Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”  

Campaign staff urges Mike Bloomberg to refrain from personally stopping and frisking event attendees

Staffers for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg are pleading with their boss today to halt the random stop and frisks he performs on attendees of campaign events.  Not surprisingly, the former mayor of New York is pushing back, characterizing the practice as a means of personally connecting with voters.

“I’m sorry if my staff views these personal moments I share with Americans as an inconvenience or an infringement on their time.  However, I very much enjoy the one to one contact I have with these individuals and their personal belongings,” said Bloomberg.

“One of the knocks on Bloomberg is his lack of charisma and his inability to connect with average Americans.  Aside from his obvious fondness for patting down and manually probing nearly everyone he encounters, he probably thinks he’s making a positive and lasting impression on voters,” observes MSNBC political analyst Hayes Matthews.

However, many campaign staffers are openly questioning the implementation of a new policy Bloomberg refers to as “voter forfeiture.”  Under this practice, Bloomberg often seizes something of value from the individual during the stop and frisk, promising to return it once they have cast a vote for him.  

The practice has raised more than a few eyebrows on the campaign trail, and has many crying foul.  “He relieved me of my engagement ring,” complained one attendee of a New York campaign event. “Now I have to postpone my wedding until after the election.”

Others complain that the billionaire allows his hands to linger a little too long over some search areas.  “Stop and frisk, my ass,” protested one event attendee. “He patted his way straight to my tush and wouldn’t move on till he got my endorsement.”

Don’t expect the policy to end anytime soon.  Said one staffer, “As long as Bloomberg has a reasonable suspicion that you might not vote for him, he’s probably going to let his fingers do the walking.”