Category: Mostly bullshit

Utah authorities want to speak to the aliens that erected monolith

Utah Department of Public Safety officials are asking anyone with information about the aliens that erected a large silver monolith in a remote part of the desert to please come forward.

“We’re asking anyone who may have seen a saucer shaped object in the area to please contact us. No tip is too insignificant. Maybe you noticed some special markings, perhaps you got a license plate. Whatever the case may be, if you saw an alien spacecraft or some weird looking space dudes acting suspicious, then we want to hear from you. Don’t think, well those probably weren’t the alien dudes they’re looking for. Let us decide that,” said a department spokesperson.

Whoever or whatever installed the monolith damaged the land by cutting into the rock in which it rests. Authorities are not disclosing the exact location of the monolith, fearing a curious public who may do further damage to the land, or possibly destroy Native American artifacts nearby.      

“A word of warning to the alien offenders, the area where the monolith was constructed is federal land and is protected by the Bureau of Land Management,” said the spokesperson. “I don’t care what planet or galaxy you’re from, you’ve violated the law of the United States of America, and you haven’t tasted justice until you’ve tasted American justice. A nice comfy cell in the federal pokey awaits you, and let me tell ya, them boys in the pen know how to take care of little green men.”

Facing irrelevance and unemployment, resistance media to pursue a “What if Trump had won?” project called Man on the High Escalator

Now that a Trump coup in January seems unlikely, some members of the media are scrambling to figure out what they’re going to do for the next four years.  Journalists and commentators at HuffPost, Buzzfeed, Vox and MSNBC face the very real threat of extinction now that they’ve defeated fascism with their panicked reporting and merciless tweeting. 

But what if they didn’t topple the dictator?  What if in some parallel reality Trump prevailed and the United States is still suffering under the capricious dictates of a ruthless authoritarian?  That’s the premise of a new television series being shopped around by a group of intrepid journos who are currently out of things to lose their shit over.

“Man on the High Escalator should allow us to continue cashing in on Trump hysteria for years to come,” said one reporter connected to the project.  “It’s pretty much going to be nap time at the White House for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, criticizing Biden will get your Twitter account locked, as we’ve seen with the New York Post.  So Man on the High Escalator gives us a creative outlet to continue to cultivate a high level of Trump induced anxiety.” 

The story will focus on a band of scrappy resistance journalists, forced by a repressive Trump regime to confine their words and reporting to widely viewed social media platforms, popular cable news television programs and freely available digital media websites.  Their stories will shine a light of truth on the Trump administration’s brutal authoritarian crackdown against any whiff of dissent, including the arrest of demonstrators who are often detained for hours and released without charges. 

Fighting fascism can be a lonely business.  Especially when your movement can rely only on the support of former Democratic establishment officials in exile, a number of the world’s largest and most powerful tech companies, and many current and former senior officials of the national security state.  Yet somehow these meagre few heroes of the underground take up the fight day after day and aim their Twitter fury at the heart of the tyrant. 

Look for Man on the High Escalator, coming soon to a streaming service near you.

Retailers add Looting Tuesday to list of holiday shopping days

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Small Business Saturday are just a few of the annual holiday shopping days Americans have come to know and love.  In the spirit of 2020, retailers have decided to add Looting Tuesday to the list of days when consumers can expect exceptional holiday savings.

For one night only this holiday season, some of the country’s largest retailers will make their locations available for looting and plundering.  “We wanted to do something fun this year.  2020 hasn’t been easy for anyone, so here’s a chance for everybody to blow off a little steam before the holidays,” said Buck Simmons, president of the American Retailers Association. 

Holiday consumers are expected to take advantage of a multitude of door-busting, window-smashing great deals.  An evening of epic plunder is anticipated by one and all.  Just remember, as with any promoted shopping day, be sure to get there early to get the steals and deals. 

“We want to keep the process as orderly as possible, so arrive early and reserve your place in line.  The looting is expected to commence at 10:00 pm and go until 1:00 am.  Shopping carts will not be available.  It’s all smash and carry.  Whatever you can haul off in an armload,” said Dan Reynolds, Director of Operations for Bunch of Stuff Stores.

If you pre-register on the store’s website, many participating locations are offering to email or text holiday looters security camera footage of their night of pillaging to commemorate this year’s Looting Tuesday experience.   

Buck Simmons offered one more word of advice for those who go, “Remember, everybody, be kind, be safe, and have a rootin’ tootin’ Lootin’ Tuesday.” 

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone.  No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru.  Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha.  At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos.  We’ve been seeing it all night.  Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes.  Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard.  Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board.  His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet.  I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine.  I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster.  He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Denmark approves mandatory mink mask rule

Responding to explosive growth in coronavirus cases among its mink population, Denmark today approved measures mandating masks for minks.  The measures come after the Danish government rejected a plan to cull the country’s entire mink population.

A disappointed Danish prime minister, Mette Frederiksen, reluctantly agreed to the new recommendations.  “Well, if we’re unable to march millions of minks to their death, then I guess masks are the next best thing.”

The controversial mink mask mandate is revealing deep divisions within the Danish population between those who support the mask mandate and those who would prefer a mink massacre.  In Copenhagen over the weekend, demonstrators carried signs and chanted, “hey, hey, ho, ho, those Covid coats have got to go.”  

Concerned Danish officials worry that a mink mask mandate immediately introduces a series of daunting challenges.  “We simply do not have the infrastructure in place to produce 15 million masks for minks,” said Frederiksen.  “We are currently in talks with China to produce the masks as quickly as possible, but we must remember, no has ever engineered a mink mask before.  We’re totally starting from scratch here.”  

Minks are also urged to maintain a two foot separation from one another.  The recommendations come after researchers discovered minks are incapable of projecting viral droplets more than two feet.   

Meanwhile in Sweden, there seems to be no indecision regarding what to do with its mink population.  “We’re just going to kill them,” said Benny Andersson, CEO of a Swedish animal rights group.  “Other than breeding stock, it’s killing season for minks anyway.  We look at it as hastening herd immunity.”

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”  

Illinois tourism offering quarantine getaway packages

The State of Illinois would like to make Chicago your quarantine destination.  Responding to a lagging tourist economy brought on by skyrocketing homicides and an out-of-control epidemic, officials at Illinois tourism are venturing way outside the box to come up with bold and innovative ways to promote the Second City.  

On Monday, officials unveiled “Come quarantine with us!” a glitzy new multi-million dollar campaign to attract visitors to the Windy City.  Offering 14-day getaway packages to some of Chicago’s finest hotels and resorts, the aggressive advertising attempts to lure quarantine tourism from surrounding states.    

“We want folks to think of Chicago as America’s premiere pandemic destination.  If you’ve accidentally come in contact with an infected individual, why not quarantine in luxury and style,” says Jake Winterbottom, a spokesperson for the Illinois Board of Tourism.  

“Our hotels offer the finest amenities,” the ads boast, “and with our new Windy City Video Tours you can explore Chicagoland from the comfort and safety of your 5-star hotel room.  Thank your lucky stars you stayed indoors as you watch lawless mobs of looters trash Chicago’s Magnificent Mile.  Dine on room service as you witness a real live carjacking.  We’re adding new video tours everyday, so don’t miss out!

“Are narcotics your thing?  Download Chicagoland’s own DrugHub app and experience a slice of Chicago style hospitality as the city’s finest gig workers keep you higher than the Sears Tower for the duration of your stay.” 

Chicago public health commissioner Alison Arwady endorsed the new campaign as a necessary step to improve an ailing economy while concurrently trying to protect Chicago’s ailing population.  Citing “a poorly contained outbreak” in Indiana, despite the Hoosier state showing significantly better per capita numbers than Illinois, the commissioner supports a plan that doesn’t make an already bad public health situation even worse.  “Clearly, with all the murders and sickness and what have you in our fair city, quarantine tourism makes the most sense to boost our economy while also protecting visitors from our abysmal public health record,” Arwady said.

CDC changes guidelines again, replaces elbow bumps with butt bumps

For the third time in less than a week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is having second thoughts about a prior recommendation.  On its website, the CDC is now promoting butt bumps to replace the awkward elbow bump the agency promoted early on in the pandemic.  The elbow bumps were instituted after the more commonly used fistbump was deemed too risky and a possible virus spreader.  

“This is deeply concerning,” said ex-FDA chief Scott Gottlieb, appearing on CNBC’s “Claptrap.”  “The CDC is at risk of losing whatever tiny bit of credibility they have left.”

The new guidelines come just days after the agency posted and then retracted erroneous information regarding airborne particles, and less than a week after it reversed course on controversial testing recommendations. 

“Elbow bumps, fist bumps, to bump or not to bump…just tell me what to bump and I’ll bump it,” said an exasperated Gottlieb.

The new guidelines first appeared on the CDC website Thursday along with specific instructions for performing the butt bump.

“The participants shall face in opposite directions as they allow their hips to slide laterally and collide with one another,” read the agency’s instructions.

Health experts speculate that the advantage of the butt bump comes from the participants never having to face one another, thereby eliminating almost entirely any possibility of particle transmission.   

A promotional video showing participants butt bumping to “The Hustle” by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony is also available for viewing on the CDC website.      

Violence interrupters deployed to Minneapolis streets

After divesting more than one million dollars from the city’s police budget to fund “violence interrupters” to intervene and defuse potentially violent confrontations, the Minneapolis City Council’s plan to provide a “holistic, public health-oriented approach” to public safety is nearly ready for primetime.

The deployment of holistic public health and safety healers is desperately needed as residents have seen the city’s crime rate soar recently.  Murders this year are already ahead of the total for 2019, so there is an urgent need to get a force out on the streets to interrupt the violence.   

“If we have these systems in place we are getting ahead of the violence,” said Minneapolis City Council member Phillipe Cunningham. “That’s why I have advocated so strongly for the violence interrupters, because if they are interrupting the violence before the guns are being fired, then the MPD doesn’t have to respond to that violence.”

Over the past month, a trial group of violence interrupters has been out on the streets of Minneapolis de-escalating conflict in some of the city’s toughest neighborhoods.  Wherever there is a dispute, and tensions are starting to rise, the violence interrupters swoop in and skillfully defuse the situation without resorting to the rough stuff.

In order to come across as non-threatening, the violence interrupters dress in sandals, khaki trousers, and casual button down shirts sporting the Minneapolis municipal logo.  Windbreakers and baseball caps emblazoned with “MVI Chillax” were scrapped after being deemed too federal agent looking.  

All violence interrupters utilize body cameras, which they prefer to call “harm reducers,” to ensure professional conduct and avoid misunderstandings.  A video released to the public recently shows a typical interaction where a violence interrupter de-escalates a potentially dangerous situation:              

“Uh, hold on a minute, young man, looks like you’re a bit hot under the collar.  You’ve got your heater there and you’re thinking about busting a cap.  I know, I can tell, I’ve been there myself.  Once, a fella tried to get fresh with my girl and I almost had to give him the business.  So let’s, you and me, talk this out man to man like, and get to the bottom of what’s upsetting you.”   

It isn’t long before the pair develop a meaningful dialogue and the troubled young man willingly hands over his firearm to the violence interrupter. 

Getting ahead of the violence and interrupting it is the name of the game.  But some worry the violence interrupters might make a situation already fraught with danger even worse.  

“Listen, we get it, nobody likes to be interrupted when they’re about to stick up a liquor store,” said one recruit.  

In some instances, violence interrupters have been hospitalized and treated for inadvertently using their face to interrupt a violent assault.  “I guess some find our constant interruptions a little annoying,” the recruit said. 

Members of Led Zeppelin to record a special 50th anniversary follow-up to “Going to California” called “Leaving California”

Remaining members of Led Zeppelin are reportedly hitting the studio this month to record a special 50th anniversary edition of their 1971 hit “Going to California.”

In an effort to keep the music fresh and timely, the new project will be titled “Leaving California” in honor of the mass exodus of the state’s residents in recent months.

“Fifty years ago, everybody was ‘Going to California’ and ‘California Dreaming,’” said a spokesperson for the band.  “Today it seems like the dream is over.  Californians have gone from knowing how to party and Californicating to fleeing in droves.  Anyway, the guys thought it made sense to go in the studio and see what that idealistic dreamer from 1971 is up to fifty years later.”  

Fifty years with a woman unwell

Spent my dough and dragged me through hell

Made up my mind to set myself free

Leaving California after hip replacement and a colonoscopy  

Someone told me there’s woman out there

With most of her teeth and curlers in her hair

Took my chances on a mobility scooter

It’s a low emission non-polluter

A homeless man poops on the sidewalk at dawn

A movie producer tells him get off my lawn 

People in the street start to riot and shake

Hippies load their buses for the Lone Star State 

Looks like a cop on patrol 

Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow

I think I should be going

The record is scheduled for a November 2021 release, and Covid willing, a tour to follow.