Long Beach officials announce plans for new offshore outlet mall

Officials in Long Beach, California today announced plans for an ambitious new offshore outlet shopping mall.  Developers and city officials hope the project, tentatively titled Bargain Barge Offshore Outlet, will serve a dual purpose.  First they plan to take advantage of all the sparsely utilized and underdeveloped aquatic space sitting offshore.  Second, they hope to alleviate the growing backlog of cargo ships waiting to dock at Long Beach ports.    

“Never before in history has anything like this been attempted – a floating outlet mall.  Shoppers will be able to board a barge, retailers will fling open the container doors and patrons will have access to all the latest products and styles at wholesale prices,” said Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia.  

Developers see the project as a means of delivering the absolute rock bottom lowest prices to the consumer. 

“We’ve quite literally cut out the middle men,” said project developer Rod Michael.  “No shipping companies or Amazon distribution taking their usual cut.  This product is direct from the manufacturer.  We’re calling it ‘China Fresh.’” 

Naturally, dock workers, distributors and some retailers are not pleased with the announcement.  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has already threatened to deploy his flying phallic rocket ship to torpedo any barge that opens its doors to the general public.  

Developers and city officials hope to break seawater on the project in the coming months with shopping to commence in time for Christmas. 

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees.  As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering.  It’s flying all by itself.  It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans.  If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space. 

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers. 

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.  

“Fuck you Branson!  Fuck you Elon Musk!  One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared.