Cuomo pledges to flatten curve on rising number of sexual misconduct cases

As the number of Andrew Cuomo sexual misconduct victims continues to rise, threatening to overrun the state’s legal system, the New York governor has pledged to use all available resources to flatten the curve by the end of the month.  In recent days, additional victims have come forward acknowledging exposure to what legal experts and public health officials are now variously calling Cuomovirus or Cuomo-21.

“Certainly we’re concerned about the rapidly expanding rate of Cuomo-21 cases.  The governor has already indicated a strong desire to do whatever it takes to slow the spread, including holding daily press briefings to keep the public informed about what New York state government is doing to defeat the threat Cuomo poses,” said the governor’s spokesperson, Rachel Garvey.

In the governor’s first press briefing, he pledged 21 days to stop the spread and urged all women who might potentially fall into his orbit to just stay home.  “Ladies, I can’t stress this enough, please just stay home.  If you can all just keep yourselves away from me for as long as possible, I think we can bring down the curve,” the governor emphasized.   

As of Wednesday there were six confirmed cases of misconduct, but experts warn the real number is almost certainly much higher.  “For every reported case there could be as many as ten additional cases we don’t even know about,” warned Anne Clark, one of the attorney’s appointed to lead the investigation.

Many in the public are wondering when we might expect to see the number of daily cases peak and begin to decline.  Governor Cuomo addressed the issue in Wednesday’s briefing.  “Listen, we’ve been paying very close attention to the projection models.  Right now, it’s anybody’s guess when these women with whom I’ve had previous encounters will stop coming forward.  The curve could continue to rise, bend and then fall dramatically, or it might at some point level off.  Really, it’s incumbent upon you ladies to self-isolate in your homes for the next three weeks, or if you must be in my presence, please maintain a distance of at least six feet and cover yourself entirely in loose-fitting unattractive garments,” Cuomo said.

Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt featuring Tech Posse to headline ‘Re-Imagine’ benefit concert

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and former Google CEO Eric Schmidt, accompanied by scores of other titans of tech, will gather for a benefit concert to raise money to fundamentally restructure our society and transform its institutions.

Borrowing heavily from John Lennon’s timeless classic ‘Imagine,’ the event dubbed ‘Re-Imagine’ will attempt to envision and describe what a post-pandemic world might look like.

In advance of next month’s concert, Gates, Schmidt and the Tech Posse released a single that will serve as the theme song for the event, and raise money to transform society into a tech bro utopia.

Re-Imagine there’s no classrooms.

It isn’t hard to do.

No work to drive to.

And no sporting events too. 

Re-Imagine all the people telecommuting to work from home.  

You may say I’m a greedy billionaire.

But I’m not the only one.

I strongly encourage you to join me.

Or I’ll detonate my Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator. 

Partnering with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to “re-imagine education”, the Gates Foundation has received pushback recently from education officials over plans to dismantle education as we know it and replace it with a system of online instruction and distance learning.  Cuomo has indicated a willingness to consider the approach.  

“The old model of everybody goes and sits in the classroom, and the teacher is in front of that classroom and teaches that class, and you do that all across the city, all across the state, all these buildings, all these physical classrooms — why, with all the technology you have?” said Cuomo, promoting the “Re-Imagine” partnership.

Available for viewing across multiple platforms, the event features additional performances by Tech Posse performing “Tech Bro Paradise” and guest artist Dr. Anthony Fauci performing “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.”