Donald Trump – If there is something

Trump steps in to mediate ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

Following the success of his Russia-Ukraine deal and repairing the rift between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, America’s unifier-in-chief, President Donald Trump, is now turning his attention to resolving the ongoing feud between veteran rockers Daryl Hall and John Oates. The popular musicians have been embroiled in a bitter legal dispute since November 2023.

As far as Daryl Hall is concerned, the rock duo’s personal and professional partnership is beyond repair. “That ship has gone to the bottom of the ocean,” Hall told a reporter for The Times.

However, the Hall & Oates differences have not yet been subjected to the extraordinary healing power of an intense Trump White House negotiating session.

“I’m confident we can get a deal,” the president said. “The world needs Hall & Oates together making their beautiful music. What’s that song of theirs, The Sound of Silence? That’s all we’re getting out of them these days – silence, and that’s a shame.”

“That’s Simon & Garfunkel, Mr. President.”

“Oh yes. Well they’re wonderful too. Maybe I’ll work on getting them back together as well. I mean Piano Man, In The Air Tonight – the world loves their music. For the sake of lasting peace in the world, we need them back together.”

However, a brief White House meeting with Oates in front of reporters appeared to take an ugly turn when the president excoriated Oates for not taking the deal.

“Oates, come on, take the deal on the table. What are you without Hall? I’m sorry but you’re being very disrespectful to me, Hall and everyone here today. I can tell you, years ago when I put this deal in front of John Ford Coley, he went running back to England Dan. Now get with it, Oates.”

Press reports Trump team on track for record number of “self-owns”

According to press reports, during its brief time in office, the Trump administration has already committed 511 “self-owns,” putting it on track to become the most “self-owning” administration since Woodrow Wilson. President Trump heads up the “self-own” list with Elon Musk and administration spokesperson Karoline Leavitt occupying the second and third spots

“With our democracy hanging in the balance, documenting “self-owns” is more crucial than ever,” said HuffPost senior self-own sleuth Ed Mazza. HuffPost has documented 327 “self-owns,” putting it well ahead of its closest media rivals on the “self-own” beat. “Hilarious self-owns” lead the list with “epic self-owns” running close behind.

Perhaps the most “epic” or “meta self-own” came when President Trump was asked about his propensity to “self-own” and he mistook the reporter to say “cell phone.”

“Of course I have a cell phone. What is this guy talking about? Fake news. Fake news,” the president remarked in what turned out to be a spectacular, reality-bending self-own.

In addition to “self-owns,” the media has issued a record number of “brutal reminders.” It appears the late night talk shows dominate the “brutal reminder” list, with Seth Myers pumping out scathing brutal reminders on almost a nightly basis.

Trump floats hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island. “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it. We could buy the struggling island, spruce it up a little and flip it for a tidy little profit,” President Trump said.

Sources close to Trump say he and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months. “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating. “We’re also looking at buying Mexico and Canada while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula. We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money. “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the hell is the president elect even talking about?”

Hollywood celebrities begin the process of mass self-deportation

Following Tuesday’s election of Donald Trump to the presidency of the United States, Hollywood’s elite are furiously making plans to flee the country.

Word has it, it’s getting hard for a celebrity out on these streets. First, the regime shut down the Diddy parties. Now, the land of the free stands poised on the verge of a hellish freefall into a dystopian, authoritarian nightmare.

Only one thing left to do if you live in Malibu or Bel Aire or 90210, give your domestic staff two weeks notice and book passage on a first class flight to freedom.

According to reports, America Ferrera is donning her traveling pants and taking her family to the UK. Sources say she’s also considering changing her name from America to Britannia.

“I am certainly considering a house in Italy. I think that’s an intelligent construct at this time,” Sharon Stone told the Daily Mail.

If you’re a person of abundant means, living in Italy would probably be pretty awesome. But politics might not be the most “intelligent construct” to flee California for a new life in Italy. Italy has their own little populist firecracker, and the reproductive rights laws are way more restrictive than California.

Say it ain’t so, Sophie Turner. She promised to “get the f*** out” of America and move back to Winterfell or King’s Landing or wherever she hails from if Trump won.

Cher’s gone. “I almost got an ulcer the last time. If he gets in, who knows? This time I will leave [the country],” she told the Guardian. She was married to Sonny Bono. This can’t be worse than that.

Wherever these Hollywood folks end up, the nations receiving them better posh up their immigration facilities pronto.

As governor, Walz labored on highway project to save taxpayers money

Following former president Donald Trump’s brief employment as a McDonald’s drive-thru attendant, media outlets rushed to question the authenticity of Trump’s new part-time gig.

Newsweek tapped sources on social media to confirm whether Trump had indeed taken on a second job. There they uncovered an inconvenient truth for the Trump campaign and reported, “rumors have been circulating on social media that Trump’s visit to McDonald’s was ‘staged.’”

A McDonald burn. Out of the frying basket and into the fryer.

Sensing something smelled Filet-O-Fishy, NBC News went on a little fact-finding mission of its own:

“The franchise in Feasterville was closed for normal business during Sunday’s photo op. The customers who went through the drive thru were pre-selected by the franchise and the local Trump campaign team, according to a person familiar with the event. The cars were also screened and searched, and the people in them were wanded down, according to the source.”

Apparently, the whole episode was just a ruse and the former president was not trying to pick up a little extra campaign cash.

As the debate continued to rage, MSNBC’s Steve Benen dropped some nuance, like a sizzling patty on a sesame seed bun:

“Those characterizing this as “work,” however, have been overly generous: There’s an important difference between work and theatrics, and this was definitely the latter.”

As proof that the Harris campaign knows a little something about work, they released a photo of Tim Walz with fellow Dem colleague Amy Klobuchar laboring on a highway project back in 2022.

According to media reports, the two worked shovels ten hours a day for nearly eight months in an effort to save taxpayers money.

How many more falsified documents are out there?

As the nation breathes a sigh of relief that a serial document falsifier has finally been brought to justice, some are starting to ask, “Why did it take so long?” The 34 falsified documents that we know about happened eight years ago, begging the question, how many documents have been falsified since? For eight years, this now convicted felon has been allowed to be in the same room alone with documents, hold documents in his tiny hands and even keep them in his mansion overnight. What unspeakable lies has he committed to paper? What diabolical alterations has he made?

So far the only documents he’s been charged with falsifying have been in the state of New York. Thanks to the tireless work of prosecutors there, the convicted felon will no longer be allowed anywhere near documents and will forever carry the shame of being a registered document offender. But in the past eight years this man has traveled extensively and has resided in Washington D.C. and Florida. Prosecutors in these jurisdictions owe it to the public to reinvestigate every instance of a falsified document to see if they can be traced back to this man.

The verdict just read, Americans are bracing themselves for the rioting and mayhem that is sure to follow. News outlets like Reuters, MSNBC, The Independent and others are sounding the alarm as supporters of the convicted felon pour into the streets, like in a Batman movie, to unleash chaos on a peace-loving, non-document falsifying public. Even now these hooligans are no doubt planning to commit billions of dollars in property damage, rip the heart out of our democracy and swallow it whole while it’s still beating. Good thing we have a defiant media standing by ready to shine a spotlight on their misdeeds.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble. Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant. The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork. “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously. Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves. The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making. It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently. The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer. “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies. You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office. Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me. The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban. I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around. Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts. President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me. I earn less than $99,000 a year. Hell, I don’t even take a salary. I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed. “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic? C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically. Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned. “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run.

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election. In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper. C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors. However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800. We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory.

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor. “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard. The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest. The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California. As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”