Strange scenes in the alley

While cable television, Netflix and YouTube are all very well and good, sometimes the most compelling drama plays itself out in the alley next to my house.  A very popular pedestrian throughway, it terminates a few blocks west of my property where it runs into a brick wall that is attached to a popular national pharmacy chain.  Among the procession of shoppers, there are recurring characters that frequently shuffle by, like a gentleman who puffs on a cigarette with his right hand while carrying a case of Busch beer in his left.  By my estimation, this gentleman regularly “heads for the mountains” every couple of days or so.  Undistracted by the activities of the neighborhood, his stare is always fixed at a point far in the distance, like he’s sizing up some far away summit.   

One day, from my kitchen window, I see a man in the back alley engaged in a heated exchange with a stop sign.  Struggling to keep his feet underneath his swaying torso, the man is pointing at the sign and threatening to violently disassemble it.  This particular stop sign normally minds its own business, so it is unclear why the man has such a beef with it.  I’m busy working on the dishes and allow my attention to wander away from the tense standoff for a brief moment.  When I again look up, it seems that in the interim the stop sign has performed some lightning-fast Karate move, leaving the belligerent fellow laying face down in a heap in the alley.  

One drawback to viewing this live drama is that you cannot pause and rewind, so I’ll never know how that sign bully was brought to his knees by this normally docile stop sign.  Anyway, the man lay there incapacitated and munching on gravel for quite some time.  Still, from that unflattering position, he continued to curse loudly and issue violent threats.  However, it appeared his arms had stopped working, because he was unable to push himself up off the ground and back onto his feet.  After the thrashing he had just taken, I began to wonder whether he was in need of medical attention.  

Just then, a police cruiser turned into the alley and slowly crept up on the scene.  By now, three cars had driven around the dude without diverting his attention from the finer details of the asphalt on which his face now rested, but let a police car creep into the vicinity and old boy was on his feet faster than you can say “lickety-split.”  The amount of time it took for this guy to go from crumpled heap to bolt upright could be measured in nanoseconds.

There must remain in modern man some primitive holdover operating independent of our five senses that can intuitively perceive a threat and generate an instantaneous physical reaction.  Where it once may have perceived wild animals or enemy tribesmen, it now seems to zero in on law enforcement or killer clowns.  Whatever fight or flight evolutionary forces got this guy on his feet, they were also now enabling the man, who until moments earlier was arguing with signs and lampposts, to communicate coherently enough with law enforcement that they allowed him to go on his merry way.

The officers grilled him for quite some time and undoubtedly concluded that he was drunk as hell.  But since he wasn’t driving and he seemed more or less capable of walking, if not in a straight line in the general direction of his home, and since whatever grievance he had with the stop sign seemed to have resolved itself, the officers let him totter out of the alley a free man.   

Much respect, “dude in the alley,’” you may never win an Oscar or even a Daytime Emmy, but, when it mattered, you gave the performance of a lifetime.

Sen. Mitch McConnell attempts to conceal lying with lack of lip movement

Ever mindful of the old expression, “You know when he’s lying because his lips are moving,” Mitch McConnell in recent years has taken to speaking without even the slightest disturbance of the area surrounding his mouth.  What remains unclear, though, is whether the Senator believes that by not contorting his lips in any discernible fashion, he can fool those around him into believing the voluminous flow of excrement issuing forth from his motionless sound hole.

Apparently he does because the frequency with which the untruths carelessly fly past his unmoving lips is accelerating like the expansion of the universe.  The latest whopper is his assertion that not approving Supreme Court Justices in an election year is “following a long standing tradition” in the Senate dating back to the 1880’s.  In the 1880’s McConnell was a junior staffer with the Kentucky Senate delegation, so he should know better than anyone that the tradition then was to approve election year nominations.  It is the case that one time since 1888 a nominee was not approved. One time does not a tradition make.

When John Dickerson challenged the Senator’s bullshit on Face the Nation, McConnell became quite defensive and shut down the questioning saying, “You’re not listening to me, John.  The history is just as I told you.” Dickerson seemed slightly taken aback, not only by McConnell’s admonition, but also by the appearance that the words did not seem to emanate from the Senator’s mouth.     

Aides close to the Senate Majority leader say he has been working closely with ventriloquists to perfect the art of speaking without appearing to say anything at all.  The training was undertaken in earnest back when he took over as Majority Leader during the Obama administration. At the time, he attributed an economic uptick with “the expectation of a new Republican Congress.”  The backlash over the absurdity of his comment caused him to explore ways to obscure the frequent untruth telling he was embarking upon. Realizing that every time his lips moved the lies seemed to gush forth like a dam breaking, he determined to take drastic action.      

Additional steps taken to mask the appearance of lying include lip reduction surgery. Many have opted to have fat cells injected into their lips to give them a fuller, fat tire appearance.  McConnell is thought to be the first subject to have their lips deflated to the point of riding on the rims.  The procedure was everything he’d hoped for and resulted in his present turtle like appearance.

Currently, the Senator is working on perfecting the art of “throwing his voice”.  Once this final piece of the puzzle is in place, he will have achieved complete plausible deniability. Imagine the power to lie at will and not have the untruths trace back to the source, but instead be able to stick them to others like hurling darts at a dart board.  It is said when McConnell first conceived the idea, he became almost perceptibly animated and let out a barely audible croak of delight.

Senator Ted Cruz on what to do if you’re in your home and find yourself murdered by police

In a television interview Sunday, Senator Ted Cruz offered the public some wise advice on how to react when you find yourself murdered in your home by police.  Speaking about the recent fatal shooting of a black man in Dallas, the Senator astutely pointed out, “obviously the individual was at home in his apartment and found himself murdered”. 

The murderer turned out to be the victim’s cop neighbor who had wandered into the wrong apartment.  However, Senator Cruz cautioned against focusing too narrowly on the murderer when it comes to placing blame and even offered some tips for how to avoid finding oneself murdered.   

“First off, one should avoid blaming the cop that just murdered you.  I don’t think it helps anything to jump to any conclusions,” the Senator stressed.  “Everybody wants to blame the murderer.  We all need to just stop, take a moment, examine the situation and see if there is any way we can pin this on the victim.”

“Secondly,” Cruz continued, “if you believe there is a likelihood that you might find yourself murdered in your apartment, you may want to go ahead and leave for a little while.  Try going bowling, or do what I do, go to the bingo hall.  But remember, knock on your door when you return.  It is very important that you do not startle the cop who may not realize it is in the wrong apartment.  Of course, there is no guarantee the cop won’t shoot you for knocking on the door.  So beware, it is just as frightened as you, only it has a gun and permission to use it regardless of the situation.”

“This leads in to my final point, what to do if you discover a lost cop inside your home and it won’t leave.  Avoid trying to shoo it away.  Do not make any large sudden movements and avoid eye contact.  This is a sure way to find yourself murdered in your home.  It’s often best just to leave the door open and wait for the lost cop to wander off.  Usually, in the morning around feeding time, they will strike out in search of coffee and pastry.”

Oh dear, they’ve gone and hurt Trump’s feelings again

Seems that some pretty important folks over at Google were privately talking behind Donald Trump’s back and saying very hurtful things about his election.  A video leaked by Breitbart shows Google’s co-founder Sergey Brin addressing co-workers, “Let’s face it, most people here are pretty upset and pretty sad because of the election…as a immigrant and refugee I certainly find this election deeply offensive and I know many of you do too.”  Reports have it Trump was so traumatized when the news reached him that he had to seek refuge in his safe space. 

Trump’s 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale, responded by tweeting, “Google needs to explain why this isn’t a threat to the republic.”  Apparently, the alleged ghostwriter of many a Trump tweet was very outraged by these micro-targeted micro-aggressions.  The air on Mount Hypocrisy is pretty thin, but not so thin he can’t hold Google accountable as he defends a man who has dubbed the press in this country the enemy of the people.   

Of course all of this follows last week’s investigative tweet by Trump that Google rigs its search results.  “Google search results for ‘Trump News’ shows only the viewing/reporting of Fake News Media. In other words, they have it RIGGED, for me & others, so that almost all stories & news is BAD,” Trump said. “Republican/Conservative & Fair Media is shut out. Illegal.”  Too bad Twitter limits the number of characters, otherwise I’m sure President Mr. Trump would have cited the federal criminal code to back up his “illegal” assertion.  To be fair though, Trump reportedly spent many months painstakingly researching this tweet, making sure he had all his facts straight before publishing.  

Trump went on to threaten Alphabet Inc, Facebook and Twitter saying they “better be careful” they “are treading on very, very troubled territory”.  Trump’s right of course.  Researching this post, I could scarcely find any mention of this Google bad news on Google. 

Finally, over on state run media, Trump’s Minister of Information, Sean Hannity, was experiencing yet another Foxturnal emission as he pored over a new batch of Strzok/Page anti-Trump texts.  Trigger warning for Sean Hannity:  as of Friday Paul Manafort has agreed to cooperate with Mueller.  Hannity looked pretty sad and disillusioned Friday night.  His red, puffy eyes betrayed a day long sob fest.    

In the true spirit of democratic capitalism, Trump and conservative lawmakers are again threatening to interfere and hold a private sector company to account for perceived political differences.  Funny how they don’t see it that way when it’s the Koch brothers throwing millions at conservative causes, or the Mercer’s attempting to subvert the democratic process.  Wasn’t it a famous conservative who once said “government is the problem?”  Not for this bunch, I guess. 

Why am I quoting Reagan?  Why am I defending Google?  You can’t even navigate your way to this blog through Google.  If anyone’s ended up here from a Google search result, please let me know.  Anyway it seems the magnetic field has shifted or we’ve slipped through a wormhole.  Republican lawmakers lecture FBI and Justice Department officials about conducting impartial investigations while they concoct an alternate reality based on partisan conspiratorial fabrications.  Their deep state narrative is like a forum submission to a political porno mag.  We won’t even mention QAnon.  Perhaps the deep state is our only hope.

Amazon to offer employees adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at cost.  The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively.  No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle.  By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity.  Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for testing.  Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity.  That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity.  One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge.  Bezos allegedly flew off the handle.  “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat.  Distribution employs 934,000.  Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000.  That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged.  “Why aren’t the robots ready yet?  Get me our AI division!  Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee.  I sweat it out by working my ass off!”    

Rep. Devin Nunes rebuffed by UK deep state

Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, traveled across the pond recently to speak with top officials of Britain’s intelligence services.  Perhaps Nunes should have called ahead because upon arrival he discovered no one willing to meet with him.

Reporters describe a dejected Nunes standing outside the headquarters of MI6, ringing the bell and receiving no response.  “Come on, guys, US government business, open up,” Nunes whined.  “Look, I know you’re in there.  I can see you through the blinds.”

Embarrassed and irritated at the rebuff, Nunes flipped off the surveillance camera and stomped away, panties clearly in a bunch.

According to sources, Nunes had a little better luck at MI5 as he was able to access the lobby only to be told by reception that there was no one available to meet with him. 

“I don’t think you understand.  I’m investigating a far reaching deep state conspiracy to take down the President of the United States and I demand to see Christopher Steele,” Nunes cried, beginning to grow hysterical.

“Mr. Steele doesn’t work here and I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the receptionist replied.

“I can see them all back there,” said Nunes pointing to a glass conference room.  “The whole deep state cabal plotting and scheming to take down my President.  Hey, stop that!  I command you in the name of his majesty President Donald Trump, Earl of Orange, Duke of Mar a Lago.”

Representative Nunes then delivered a statement outside MI5 headquarters.  “Clearly Mr. Steele and his group of cohorts have been back channeling us, penetrating us from behind, and trying to perform some kind of work around.  Well, I won’t be pushed away.  These English gentleman can’t just wave their tea bags in my face, offer me a crumpet, and send me on my merry way.”

According to press reports, that’s pretty much what they did.

Later Nunes was hosted at the home of Roman Abramovich, the Russian oligarch and owner of Chelsea FC.  He and aides later attended  a Chelsea match, but Nunes complained bitterly the entire time that he thought he was going to a football game.

In final battle of Mexican-American war, Tucker Carlson reclaims tacos for America

On last night’s state run media broadcast of Tucker Carlson Tonight, host Tucker Carlson reignited old hostilities that lay dormant for over 150 years.  The issue:  ownership of the disputed El Territorio de los Tacos.

Halfway into a segment with the show’s guest, journalist Enrique Acevedo of Univision, Acevedo implied Mexican ownership of Mexican food by asserting that Mexicans should share their food and culture with Americans.

Carlson immediately became indignant that someone from south of the border should sneak into the United States, onto the set of his show, and try to claim Tucker’s tacos for their own country.  “What do you mean ‘their food’?  It’s American food!  It’s American food!  What do you think, you own tacos now, or something?”

Acevedo, clearly punch drunk from the verbal blows Carlson was landing at will, meekly tried to defend himself by claiming we should all celebrate each other’s cultures.

Carlson expertly deflected this limp wristed jab from the left and again began to pummel his guest, “What do you mean each other’s cultures?  It’s an American food, it’s an American food – you’re not going to appropriate my culture.  I’m from San Diego, man.  Those are my tacos.  Mine!”

Acevedo had to be removed on a stretcher after that final beat down.  However, Carlson wasn’t finished as he turned and addressed the camera.  Speaking to a stunned audience,  “First they came for our jobs, and I did not speak out because I didn’t have one.  Then they came for the journalists, and I did not speak because I’m not a journalist.  Now they’re coming for our tacos, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let them fuck with Tuck’s tacos.  And listen up, China, because I’m talking to you now.  That General Tso’s Chicken is mine!”  

Q returns from working vacation at Kennedy compound as QAnon movement premiers in primetime

For nearly three weeks in July, the online anonymous poster Q kept his followers in the dark as to his thoughts and whereabouts.  Now Q is back, his followers are rejoicing and their taking the QAnon show to primetime.  At Trump rallies last week in Florida and Pennsylvania, Q supporters were widely visible, forcing the MSM to acknowledge them and their growing movement.

So where does the leader of an online conspiracy cult disappear to for a three week July vacation?  Think logically.  Why Hyannis Port of course, and the Kennedy Compound in particular.  According to sources familiar with the situation, Q held extensive meetings and strategy sessions with JFK Jr. as they plotted the final maneuvers of the Deep State take down.  Yes, you read that correctly, he met with John F. Kennedy Jr.  As QAnon lore would have it, JFK Jr. faked his death over twenty years ago so he could come back today and help orchestrate a take down of the Clintons, Obama and the entire Deep State.

Reports indicate Q is fond of clam bakes, sailing and sealing indictments.  In fact, participants describe the Hyannis Port meet up as one big indictment orgy.  So many indictments to seal that Mueller and his team had to be called in to assist.  Oh yeah, for those unfamiliar with the QAnon narrative, the special counsel’s Trump/Russia investigation is just a diversion to conceal the real investigation aimed at taking down the Deep State and DNC pedophiles. 

Logical thinking, right?  Well, this kind of logical thinking travels half way around the world before the facts have time to put their pants on.  QAnon subscribers refer to their movement as The Great Awakening, asserting they’ve been hoodwinked by the Swamp and the MSM for years, and have had their eyes opened and the truth revealed by Q’s clues. 

If you’re not a logical thinker, just take it from popular QAnon disciple Praying Medic who tweets out interpretations of Q’s cryptic drops and produces Youtube videos that tie it all together.  In his world, the Deep State deliver their daily talking points to the MSM every morning at 4:00 am, and Paul Manafort and Carter Page were implanted in the Trump campaign by the Obama administration to act as Deep State informants and ultimately to take down Trump.  (Amazing how Obama had the forethought to insert these guys into the Trump campaign.  Not to mention, didn’t the FBI have an informant trying to extract information from their informant Carter Page?)  Also, when The Storm finally occurs, Obama, the Clintons and all their Deep State henchmen are going to end up in GITMO.

The mental gymnastics required to follow this logical thinking resembles a Romanian gymnast performing all manner of improbable twists and turns, flips and impossible contortions.  They haven’t yet concocted a degree of difficulty capable of capturing the scope and complexity of this routine.  Which is probably why you have to join the cult before you can “become awake.”  Most likely, most Q supporters at the Trump rally are anything but awake.  Most likely, Q went on vacation to Hyannis Port and all they got was a lousy t-shirt.  WWG1WGA

What the interpreter heard

The following is an excerpt from notes taken by the American interpreter present at the private meeting between President Trump and Vladimir Putin:

“Comrade President Trump, we go meet press soon.  As Russian intelligence asset you suck.  You act too much like puppy in my lap.  Always key to being good asset is subtlety and discretion.  You behave too much like my bitch.  You must project strong leadership.  Strength and virility, that is what people respect.”  

“Yes, I know.  I’m trying very, very hard, Comrade Putin.  Something about when I get in the presence of powerful, foreign leaders – my knees get weak.  I turn into a little Soviet schoolgirl.” 

“Come, I want for you to drink this vodka before we go meet press.  Make you tough guy, like Charles Bronson.  This vodka why we have no homosexuals in Russia.”

“Sweet Mother of Stalin that shit is strong.  Listen, Vlad, the world doesn’t understand this thing we have.  How could they?  They are like scared, chattering mice.  We are big strong bears.  Come, give me a big Russian bear hug.”

“Stop it, you American clown!  Pull yourself together.  You must convince world Russia did not interfere in American election.”

“Comrade Putin, I was very impressed with the shirtless photo shoot you did on that horse.  Stunning.  Absolutely stunning.  What a powerful presence.  I would love to do something like that, but you could never get me on a horse.  Maybe I could ride an escalator – a shimmering golden escalator in Trump Moscow.  Eh?  What do you think?”

“Nyet.  Enough with the Trump Moscow.  Now eat this caviar.  Turn your yankee doodle into ICBM.”

“But seriously, did they touch up those photos at all?  Maybe they could photo shop my chest and make it look a little firmer, less flabulous.  Is that a word?  Melania says I look flabulous.  By the way, I got a guy who could do something with your hair.  Cover up that bald spot.”

“Silence, Comrade President.  Now we go meet press.  I give you soccer ball.  Please make gift to Pamela Anderson.  Tell her it must occupy special place of honor in her bedroom.” 

“Soccer balls.  I can tell you, I’m never playing World Cup with two hookers in a Moscow hotel room ever again.” 

Bill Shine appointment to bring WH messaging more in line with Fox News

Concerned that White House policy and messaging weren’t sufficiently in lock step with Fox News, President Trump has brought in former Fox News co-president Bill Shine to serve as Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications. 

The president has reportedly tasked Shine with sealing off the faint glimmer of day light that exists between White House communications and FNC reporting.  

According to anonymous White House officials, President Trump has been frustrated at the hostile line of questioning he’s received during recent appearances on his favorite morning news show Fox and Friends.

Another point of contention the president would like Shine to address is the apparent lack of deference the Fox News presenters show the president and the office he holds. 

“You know a real state run media wouldn’t allow these newscasters to get away with addressing me as Mr. President.  Too dull.  Way too informal.  Something like Dear Leader, or better yet, Supreme Commander of the Armed forces of the United States would be more appropriate for a man of my strength and brilliance.  Work on that, Shine,” President Trump reportedly instructed the incoming Deputy Chief of Staff.

As the size of the White House communications staff continues to shrink due to record departures and an apparent lack of interest among potential hires, the Trump administration sees this appointment as a first step in the process of outsourcing the entire communications operation to Fox News.