Mostly bullshit – Page 9 – If there is something

Spotify inks $100 deal for exclusive rights to 270 Doctors Podcast

Champagne glasses were clinking this morning after executives at Spotify announced they’d reached an agreement following days of intense negotiations with the 270 doctors. The deal covers six months and will reportedly pay the 270 doctors $100 for exclusive rights to stream their podcast.

Spotify had come under intense pressure in recent days after 270 doctors issued an open letter criticizing the streaming service for allowing the Joe Rogan podcast to spread “dangerous” Covid misinformation. Hoping to avoid a public relations nightmare, Spotify entered into negotiations with the doctors and eventually agreed to give them their own show. The show will focus primarily on combating Covid misinformation but may also occasionally weigh in on some of the false messaging surrounding Mixed Martial Arts.

The 270 doctors, who it is universally acknowledged on Twitter and in the mainstream media represent the entire medical establishment, reads like a who’s who of public health heavy hitters. They are doctors, scientists, veterinarians, psychologists and medical students raising their collective voices to put an end to the escalating Covid “infodemic.” However, promotion by the mainstream press, cable news and social media platforms is no match for taking on the powerful Joe Rogan machine. The doctors hope their new podcast will once and for all put an end to the lies, so the American people can get back on the same page, guided exclusively by the thoughtful, uniformed, non contradictory messaging of the nation’s public health apparatus.

The deal also extended a .1 percent cut of the revenue generated from the avalanche of downloads of Spotify and the Joe Rogan podcast resulting from the 270 doctors letter controversy.

Asked for comment, Rogan seemed a little shaken by news of the new show, as if the 270 Doctors Podcast represented a potential threat to his empire of lies and falsehoods. “Good for them. I hope they’ll have me on their show. We can hang out and smoke a big J.”

Researchers discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock. Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery. In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute. “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick. Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on. We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock. I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.”

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay. “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics. We had no idea what would happen. Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock. “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance. Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”

White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday. Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden. “White House, I can’t hold her! She’s breaking up! She’s breaking up!” With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend. Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package. Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair. Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate. Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy.

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived. After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive. Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We can build it back better than it was. Better…stronger…faster. It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Bill Gates expects his predictions to achieve 100% unreliability in the coming months

After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.

Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.” With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief. The oracle had spoken…again. Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.

Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant? As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods. “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far. We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.

The people rejoiced! Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank. And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”

Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation. However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note. “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering. The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance. Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay. That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking. Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant. Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party. Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”

Retailers offering smash and carry holiday savings

This year’s holiday shopping season has seen a number of new door-busting additions to popular Christmas shopping themed days like Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Increasing numbers of consumers are avoiding the long checkout lines that waste their time and cut into their bottom line, opting instead for the smash and grab approach.

In response, retailers like CVS and Target have added Looting Tuesday to the list of days when shoppers can expect exceptional holiday savings. Looting Tuesday events are planned at locations across the country. For those who pre-register, some retailers are offering to commemorate your Looting Tuesday experience by capturing it on security video and sharing it for free.

Five Finger Friday events are breaking out spontaneously at Home Depot and Best Buy locations around the country. If you are considering taking part in a flash mob shopping event, retailers like Best Buy are asking that you pause your plundering for a moment and consider signing up for their extended warranty plan before tearing off into the night with your new laptop.

Smash and Dash Saturdays are gaining in popularity in some of the nation’s more high-end shopping districts. Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Saks are all prepping for a weekend of holiday mayhem. The merchandise is free, but if you need gift wrapping, it may cost extra.

Mr. Kang pushes boundaries of all-you-can-eat buffet dining

A Chinese food influencer and live-streamer finds himself at the center of controversy today over whether limits can be placed on the amount of food one can consume at all-you-can-eat establishments.

Known simply as Mr. Kang, the livestreamer complained on Hunan TV of discrimination after being kicked out of the Handadi Seafood BBQ Buffet for eating too much. “I can eat a lot – is that a fault?” Kang asked.

Apparently the owner of the restaurant thinks so. “Every time he comes here, I lose a few hundred yuan,” he said. “Even when he drinks soy milk, he can drink 20 or 30 bottles. When he eats the pork trotters, he consumes the whole tray of them. And for prawns, usually people use tongs to pick them up, he uses a tray to take them all.”

The issue has sparked fierce debate over whether limits can be placed on buffet dining or whether the freedom to eat is universal and should not be infringed upon. Freedom to eat absolutists argue it is the dining right that makes all the others possible.

“Where does it end? You start with all-you-can-eat is not really all-you-can-eat. Next you’re limiting free refills on soft drinks. Then fortune cookies are extra. Do we really want to go down that slippery slope?” asks popular YouTube food scholar, Professor Waffles.

Others feel strict limitations should be placed on eating influencers and live-streamers, even suggesting outright bans on all-you-can-eat buffets.

For now, Mr. Kang will have to explore new frontiers in buffet dining elsewhere as he and all other live-streamers have been blacklisted from the establishment.

Mass cancellations after university launches Two Girls For Every Boy marketing campaign

Officials at Northern Tech University are reeling today following the mass cancellation of over 200 of its faculty and staff. At issue is the university’s new marketing campaign which seeks to attract more male students to the campus by boasting Two Girls For Every Boy. Officials seem to have underestimated the amount of offense generated by the slogan and are now facing a merciless backlash. Across the campus Tuesday, emotional apologies were issued and resignations were flying as university officials sought to minimize the damage.

“Look, we’ve got a big problem here,” said university president Miles Stanley. “We’ve basically got two chicks for every dude. Now how is a female student who enrolls at our school supposed to find someone who’ll support her through life if we got too few potential breadwinners on campus? I’m mean, you can see the problem here, right?”

Posters portraying young men carrying books and escorting pairs of buxom young women to class were torn down and burned outside the Student Union. Brochures guaranteeing parents their socially awkward son “is sure to meet the girl of his dreams or your money back” were also thrown into the fire.

Officials launched the campaign to combat a growing trend at Northern Tech and nationwide where fewer young males are enrolling in college while female enrollment continues to rise. Nationally, the breakdown of females to males at colleges and universities is 60 percent to 40 percent. However, at Northern Tech the difference is even more extreme with 66 percent female enrollment to just 34 percent male.

“You know, people don’t think about the hidden costs of running a university so heavily skewed toward the fairer sex. For instance, vehicular mishaps are up 27 percent,” said Stanley. “Also, we anticipate having to acquire additional kitchen and sewing equipment for our Home Economics Department.”

Across campus, protests have broken out regarding the university’s founder Simpson Wetherby, who at the school’s founding denied enrollment to women. The father of five daughters and no sons, Wetherby established the college in 1829 as a means of cultivating suitable young men to marry his daughters and to whom he could bequeath his vast fortune.

Caving to student pressure, university officials announced Tuesday that the “Surf City” themed homecoming event would be canceled and replaced by a tribute to Helen Reddy. However the action prompted a new round of protests and cancellations after non-gender specific and gender fluid students objected to the implication in Reddy’s 1971 hit “I Am Woman” that only women could be strong and invincible.

Olympic Facebook ads capture the thrill of Facebooking

If you’ve tuned in to the Olympics in recent days, you’ve probably noticed those inspiring commercials of Facebookers performing daring feats of Facebooking. The thrilling images of Facebookers tirelessly honing their craft have sent untold numbers of viewers flocking to the social media site to discover how they might become a part of this movement spanning the globe.

“Well, when you see what some of these elite level Facebookers are capable of, you’re just like, ‘Wow! How do they do that?’” said Jim McKay, Director of Television Advertising for the company. “We’re out to capture that TV viewing couch potato who’s been too lazy to try out our platform, and we think wowing them with a bit of the old razzle-dazzle is the way to get them to come onboard.”

Indeed, the Facebookers featured in these ads make it look effortless, but often years of hard work and tireless striving for perfection have gone into achieving that level of excellence.

“Most people don’t realize these Facebookers fail more often than they succeed. But when they do finally get it right, it’s like poetry or beautiful music. That’s what a Facebook legend looks like,” said McKay. “It’s the thrill of likes and shares and the agony of getting dogpiled. It all comes through in these commercials, and we think it’s a sure bet to lure people away from the boob-tube, out of the sweaty gyms and bug infested parks and into Facebooking where the world belongs.”

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees. As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering. It’s flying all by itself. It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans. If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space.

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers.

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.

“Fuck you Branson! Fuck you Elon Musk! One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared.