After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.
Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.” With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief. The oracle had spoken…again. Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.
Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant? As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods. “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far. We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.
The people rejoiced! Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank. And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”
Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation. However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note. “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering. The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance. Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay. That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking. Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant. Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party. Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”