Fed up with White House attacks asserting snack food companies are shrinking the size of their products, executives and scientists for beloved American snack crisp manufacturer Funyuns are firing back.
Testifying before the House Judiciary Committee, Funyuns scientists outlined how the company has been able to actually increase both the volume and flavor of the tasty corn extruded snacks.
“Without going into too much detail that might jeopardize closely held company secrets, we’ve actually been able to increase the size of our onion flavored rings and produce a much bigger flavor at the same time,” Funyun Senior Developer Helmut Von Braun testified. “The same physics that causes our universe to expand goes into the development of each ring of Funyuns, resulting in massively inflated fun and inflated flavor.”
The testimony of Funyuns executives and scientists runs counter to claims made by President Biden in his Super Bowl and State of the Union addresses. A visibly agitated Rep. Dan Goldman of New York went on the offensive against the company’s claims.
“You expect this committee to believe that your team has engineered a snack food that defies the laws of shrinkflation,” Goldman attacked.
“Representative Goldman, the enduring mystery of a Funyun is that it is made up almost entirely of empty space, and yet it packs a whole universe of flavor in each tasty ring. As a matter of fact, if you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, you could fit it inside the bed of a pickup truck,” Von Braun testified.
“Mr. Chairman, this is sorcery. I move to strike the witness’s testimony,” Goldman seethed.
“Representative Goldman, in my left hand I’m holding a bag of Funyuns from 2005. In my right hand I have a bag from 2024. As you can see, the new bag is 30 percent larger than the old bag, and if you were to sample one of its tasty rings, you would find that the flavor is out of this world. It is not sorcery, Mr. Goldman, it is science. Trust the science,” Von Braun said.
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