Officials at Northern Tech University are reeling today following the mass cancellation of over 200 of its faculty and staff. At issue is the university’s new marketing campaign which seeks to attract more male students to the campus by boasting Two Girls For Every Boy. Officials seem to have underestimated the amount of offense generated by the slogan and are now facing a merciless backlash. Across the campus Tuesday, emotional apologies were issued and resignations were flying as university officials sought to minimize the damage.
“Look, we’ve got a big problem here,” said university president Miles Stanley. “We’ve basically got two chicks for every dude. Now how is a female student who enrolls at our school supposed to find someone who’ll support her through life if we got too few potential breadwinners on campus? I’m mean, you can see the problem here, right?”
Posters portraying young men carrying books and escorting pairs of buxom young women to class were torn down and burned outside the Student Union. Brochures guaranteeing parents their socially awkward son “is sure to meet the girl of his dreams or your money back” were also thrown into the fire.
Officials launched the campaign to combat a growing trend at Northern Tech and nationwide where fewer young males are enrolling in college while female enrollment continues to rise. Nationally, the breakdown of females to males at colleges and universities is 60 percent to 40 percent. However, at Northern Tech the difference is even more extreme with 66 percent female enrollment to just 34 percent male.
“You know, people don’t think about the hidden costs of running a university so heavily skewed toward the fairer sex. For instance, vehicular mishaps are up 27 percent,” said Stanley. “Also, we anticipate having to acquire additional kitchen and sewing equipment for our Home Economics Department.”
Across campus, protests have broken out regarding the university’s founder Simpson Wetherby, who at the school’s founding denied enrollment to women. The father of five daughters and no sons, Wetherby established the college in 1829 as a means of cultivating suitable young men to marry his daughters and to whom he could bequeath his vast fortune.
Caving to student pressure, university officials announced Tuesday that the “Surf City” themed homecoming event would be canceled and replaced by a tribute to Helen Reddy. However the action prompted a new round of protests and cancellations after non-gender specific and gender fluid students objected to the implication in Reddy’s 1971 hit “I Am Woman” that only women could be strong and invincible.