President Trump – If there is something

Trump steps in to mediate ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

Following the success of his Russia-Ukraine deal and repairing the rift between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, America’s unifier-in-chief, President Donald Trump, is now turning his attention to resolving the ongoing feud between veteran rockers Daryl Hall and John Oates. The popular musicians have been embroiled in a bitter legal dispute since November 2023.

As far as Daryl Hall is concerned, the rock duo’s personal and professional partnership is beyond repair. “That ship has gone to the bottom of the ocean,” Hall told a reporter for The Times.

However, the Hall & Oates differences have not yet been subjected to the extraordinary healing power of an intense Trump White House negotiating session.

“I’m confident we can get a deal,” the president said. “The world needs Hall & Oates together making their beautiful music. What’s that song of theirs, The Sound of Silence? That’s all we’re getting out of them these days – silence, and that’s a shame.”

“That’s Simon & Garfunkel, Mr. President.”

“Oh yes. Well they’re wonderful too. Maybe I’ll work on getting them back together as well. I mean Piano Man, In The Air Tonight – the world loves their music. For the sake of lasting peace in the world, we need them back together.”

However, a brief White House meeting with Oates in front of reporters appeared to take an ugly turn when the president excoriated Oates for not taking the deal.

“Oates, come on, take the deal on the table. What are you without Hall? I’m sorry but you’re being very disrespectful to me, Hall and everyone here today. I can tell you, years ago when I put this deal in front of John Ford Coley, he went running back to England Dan. Now get with it, Oates.”

Press reports Trump team on track for record number of “self-owns”

According to press reports, during its brief time in office, the Trump administration has already committed 511 “self-owns,” putting it on track to become the most “self-owning” administration since Woodrow Wilson. President Trump heads up the “self-own” list with Elon Musk and administration spokesperson Karoline Leavitt occupying the second and third spots

“With our democracy hanging in the balance, documenting “self-owns” is more crucial than ever,” said HuffPost senior self-own sleuth Ed Mazza. HuffPost has documented 327 “self-owns,” putting it well ahead of its closest media rivals on the “self-own” beat. “Hilarious self-owns” lead the list with “epic self-owns” running close behind.

Perhaps the most “epic” or “meta self-own” came when President Trump was asked about his propensity to “self-own” and he mistook the reporter to say “cell phone.”

“Of course I have a cell phone. What is this guy talking about? Fake news. Fake news,” the president remarked in what turned out to be a spectacular, reality-bending self-own.

In addition to “self-owns,” the media has issued a record number of “brutal reminders.” It appears the late night talk shows dominate the “brutal reminder” list, with Seth Myers pumping out scathing brutal reminders on almost a nightly basis.

Trump floats hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island. “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it. We could buy the struggling island, spruce it up a little and flip it for a tidy little profit,” President Trump said.

Sources close to Trump say he and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months. “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating. “We’re also looking at buying Mexico and Canada while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula. We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money. “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the hell is the president elect even talking about?”

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds. Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them. To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous. “This was like our Bay of Pigs. We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow. We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill. However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas. “Most don’t stick with the program at first. They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just. But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon. “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

White House clarifies: Trump to impose marital, not martial law

White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office. Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.

“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath. POTUS is not declaring martial law. With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets. He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage. That’s it, folks, marital law. See, you just had a couple of letters turned around. No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.

Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.

Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful. The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this. Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief. It was really kind of sickening. Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore. Nothing to see here, folks. Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration. I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson. C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”

Despite expert warnings, Trump continues to promote viral vacuuming

For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method. The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works.

“All I’m saying is give it a try. What do we have to lose? We’ve got some very good people working on this. Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.

Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.

“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department. “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls. People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“

“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”

At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice. “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life. Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.

Trump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy

Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President.

“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field. His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary. Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.

The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.

“The fake news can kiss my ass. I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland. While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases. You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.

Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years.

“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits. Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’ President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.

In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.

“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas. Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread. We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced.

The Big Lewandowski

Citing absolute immunity, President Trump held back former aides Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn from testifying in front of the House Judiciary Committee on Tuesday. As legal scholars have noted, no person or spiritual entity in heaven or on earth can compel congressional testimony from a witness granted absolute immunity by the President.

The White House did, however, permit former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to mix it up with Jerry Nadler and friends. A combative Lewandowski came out swinging, telling the committee that he would refuse to answer questions about his conversations with President Trump.

Committee members soon became frustrated over the witness’s unwillingness to cooperate.

“Lewandowski, you are like a fish being cleaned with a spoon – very hard to get a clean answer from you,” charged Rep. Hank Johnson.

Anyone who has ever tried to clean a fish knows it’s impossible to get a straight answer out of one. Sensing he’d been pinned to the cutting board, Lewandowski launched into another evasive tactic.

“Let me explain something to you, I am not Lewandowski, I’m The Lewd. So that’s what you call me, you know, that or His Lewdness or El Lewderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

At one point during the hearing, to avoid direct answers to member’s questions, Lewandowski began reading directly from the Mueller report.

“You are not going to stonewall me and my questions,” said Rep. David Cicilline, growing visibly irritated. “Now, Lewandowski, if you don’t mind…”

“I do mind. The Lewd minds,” Lewandowski snapped back. “This will not stand, you know. This aggression will not stand, man.”

Later on Twitter, President Trump called Lewandowski’s performance “beautiful.” Also, he tweeted video highlights of the testimony under the caption, “The bums won.”