Local man’s Summer of Rock dealt crushing blow

A local man is reeling today after discovering that several acts on his Summer of Rock itinerary have unexpectedly canceled their shows.

After kicking things off with a GBV show in May, Bill Stevens was all set to continue riding a tasty wave of nineties era rock into June with Helmet and Meat Puppets shows on his schedule.  However, after discovering Thursday morning that both bands had canceled their June dates with no advanced warning, Stevens was left scrambling to fill holes in his 2022 Summer of Rock calendar.  

“This really puts me in a bind,” said Stevens.  “The perfect rock and roll summer was just beginning to round into form.  Right now, I don’t know if I can recover from this.  I made a few calls, trying to see if the bands would reconsider.  But I guess one man’s dream of a perfect rock summer doesn’t amount to a hill of beans in this world anymore.”

As of Thursday afternoon, Stevens had managed to pencil in a date with The Breeders for August, and he still has tentative plans for two dates of alt rock bliss in July, but salvaging June at this late date is going to be challenging.

“I’m looking into pursuing legal action,” Stevens said.  “I mean, I passed up Built to Spill because I thought I was going to be able to see these other bands and now they flake out on me.  It’s going to be difficult to find something last minute.  I think some compensation is in order for damaging what was otherwise going to be a totally righteous Summer of Rock.”

Researchers discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock.  Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.  

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery.  In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.  

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute.  “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick.  Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on.  We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock.  I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.” 

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay.  “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics.  We had no idea what would happen.  Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”  

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock.  “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance.  Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”