Long Beach officials announce plans for new offshore outlet mall

Officials in Long Beach, California today announced plans for an ambitious new offshore outlet shopping mall.  Developers and city officials hope the project, tentatively titled Bargain Barge Offshore Outlet, will serve a dual purpose.  First they plan to take advantage of all the sparsely utilized and underdeveloped aquatic space sitting offshore.  Second, they hope to alleviate the growing backlog of cargo ships waiting to dock at Long Beach ports.    

“Never before in history has anything like this been attempted – a floating outlet mall.  Shoppers will be able to board a barge, retailers will fling open the container doors and patrons will have access to all the latest products and styles at wholesale prices,” said Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia.  

Developers see the project as a means of delivering the absolute rock bottom lowest prices to the consumer. 

“We’ve quite literally cut out the middle men,” said project developer Rod Michael.  “No shipping companies or Amazon distribution taking their usual cut.  This product is direct from the manufacturer.  We’re calling it ‘China Fresh.’” 

Naturally, dock workers, distributors and some retailers are not pleased with the announcement.  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has already threatened to deploy his flying phallic rocket ship to torpedo any barge that opens its doors to the general public.  

Developers and city officials hope to break seawater on the project in the coming months with shopping to commence in time for Christmas. 

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees.  As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering.  It’s flying all by itself.  It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans.  If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space. 

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers. 

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.  

“Fuck you Branson!  Fuck you Elon Musk!  One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared. 

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown.  The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively.  No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle.  By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity.  Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing.  Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity.  That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity.  One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge.  Bezos allegedly flew off the handle.  “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat.  Distribution employs 934,000.  Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000.  That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged.  “Why aren’t the robots ready yet?  Get me our AI division!  Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee.  I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

New details emerge regarding the late twenty-something “Stolen Kids of Sarah Lawrence”

Additional disturbing allegations have emerged regarding accused cult leader Lawrence Ray.  A New York Magazine piece entitled “What Happened to the Stolen Kids of Sarah Lawrence?” details years of forced manual labor imposed on the group of late twenty-something “kids” by their diabolical crew leader Ray.

The shocking piece describes a pattern of shoddy yard work and unfinished landscaping stretching from New Jersey to North Carolina.  “At first, Ray planted some trees and flowers. But it wasn’t long before he began making larger alterations,” said one victim. These larger alterations included a partially dug hole for a pool that “never materialized,” another hole with a boat in it, and unplanted trees.

The cult’s activities take on an even more horrifying aspect when it’s discovered that Ray used the “kids” he “stole” from Sarah Lawrence College to perform the half-assed yard work.  Then he attempted to bilk them out of thousands of dollars through legally binding emails and hand-written contracts that read “Prices of your Things I Damaged” and “This is an agreement… to settle reparations.”  It’s doubtful any lawyer in the land would want to go near any of those disputes.

“Ray’s home renovations and landscaping were key to his manipulation,” the article states.  Lawrence Ray wouldn’t be the first cult leader to control the mind’s of his followers through ceaseless toil and manual labor.  Jim Jones forced his followers to farm the land. Charles Manson’s crew worked as ranch hands. Most likely, Jeff Bezos employs an elaborate system of AI powered mind control to manipulate his followers into working in his distribution centers.  

At least this fiend, Lawrence Ray, is now off the streets, in federal custody, and nowhere near the flower beds and shrubbery of the unsuspecting public.  Most disturbing, though, is the question of how an ex-con managed to manipulate the minds of some of the brightest, most coddled and privileged, young people at one of the nation’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning into following him?  Perhaps we’ll never know.

Haters heap apologies on AOC over Amazon deal

Americans by the thousands continued to express their most heartfelt regrets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over past criticism of her role in scuttling Amazon’s HQ2 project in Queens.  

With last week’s news that Amazon would be bringing 1500 jobs to Manhattan, a triumphant AOC tweeted a photograph of herself Friday with the caption, “Me waiting on the haters to apologize after we were proven right on Amazon and saved the public billions.”

Almost immediately, Haters began begging for forgiveness and offering effusive praise to the Queens congresswoman.  “Sorry I ever doubted you, AOC,” tweeted one constituent. “25,000 Amazon jobs over ten years was a sucky deal for us, but 1500 in another congressional district – SWEET!” 

Haters from across the media landscape poured out their gratitude and attempted to get back into AOC’s good graces.  “All this time I’ve been praising Donald Trump for his exceptional deal making with North Korea and China,” wrote a contributor to The Daily Caller.  “Once again you’ve shown me the error of my ways, AOC. You are clearly as successful a deal maker as Trump, and your humility is rivaled only by our dear leader himself.” 

A contrite Jeff Bezos offered his apologies as he hovered in his helicopter above New York City looking for a place to land, “Well, I gotta say, that gal’s got a lot of spunk.  I’ve certainly met my match in AOC. Now would someone please build me a free private helipad so we could land this darn thing.”

AOC policy adviser to put billionaires on public assistance

Apparently America’s billionaire problem is out of control.  It seems like you can’t even walk down the street anymore without tripping over some shady billionaire announcing a new business venture, buying a professional sports team, or giving millions to charitable foundations.  AOC policy adviser Dan Riffle would like to change that. Going by the Twitter title “Every Billionaire is a policy Failure,” Dan has a plan to rid America of its billionaires within our lifetime. In fact, the plan would so thoroughly inoculate the United States from the scourge of billionaires, that most former sufferers would fall helplessly into the massive social safety net created by their absence.

In an interview with Vox, Dan the Policy Man kicks around a federal tax rate that would most effectively relieve a billionaire sufferer of all that needless cash.  His boss, AOC, has floated the idea of a 70 percent top rate. Dan has tweeted that he could talk her up to 90. In the Vox interview, he describes trying to come up with a catchy Twitter name that would succinctly distill his policy position.  He started with, “Tax income over $5 million at 99 percent.” That didn’t roll off the tongue well enough for him. Not because the idea was in any way objectionable, it just wasn’t succinct enough for him. That’s when he came up with the epically memeable “Every Billionaire is a policy Failure.”  You may have caught the EBIAPF Challenge on YouTube, or seen someone wearing the t-shirt. 

Granted, a billion dollars is a lot of money, but Riffle isn’t just talking about taxing the shit out of galactic riches.  When asked to define extreme wealth, he replies, “I don’t know where exactly we can draw the line… But at some point there has to be an upper bound, right?  If you have $5 million, you can live off the interest of that and be a one percenter. There’s nothing in this world that anybody wants or needs to do that you can’t do with, let’s say, $10-$15 million.”  

Riffle has already stated what he’d do to five million, he’d have Uncle Sam take 99 percent.  That leaves the taxpayer with $50,000. Not a bad take home, right? Except that Uncle Sam also withholds for Social Security and Medicare with state and local deducting additional percentage points.  Does it not occur to the policy adviser to U.S Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that, if you take 99% of someone’s income, any additional percent of withholding will leave the taxpayer broke or owing additional taxes for which they have no income remaining?  Even if federal withholding is only 90% – the number he’s going to talk AOC into – that still wipes out the taxpayer’s income for the year, no matter how large that income may be. I guess you have to be a policy adviser in Washington to understand how the math works on that one, because if you’re just seated at your kitchen table, the numbers don’t add up.   

Not content to just tax income, Riffle goes on to suggest forcing owners to divest from their companies, creating “democratic control over society’s resources.”  The idea is to relieve a Bill Gates or a Jeff Bezos of their company’s stock once its value exceeds $10 million. “There’s other ways that you can force the divestiture of an owner of a company once we hit a certain threshold,” Riffle explains.  “Having more democratic control over society’s resources would be helpful, and having more democratic control over a company’s resources would be beneficial for that company as well.” So, in other words, you’ve done really well for yourself here, Jeff, but we’re going to take democratic control of that $100 billion in Amazon stock you own, and we’re going to democratically take over the company you built and control it from here forward.  This sounds a lot like the kind of democracy they used to practice in the German Democratic Republic (the former East Germany), or they currently practice in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea). 

If the interviewer can be excused for not pushing back on what seem to be rather extreme policy proposals, it’s because the proposals themselves would almost certainly achieve its stated goal of complete eradication of all American billionaires and multimillionaires within a very short span of time.  They would almost certainly flee for billionaire friendly countries like China, Germany, Russia, Great Britain, India, France, and Canada to name a few nations that seem to be most severely plagued by burdensome billionaires. Once gone we would need to seal our borders against their return, only then could we truly enjoy our riches to rags utopia.