Family man reassured by news that the empty space inside his wallet is ‘transitory’

Concerned over the short-term occupancy of cash inside his wallet, Lester Bridges was reassured by news that his present circumstances are merely transitory.

“According to most of the experts, our family’s situation is temporary and has been for most of the past year, apparently,” said Bridges.  “Gotta say, I was pretty relieved to hear that.  The experts are closely monitoring the situation and soon I’m sure my billfold will runneth over.”  

Officials point out that the pandemic has caused a global supply chain backlog, which has temporarily resulted in higher prices.  Once the supply chain is back online, prices should return to normal levels.

“I sure do hope that’s the case,” said Bridges.  “Because, if it isn’t, I’ll soon have to explain to my daughter that the empty space inside her milk cup is the result of a long line of container ships parked in the Pacific Ocean.  I have a feeling even my elementary school-age daughter will see through that bullshit.” 

Nevertheless, Bridges knows there are many other pressing concerns facing the country and that leadership has its most capable people hard at work on solving the problems facing ordinary working Americans.

“I sure do hope Congress passes that student debt relief,” said Bridges.  “It’s heartbreaking to hear stories like AOC drowning in $17,000 in student loan debt.  After all, she’s trying to scrape by on a mere $174,000 a year. Then you have the spouse of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg taking a stand against the resumption of payments.”

According to Politico, Chasten Buttigieg received a notice that his student loan relief from the COVID-19 pandemic will expire on January 31, 2022 and that he’d soon have to resume making payments.  Buttigieg posted a screenshot of the notice on Instagram with the caption, “LOL no thank you Merry Christmas next.”

“Good for him.  Husband Pete has enough on his plate with the supply chain backlog.  You try making payments on two homes and a student loan on a paltry $220,000 a year,” said Bridges.

AOC policy adviser to put billionaires on public assistance

Apparently America’s billionaire problem is out of control.  It seems like you can’t even walk down the street anymore without tripping over some shady billionaire announcing a new business venture, buying a professional sports team, or giving millions to charitable foundations.  AOC policy adviser Dan Riffle would like to change that. Going by the Twitter title “Every Billionaire is a policy Failure,” Dan has a plan to rid America of its billionaires within our lifetime. In fact, the plan would so thoroughly inoculate the United States from the scourge of billionaires, that most former sufferers would fall helplessly into the massive social safety net created by their absence.

In an interview with Vox, Dan the Policy Man kicks around a federal tax rate that would most effectively relieve a billionaire sufferer of all that needless cash.  His boss, AOC, has floated the idea of a 70 percent top rate. Dan has tweeted that he could talk her up to 90. In the Vox interview, he describes trying to come up with a catchy Twitter name that would succinctly distill his policy position.  He started with, “Tax income over $5 million at 99 percent.” That didn’t roll off the tongue well enough for him. Not because the idea was in any way objectionable, it just wasn’t succinct enough for him. That’s when he came up with the epically memeable “Every Billionaire is a policy Failure.”  You may have caught the EBIAPF Challenge on YouTube, or seen someone wearing the t-shirt. 

Granted, a billion dollars is a lot of money, but Riffle isn’t just talking about taxing the shit out of galactic riches.  When asked to define extreme wealth, he replies, “I don’t know where exactly we can draw the line… But at some point there has to be an upper bound, right?  If you have $5 million, you can live off the interest of that and be a one percenter. There’s nothing in this world that anybody wants or needs to do that you can’t do with, let’s say, $10-$15 million.”  

Riffle has already stated what he’d do to five million, he’d have Uncle Sam take 99 percent.  That leaves the taxpayer with $50,000. Not a bad take home, right? Except that Uncle Sam also withholds for Social Security and Medicare with state and local deducting additional percentage points.  Does it not occur to the policy adviser to U.S Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that, if you take 99% of someone’s income, any additional percent of withholding will leave the taxpayer broke or owing additional taxes for which they have no income remaining?  Even if federal withholding is only 90% – the number he’s going to talk AOC into – that still wipes out the taxpayer’s income for the year, no matter how large that income may be. I guess you have to be a policy adviser in Washington to understand how the math works on that one, because if you’re just seated at your kitchen table, the numbers don’t add up.   

Not content to just tax income, Riffle goes on to suggest forcing owners to divest from their companies, creating “democratic control over society’s resources.”  The idea is to relieve a Bill Gates or a Jeff Bezos of their company’s stock once its value exceeds $10 million. “There’s other ways that you can force the divestiture of an owner of a company once we hit a certain threshold,” Riffle explains.  “Having more democratic control over society’s resources would be helpful, and having more democratic control over a company’s resources would be beneficial for that company as well.” So, in other words, you’ve done really well for yourself here, Jeff, but we’re going to take democratic control of that $100 billion in Amazon stock you own, and we’re going to democratically take over the company you built and control it from here forward.  This sounds a lot like the kind of democracy they used to practice in the German Democratic Republic (the former East Germany), or they currently practice in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea). 

If the interviewer can be excused for not pushing back on what seem to be rather extreme policy proposals, it’s because the proposals themselves would almost certainly achieve its stated goal of complete eradication of all American billionaires and multimillionaires within a very short span of time.  They would almost certainly flee for billionaire friendly countries like China, Germany, Russia, Great Britain, India, France, and Canada to name a few nations that seem to be most severely plagued by burdensome billionaires. Once gone we would need to seal our borders against their return, only then could we truly enjoy our riches to rags utopia.

Democrats hope to ride prisoner voting issue all the way to the White House

Some say President Trump is pretty adept at creating and deploying memes to his advantage.  Not so fast, say Democrats, we think we’ve discovered a way to beat the president at his own game.  Bernie Sanders, AOC and members of the MSM are having an important conversation about extending voting rights to the incarcerated.  Many media experts think this could be the issue to carry Democrats into the White House in 2020.

“We think this is an issue voters care about,” says a former aide to Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.  “This is what we in the Beltway Bubble call a ‘kitchen table issue’. I personally don’t supper at a kitchen table.  I usually dine out with political power players. But I understand most Americans talk politics at their kitchen tables, and we think prisoner voting is front and center of those discussions.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thinks the conversation is important “To avoid looking completely + utterly out of touch w/ the reality our prison system.”  Many analysts agree this is a shrewd move on the part of AOC, seizing the issue before the Democrat’s opponents have an opportunity to define it on their terms and use it to their advantage.

Even AOC’s chief of staff is weighing in on the debate.  However, Saikat Chakrabarti doesn’t want the issue to get too bogged down in nuance, but rather should be summed up in an easy to understand meme.  “”Unlock the Vote’. I envision a Democratic Convention where ‘Unlock the Vote’ is a near constant chant. This is the kind of thing that’s going to carry Dems into the White House.”

However the Democrats decide to deploy this winning strategy, they know one thing is for certain, many thousands of inmates will be grateful to them for restoring their right to vote.  Said one inmate, “Do I look like the kind of person who votes to you? I’ve never voted a day in my life. Politicians can go fuck themselves.”