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New reality program “Missing Billions” to air on CNBC

A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC. Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.

“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars. The level of corruption and fraud is astounding. I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money. Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken.

Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters. Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.

“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine. Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole. We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.

Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits.

“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector. It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future. Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud. Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.

Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption. “All will be revealed,” Milken promises. “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”

Media, politicians and celebrities all agog over new SBF token Lucky Charms

Undeterred by his current circumstances, scambolic crypto wunderkind SBF wasted no time jumping back onto the crypto carousel promoting his latest crypto investing token Lucky Charms. Speaking from their polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome in the Bahamas, the former FTX gang made the announcement live on CNBC.

“We’ve got several different investment tokens to choose from, each representing ascending levels of risk and exposure. There’s Orange Stars, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers and, of course, Blue Diamonds,” SBF announced to much adoration and fanfare on CNBC’s CryptoBox. “We would encourage everyone to jump into the Blue Diamonds as soon as possible. There’s a limited supply and we expect the value to increase rapidly.”

In addition to promoting the virtues of generating wealth out of thin air, SBF continued to be mindful of the reason he got into this business in the first place. “Look, we’re always going to put our mission of elective altruism front and center in everything we do. I mean, I could elect to make you rich, or I could elect to make myself rich. So don’t just selfishly assume that I’m putting your interests front and center. Think about somebody else for a change, like me.”

Already, celebrities and politicians are lining up to secure a sweet slice of the crypto cake. Former President Bill Clinton took a break from billionaire island hopping to attend the penthouse announcement. “I think what these kids are doing is just wonderful. Hey, but watch out for that one over there. She’s a vicious little viper,” Clinton said, gesturing at Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison.

Apparently unaware of the live announcement taking place, a hopped up Klaus Schwabb was seen wandering around in a bathrobe in the background, “As you can see, this is truly a global initiative,” said SBF.

CDC changes guidelines again, replaces elbow bumps with butt bumps

For the third time in less than a week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is having second thoughts about a prior recommendation. On its website, the CDC is now promoting butt bumps to replace the awkward elbow bump the agency promoted early on in the pandemic. The elbow bumps were instituted after the more commonly used fistbump was deemed too risky and a possible virus spreader.

“This is deeply concerning,” said ex-FDA chief Scott Gottlieb, appearing on CNBC’s “Claptrap.” “The CDC is at risk of losing whatever tiny bit of credibility they have left.”

The new guidelines come just days after the agency posted and then retracted erroneous information regarding airborne particles, and less than a week after it reversed course on controversial testing recommendations.

“Elbow bumps, fist bumps, to bump or not to bump…just tell me what to bump and I’ll bump it,” said an exasperated Gottlieb.

The new guidelines first appeared on the CDC website Thursday along with specific instructions for performing the butt bump.

“The participants shall face in opposite directions as they allow their hips to slide laterally and collide with one another,” read the agency’s instructions.

Health experts speculate that the advantage of the butt bump comes from the participants never having to face one another, thereby eliminating almost entirely any possibility of particle transmission.

A promotional video showing participants butt bumping to “The Hustle” by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony is also available for viewing on the CDC website.