On the heels of authorizing a fourth dose of vaccine for the over 50 crowd, the FDA is considering adding vaccine “bumps” to the current regimen of periodic boosting.
When Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla approached the FDA about recommending another boost for individuals over 65, the regulatory body did him one better by expanding the pool to everyone over 50.
Sensing an opportunity to increase profits, Bourla has instructed researchers at the company to develop vaccine “bumps” to be administered periodically between boosts as a way of supplementing antibody protection.
“You know, it’s just like sometimes your antibodies start to feel a little low and your titer is down around 1:250, and you just need a little bump to maintain and get to feeling normal again. That’s where we’re at, bro,” Bourla told FDA officials. “So now when you go into a crowded restaurant and you’re worried about whether your antibody level is going to provide enough protection, you can slip into the restroom, give yourself a little bump of Pfizer vaccine and reemerge with the confidence that you can handle any situation.”
Needless to say, the FDA has been extremely impressed with Bourla’s proactive approach, planning to fasttrack the approval of vaccine bumps without requiring efficacy trials.
Critics worry that self-administered vaccine jabs could be unnecessary and lead to unintended health consequences. Bourla dismisses the concern. “The public has this notion that I’m some kind of pusher man, that I like sticking needles in people’s arms. Do I look like a common drug peddler? Get real, man.”
Do not attempt to adjust your internet connection, there is nothing wrong. Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer and legendary developers of uncut funk, the P-Funk All-Stars, have taken control to bring you a very special show and raise awareness about the need to get vaccinated. While over 100 million doses of the Covid vaccine have been dispensed so far, millions of Americans have yet to be vaccinated. In response, Pfizer is dispatching the Mothership to touch down in areas around the country most in need of inoculation. Pumping “Make my vax the P-Vax” and operating at 500,000 kilowatts of P.Funk power, the Mothership has set an ambitious goal of dispensing an additional 100 million doses of vaccine by Memorial Day. P-Vax workers have only one request of Americans seeking vaccination when the Mothership lands in their community, please put your sunglasses on and wear a mask so you can feel cool. That’s the law around the Mothership. Pfizer hopes everyone who has yet to be vaccinated will take advantage of this exciting opportunity to protect themselves from Covid while simultaneously improving their Interplanetary Funksmanship.
Shit’s getting real in the vaccine wars. Blue Ribbon Labs today revealed data from clinical trials showed its experimental vaccine was 110% effective in preventing COVID-19. The news comes just days after Pfizer and Moderna announced the efficacy of their vaccines to be 90% and 95% respectively.
“We couldn’t be more pleased with the outcome of these clinical trials,” said company president Dr. Winston O’Boogie. “Here at Blue Ribbon Labs we’ve never settled for anything less than 110% in everything we do. It’s fine for the other guys if their vaccine is 90 or 95% effective, but ours goes up to 110. Come to us if you want that extra level of protection.”
So far, the response from the medical community has been mixed with some experts questioning how any vaccine could be 110% effective.
“Our vaccine creates an eight inch radioactive field of defense around the individual, preventing the virus from ever coming into contact with a potential host,” said Benny Lam, head researcher on the project. “Should a COVID virus attempt to breach the protective field, it is immediately vaporized on contact. In addition to protecting the entire individual, with our vaccine you’re getting an added 10% halo of protection. That’s extra peace of mind you can’t put a price on.”
Company officials downplayed rumors of severe side effects, assuring the public the vaccine is completely safe.
“Some participants have shown symptoms of radiation poisoning, and a few have succumbed to acute organ failure,” said O’Boogie. “But listen, everyone, O’Boogie never lies, this vaccine is 110% safe. I would even take it myself, except that I already have a very robust immune system and don’t require 110 protection. Honestly, I could probably get by with only 40 or 50.”