Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. 

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”  

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots.  However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

G7 leaders gather to record rousing rendition of All You Need Is Doom

Leaders of the Group of Seven Industrialized nations have been cranking out hit after hit since coming together in Brussels this week.  On Thursday, they signaled their unity by assembling for a photo-op and spontaneously bursting into an impromptu performance of their international smash hit All You Need Is Doom.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was the first to seize the microphone and issue a stern warning to humanity: 

“There’s nothing you can say that can’t be unsaid,

Nothing you can spend that can’t be unspent,

Listen to us and you can learn how to be you in time,

It’s easy.”

Addressing a group of reporters at a news conference in Brussels, Biden delivered a stirring address to the people of all nations:  “It’s going to be real.  The price of the sanctions is not just imposed upon Russia. It’s imposed upon an awful lot of countries as well, including European countries and our country as well.”

Glimpsing the sacrifice world leaders were willing to make, the people of the world at once sensed their duty to all go hungry together.  Then Biden kicked a hole in the speaker, grabbed the mic and sang:

“No one you can lead that can’t be unled,

No one you can feed that can’t be unfed,

Nothing you can do but you can play the game by the rules,

It’s easy.”

Then the rest of the Group of Seven joined Biden for the chorus, singing, “All you need is doom,” as they closed out the meeting.

Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.  

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed.  Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden.  Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.  

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket.  “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for?  This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo.  Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak.  You’re fired.”  

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance.  “Look at you, man.  You got crumbs all over your shirt.  Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog?  And your trousers have stains all over the front.  I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle.  You’re through.  Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing.  “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.

Biden blinding America with science

Since his inauguration President Joe Biden and his team have blinded Americans with a dizzying array of head-spinning science.  In a week that included Dr. Anthony Fauci invoking the Great Spirit of Science during a White House ceremony, Biden floored the nation with his picks for America’s science dream team.  

Heading the list is OSTP director pick, Eric Lander, who Biden lured over from the Human Genome Project after trading away former Office of Science and Technology Policy director and meteorologist Kelvin Droegemeier.

“With Lander you’re getting a real heavy hitter in the science world.  He’s a biology professor at MIT and Harvard Medical School.  Also, he’s a mathematician and geneticist who founded an institute that does that gene-editing CRISPR shit.  The man’s not a mad scientist, but he’s got mad scientific skills,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Other picks for the science dream team include:  Alondra Nelson as OSTP deputy director for science and society; Frances H. Arnold and Maria Zuber as co-chairs of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology; Dr. Francis Collins as director of the National Institutes of Health; Kei Koizumi as OSTP chief of staff; and Narda Jones as OSTP legislative affairs director.

“Science will always be at the forefront of my administration and these world-renowned scientists will ensure everything we do is grounded in science, facts, and the truth,” said President Biden.  “This team represents the top tier of talent in the scientific community.  The American people can rest assured this crew will science the shit out of everything that’s scienceable.” 

Concluding the ceremony, White House science shaman Dr. Anthony Fauci offered a blessing and laid his hands on each member of the science team, conferring upon them exceptional powers of rationality, reason and understanding.  “Now go, my little doves, seek truth.  Let the science speak…good heavens, Kamala Harris, you’re beautiful!”

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone.  No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru.  Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha.  At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos.  We’ve been seeing it all night.  Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes.  Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard.  Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board.  His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet.  I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine.  I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster.  He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”  

A modest non-endorsement

In an election where there can’t be two losers, once again as in 2016, Americans are faced with the difficult decision of choosing the least objectionable candidate.  This is a decision most voters do not take lightly.  Picking the candidate who will do the least amount of damage to American democracy and our standing in the world could have ramifications for decades to come.  Future generations will look back and with the benefit of hindsight judge our effort to cast aside the least deserving of two exceedingly unworthy candidates.  We cannot let them down.  We cannot let America down.  We must correctly identify the biggest loser and then vote for the other guy.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden possess qualities that in any other time and place would probably prevent them from getting anywhere close to the presidency.  Indeed, both have unsuccessfully sought the job many times.  True, Obama won twice with Biden on the ticket, but Biden’s own efforts to seek the presidency, until recently, have not fared well.  And, yes, after multiple tries, Trump shocked the world and himself in 2016 with his improbable win just days after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in over a hundred years.  The universe still hasn’t stopped laughing.    

Both Trump and Biden are shit-talking bullshitters of the highest order.  Visitors to Bullshit Mountain may have seen their likenesses carved into its face.  Granted, the excrement doesn’t flow as freely and voluminously out of the mouth of Biden as it once did, but he still has his moments.  Check out his story of being arrested on the streets of Soweto trying to visit an imprisoned Nelson Mandela.  Trump’s shit-talking powers seem to only sharpen with age, as evidenced by the last four years.  On his current trajectory, it’s only a matter of time before he’ll refuse to condemn Satan because the devil has only ever said nice things about him. 

Probably the most remarkable quality about both of these guys is their capacity for colossal self-delusion.  And while it would be extremely satisfying to send both of them packing, one of them is likely going to get the job of running the country for the next four years.  Therefore, we ought to reject the guy who is wholly incapable of putting the interests of the country ahead of his own, and pick the guy who may occasionally think of someone other than himself.  On that count, the choice is clear, Trump needs to go, and the other guy needs to become the next President of the United States of America. 

‘Word-salad’ deciphering algorithm expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop an algorithm capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden. 

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble.  Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant.  The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork.  “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously.  Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves.  The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making.  It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently.  The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.   

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer.  “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies.  You could literally carry Donald Trump around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff.  However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on Twitter or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Giuliani to drop bunker busting bombshell on impeachment hearings

Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr.  Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.  

Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump.  Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information.  I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”

Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump.  “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth.  Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”  

President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings.  “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive.  But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”