In an effort to combat inflation, President Biden faces intense pressure to lower legal age for claiming senior discounts

President Biden is under growing pressure from the left-wing of his party to lower the legal age at which one can claim a senior discount from 55 to 48.  

Facing a potential shellacking in the upcoming midterm elections due to rising inflation, Democrats are imploring the president to issue an executive order as soon as possible.

In most states the legal age for senior discounts varies between 55 and 62.  Congressional Democrats are calling for a national senior discount age that could potentially alleviate the pain of inflation for millions of Americans.

“We need a senior discount age that protects Americans across the nation.  We’re all seniors now.  Lower each state to 48,” Senator Elizabeth Warren lobbied the president.    

Adding to the urgency, business owners have seen a sharp rise in the number of individuals who do not qualify claiming senior discounts at the point of purchase.  

The problem has gotten so out of hand that county prosecutors are vowing to prosecute offenders to the fullest extent of the law.

“We’re prepared to throw the book at ‘em,” said Los Angeles District Attorney George Gascon, reacting to criticism that he’s soft on crime.  “We’ve got several informants working in various establishments keeping us plugged in to who are the worst offenders.  We caught a 25-year-old wearing a silver wig and trying to order off the senior menu.  We got a 32-year-old on camera using a walker and wearing a thrift store get up to claim a ten percent discount at the supermarket.” 

However, New York DA Alvin Bragg has a different suggestion for those wishing to get a head start on their golden years:  “Why don’t you just go in there and steal what you need?”

Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee. 

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.

Family man reassured by news that the empty space inside his wallet is ‘transitory’

Concerned over the short-term occupancy of cash inside his wallet, Lester Bridges was reassured by news that his present circumstances are merely transitory.

“According to most of the experts, our family’s situation is temporary and has been for most of the past year, apparently,” said Bridges.  “Gotta say, I was pretty relieved to hear that.  The experts are closely monitoring the situation and soon I’m sure my billfold will runneth over.”  

Officials point out that the pandemic has caused a global supply chain backlog, which has temporarily resulted in higher prices.  Once the supply chain is back online, prices should return to normal levels.

“I sure do hope that’s the case,” said Bridges.  “Because, if it isn’t, I’ll soon have to explain to my daughter that the empty space inside her milk cup is the result of a long line of container ships parked in the Pacific Ocean.  I have a feeling even my elementary school-age daughter will see through that bullshit.” 

Nevertheless, Bridges knows there are many other pressing concerns facing the country and that leadership has its most capable people hard at work on solving the problems facing ordinary working Americans.

“I sure do hope Congress passes that student debt relief,” said Bridges.  “It’s heartbreaking to hear stories like AOC drowning in $17,000 in student loan debt.  After all, she’s trying to scrape by on a mere $174,000 a year. Then you have the spouse of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg taking a stand against the resumption of payments.”

According to Politico, Chasten Buttigieg received a notice that his student loan relief from the COVID-19 pandemic will expire on January 31, 2022 and that he’d soon have to resume making payments.  Buttigieg posted a screenshot of the notice on Instagram with the caption, “LOL no thank you Merry Christmas next.”

“Good for him.  Husband Pete has enough on his plate with the supply chain backlog.  You try making payments on two homes and a student loan on a paltry $220,000 a year,” said Bridges.