Gargantuan alien monolith appears in small midwestern city

Residents of a sleepy midwestern city awoke Saturday morning to discover a four-story stone monolith in their midst.  Officials are at a loss to explain when exactly the towering structure appeared and how it got there.

“Friday night there was nothing there but an empty lot.  This morning there appeared a new addition to the city skyline.  We have no idea who put it there or how it was constructed.  There is no heavy equipment or machinery in sight, and the ground surrounding it is undisturbed,” said the city’s mayor who requested he and his town remain anonymous, fearing an onslaught of visitors to the area.

Local police reported no sightings of unidentified aerial phenomenon in the area overnight, leaving officials at a loss to explain how the monolith came to be at that spot on the downtown landscape. 

“I’m thinkin’ it was built underground and pushed up to the surface in the middle of the night,” said one local resident.

An engineering professor at a local university had another theory.  “What we’re most likely looking at is the product of some advanced nanotechnology of which we are presently unfamiliar.  If indeed aliens built this monolith, they probably directed a tiny, undetectable probe to the area from which millions of nanobots emerged and fabricated the structure.  Who knows, it may have been erected in a manner of minutes.”

Researchers at the site have confirmed they believe the monolith to be hollow.  Although the structure contains no doors or windows, researchers have said they can detect activity inside.

“Undoubtedly they’re building something inside the monolith.  What they’re building is anybody’s guess.  Maybe a transformer or some space/time portal,” said the professor.  “Whatever it is, we should know their intentions soon enough.”         

Update:  Moments before this story was issued for publication, authorities confirmed the alien monolith is actually a cinder block elevator shaft and part of a larger terrestrial construction project.  Turns out nobody paid any attention to it until all this monolith business began.

Utah investigators believe aliens obtained monolith materials from local hardware

Investigators in Utah are interviewing employees of local hardware stores in an attempt to ascertain where a group of fugitive aliens purchased their monolith building materials.  The aliens are being sought in connection with the discovery of a large silver monolith in a remote and protected area of the Utah desert.

“The components of the monolith do not appear to be otherworldly, as far as we can tell.  The sheet metal and rivets bear similarities to what one might find at any hardware or building supply store.  That is why we need to speak with store employees to find out whether they encountered these alien interlopers,” said an investigator with the Utah Department of Public Safety.

Interviews with store clerks have generated few leads and nothing promising, so far.  Investigators are also looking into whether the aliens may closely resemble earthlings. 

“We are not excluding the possibility that building materials of their world are identical in nature to Earth’s, and that they could have brought their own.  However, due to the constraints of interstellar space travel, we think it’s likely they acquired their monolith materials here on earth.  We’re also looking into the possibility that they may have outsourced the fabrication of the monolith to somewhere in the United States or China, and simply took delivery of the object once they arrived in our world,” said the investigator.

A store clerk at a Home Depot not far from the monolith site acknowledged that he’d been interviewed by investigators.

“Yeah, they asked me if I noticed any suspicious activity at the store, like someone speaking an unfamiliar language or trying to pass some strange currency.  I told them I seen a dude who spot on resembled Ace Frehley of KISS.  I don’t know, that might be something,” said the clerk. 

Utah authorities want to speak to the aliens that erected monolith

Utah Department of Public Safety officials are asking anyone with information about the aliens that erected a large silver monolith in a remote part of the desert to please come forward.

“We’re asking anyone who may have seen a saucer shaped object in the area to please contact us. No tip is too insignificant. Maybe you noticed some special markings, perhaps you got a license plate. Whatever the case may be, if you saw an alien spacecraft or some weird looking space dudes acting suspicious, then we want to hear from you. Don’t think, well those probably weren’t the alien dudes they’re looking for. Let us decide that,” said a department spokesperson.

Whoever or whatever installed the monolith damaged the land by cutting into the rock in which it rests. Authorities are not disclosing the exact location of the monolith, fearing a curious public who may do further damage to the land, or possibly destroy Native American artifacts nearby.      

“A word of warning to the alien offenders, the area where the monolith was constructed is federal land and is protected by the Bureau of Land Management,” said the spokesperson. “I don’t care what planet or galaxy you’re from, you’ve violated the law of the United States of America, and you haven’t tasted justice until you’ve tasted American justice. A nice comfy cell in the federal pokey awaits you, and let me tell ya, them boys in the pen know how to take care of little green men.”

The calls are coming from inside the galaxy

Scientists in the United States and Canada are zeroing in on the source of some recently detected fast radio bursts emanating from outer space.  Until recently, all of these signals, which some have characterized as possible alien communications, were thought to have originated from indeterminate sources somewhere in the vast universe.  Now, however, scientists may have pinpointed the origin of at least some of the fast radio bursts, and the source is much closer than previously assumed.

“The calls are coming from inside the galaxy,” said Christopher Bochenek, a Caltech radio astronomer.  “We traced the bursts back to magnetars inside our galaxy.  Magnetars are basically powerful transmitters capable of projecting radio bursts millions of light years.  Fortunately, I was able to capture some of these transmissions with my homemade receiver.”

According to Bochenek, detecting radio bursts does not require pointing the latest high tech equipment at the stars.  “My antenna was constructed from a couple of my mom’s old cake pans, a busted tailpipe I found along the freeway, and some six pound test fishing line.”

Thus far, the communications have been a little unnerving.  “Initially, we’d get some radio bursts coming in, but as soon as I switched on my equipment, they’d hang up,” said Bochenek.  “Of course, it wasn’t long after that when the heavy breathing started.  Let me tell you something about alien heavy breathing, it’s pretty fucking weird.  Darth Vader’s huffing and puffing is tame by comparison.”  

Recently, sophisticated AI has been utilized to decipher the communications.  “We’ve had some success deploying AI to translate the fast radio bursts into human language.  The results have been somewhat unsettling.  For instance, one message translated, ‘We know what you did last millennia.’  But mostly we get requests like, ‘Can I speak to Harry Buttcrack or Ima Weiner.’  You’d like to think that we’re dealing with advanced alien intelligence here, but in all probability, we’re in communication with a being more similar to a human adolescent male,” said Bochenek.  “Still, I’ll keep pointing my cake pans at the sky until I find someone or something worth talking to.”         

Air Force to treat Storm Area 51 visitors to dazzling air show

If you’re one of the 1.3 million to RSVP the Storm Area 51 Facebook event planned for this September, the Air Force would like you to know they have some special surprises in store.  A first of its kind air show awaits all visitors who “access the area,” according to an Air Force spokesperson.

“The Air Force has planned a truly interactive experience for anyone trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces,” says Laura McAndrews, spokesperson for the United States Air Force.  “A dazzling array of military hardware will engulf the visitor with sound and fury, and members of our own armed forces will be on hand to make sure your visit to Area 51 is truly memorable.”

“Come, experience the thrill of being strafed by one of our supersonic fighter jets, or take a wild ride in a military transport vehicle.  Bring the whole family as you experience the ‘shock and awe’ of an Air Force fireworks display igniting the desert sky into a hellish mosaic of flickering light and flames.

“You’ll enjoy deluxe accommodations as we put you up in the same hotel where we keep our extra-terrestrial guests,” McAndrews continued.  “And no stay at Area 51 would be complete without a visit to our relaxing spa. Here you can enjoy an ‘out of this world’ massage, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself poked, prodded or anally probed.”

Reservations for the September 20th event are still available on Facebook.  Attendees will meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center where shuttle buses will provide transportation to the site.