help, don’t hesitate to let us know. We’ll send a squad car over to check on them. And thanks to the generous donations of some of the world’s most successful companies, we’ll be distributing swag bags containing over a hundred thousand dollars worth of goodies to help our celebrity friends muddle through these difficult times.”

Celebrities of the world unite!

For 364 days a year, the men and women of the Hollywood dream factory toil in isolation and obscurity, producing high quality entertainment and wholesome family fun. However, for one night only in February, the stars come out to shine at the Oscars, and humbly bask in some long-overdue and well-deserved public adulation. After all, it’s been nearly a month since they gathered and bestowed globes of gold on one another. So, once again as in years past, the actors, writers, directors, and craftsmen of Hollywood gather to cash in their artistic brilliance for a coveted gold phallic statue.

Most Hollywood celebs would just as soon shun the limelight, stay at home and polish their craft, or do laundry and darn socks for the homeless. But the demands of entertainment studios and corporate executives prompt them to don their finery, and for a few short hours permit the rest of us to see them, honor and praise them for their extraordinary contributions to art and culture.

As always, we marvel at their sacrifice and courage. Acutely aware of how committed many celebrities are to the environment, it was heartening to see so many roll up to the red carpet on bicycles. Tangled hair and perspiration stains are but a small price to pay when the fate of humanity is at stake. Additionally, the glitterati looked so uncomfortable adorned in their precious metals and gems. You could tell they would rather have been toiling in sweatshops alongside the meek and downtrodden, rather than withstanding the blinding glare of a thousand camera flashes. Most remarkable of all, though, as if out of a Frank Capra movie, humble movie stars quietly, but firmly, raised their voices in protest against the orange man they once palled around with and promoted as one of their own, but who now forces them to live in his slums.

This year’s Academy Awards was truly an inspiring spectacle. Celebrities of the world united, sharing a common humanity with all those ordinary souls sitting out there in the dark. After the ceremony, most of the nominees skipped the fancy parties and balls and donated their complimentary $200,000 swag bags to the less fortunate. Soon, many of LA’s inner city youths will enjoy the experience of a $78,000, 12-day vacation on a luxury yacht. Hurray for Hollywood!