With the closure of Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank last March, and the more recent collapse of First Republic Bank, investors are scrambling to find a safe place to store their wealth as the economic outlook continues to darken.
Some are looking to gold or bonds to weather the coming storm, but analysts urge investors not to overlook Funyuns. Funyuns has traditionally been a safe and reliable investment during tough times.
“Funyuns has outperformed all other investments and the market as a whole going back decades. Throughout the 2008 financial crisis, Funyuns’ stock performed like a champ, outpacing commodities and precious metals,” said Jordan Moneyheffer of Moneyheffer Investments.
For most analysts, Funyuns’ resilience during tough times makes sense. They cite the desire on the part of consumers to turn to comfort products and old familiar brands when the future is uncertain.
“Funyuns is well positioned to ride out the approaching headwinds. In recent years, they’ve made some strategic investments, including an exciting new extrusion process for shaping that delicious cornmeal into the fabulous shapes we’ve all grown to love. Additionally, they’ve made moves behind the scenes, acquiring domestic flavor production capacity to ensure that captivating flavor will be exclusive to Funyuns for decades to come,” Moneyheffer said.
Even cautious investors remain bullish on Funyuns.
“Listen, if you can’t get excited about Funyuns, then what kind of jaded, joyless prick are you anyway? A world where investors are bearish on Funyuns? Dude, I don’t even want to think about that,” Moneyheffer added.
The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.
Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.
Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee.
Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.
Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.
“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.
Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.
“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.
Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.