election – If there is something

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone. No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru. Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha. At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos. We’ve been seeing it all night. Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes. Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard. Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board. His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet. I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine. I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster. He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run.

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election. In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper. C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors. However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800. We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory.

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor. “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard. The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest. The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California. As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”

A modest non-endorsement

In an election where there can’t be two losers, once again as in 2016, Americans are faced with the difficult decision of choosing the least objectionable candidate. This is a decision most voters do not take lightly. Picking the candidate who will do the least amount of damage to American democracy and our standing in the world could have ramifications for decades to come. Future generations will look back and with the benefit of hindsight judge our effort to cast aside the least deserving of two exceedingly unworthy candidates. We cannot let them down. We cannot let America down. We must correctly identify the biggest loser and then vote for the other guy.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden possess qualities that in any other time and place would probably prevent them from getting anywhere close to the presidency. Indeed, both have unsuccessfully sought the job many times. True, Obama won twice with Biden on the ticket, but Biden’s own efforts to seek the presidency, until recently, have not fared well. And, yes, after multiple tries, Trump shocked the world and himself in 2016 with his improbable win just days after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in over a hundred years. The universe still hasn’t stopped laughing.

Both Trump and Biden are shit-talking bullshitters of the highest order. Visitors to Bullshit Mountain may have seen their likenesses carved into its face. Granted, the excrement doesn’t flow as freely and voluminously out of the mouth of Biden as it once did, but he still has his moments. Check out his story of being arrested on the streets of Soweto trying to visit an imprisoned Nelson Mandela. Trump’s shit-talking powers seem to only sharpen with age, as evidenced by the last four years. On his current trajectory, it’s only a matter of time before he’ll refuse to condemn Satan because the devil has only ever said nice things about him.

Probably the most remarkable quality about both of these guys is their capacity for colossal self-delusion. And while it would be extremely satisfying to send both of them packing, one of them is likely going to get the job of running the country for the next four years. Therefore, we ought to reject the guy who is wholly incapable of putting the interests of the country ahead of his own, and pick the guy who may occasionally think of someone other than himself. On that count, the choice is clear, Trump needs to go, and the other guy needs to become the next President of the United States of America.

Old Reporter’s Almanac calling for an autumn of doom

Across the media landscape, reporters everywhere are checking moon phases, consulting star charts, and surveying their teams of expert psychics and prognosticators. All of their feedback seems to point to one inevitable conclusion: Americans need to brace for a perfect shitstorm of doom to arrive this autumn and possibly rage through a long dark winter of terror.

How do they know this? Well the signs are pretty clear to all who are willing to see. The Russians are clearly trying to steal the election again, aided by Donald Trump’s private army of postal service goons. No matter the outcome of the election, the results will be illegitimate. And the current pandemic is about to combine forces with our old foe, seasonal influenza, to deliver a one-two knock-out punch to the people of the United States.

As Tom McCarthy wrote for The Guardian back in July, “Now, four months into the pandemic, with test results delayed, contact tracing scarce, protective equipment dwindling and emergency rooms once again filling, the United States finds itself in a fight for its life…. With flu season on the horizon and Donald Trump demanding that millions of students return to school in the fall – not to mention a presidential election quickly approaching – the country appears at risk of being torn apart.”

If only McCarthy had known that Trump was about to unleash the full fury of the USPS on American democracy, he might not have been so cautious in his assessment of America’s future.

As we hurl headlong into the autumn of doom, politicians, the media, and election experts have given just about everyone who needs one a reason to doubt the outcome of the November election. As Edward-Isaac Dovere of The Atlantic wrote in May, “Nearly three in five Americans don’t have confidence in the honesty of our elections, a February Gallup poll found. Republicans, Democrats, state officials, grandmothers, first-time voters, the politically engaged, the anti-institutionalists—pretty much the only thing they could agree on was their doubts about the integrity of our democracy.”

Wonder where they would’ve gotten that idea? Didn’t conservative media and Trump’s faithful stooge, Kris Kobach, uncover millions of fraudulent Clinton votes from 2016? Didn’t the mainstream media and the Mueller investigation find evidence of vote tampering on the part of the Kremlin? They didn’t? After politicians and the media get done assaulting the American people with disinformation and conspiracy theories, it’s amazing two in five Americans still have trust in the electoral process. Better step up your game, media, and come up with more better conspiracies. Besides, anyone who is not afraid of the truth knows that alien grays inhabiting secret underground military bases deep inside the earth determine the outcome of our elections.

The autumn of doom is nearly upon us and the only thing we have to fear is fear and a tsunami of illness, a fraudulent election, societal unrest, and a tyrant who refuses to relinquish power. All we need now is for The Old Farmer’s Almanac to predict a devastating hurricane season and an unrelenting polar vortex.