Denmark approves mandatory mink mask rule

Responding to explosive growth in coronavirus cases among its mink population, Denmark today approved measures mandating masks for minks.  The measures come after the Danish government rejected a plan to cull the country’s entire mink population.

A disappointed Danish prime minister, Mette Frederiksen, reluctantly agreed to the new recommendations.  “Well, if we’re unable to march millions of minks to their death, then I guess masks are the next best thing.”

The controversial mink mask mandate is revealing deep divisions within the Danish population between those who support the mask mandate and those who would prefer a mink massacre.  In Copenhagen over the weekend, demonstrators carried signs and chanted, “hey, hey, ho, ho, those Covid coats have got to go.”  

Concerned Danish officials worry that a mink mask mandate immediately introduces a series of daunting challenges.  “We simply do not have the infrastructure in place to produce 15 million masks for minks,” said Frederiksen.  “We are currently in talks with China to produce the masks as quickly as possible, but we must remember, no has ever engineered a mink mask before.  We’re totally starting from scratch here.”  

Minks are also urged to maintain a two foot separation from one another.  The recommendations come after researchers discovered minks are incapable of projecting viral droplets more than two feet.   

Meanwhile in Sweden, there seems to be no indecision regarding what to do with its mink population.  “We’re just going to kill them,” said Benny Andersson, CEO of a Swedish animal rights group.  “Other than breeding stock, it’s killing season for minks anyway.  We look at it as hastening herd immunity.”

Trump contemplates hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island.  “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it,” said the president.

Administration sources reveal President Trump and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months.  “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating.  “We’re also looking at buying Denmark and Poland while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula.  We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money.  “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the fuck is the president even talking about?”