500 health experts sign letter urging public to eat more doughnuts

“A doughnut a day keeps the doctor away,” or at least that’s what hundreds of members of the American Public Health Association are saying in a letter aimed at preventing their colleague Dr. Leana Wen from speaking at their annual meeting.  The health officials level a number of charges at Dr. Wen, but perhaps none so serious as being fatphobic, obeseaverse and chubby opposed.  

The accusations refer to a tweet Wen wrote in March of 2021 thanking Krispy Kreme for promoting Covid vaccination, but questioning the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  Apparently, as transgressions go, doughnut shaming ranks right alongside not being enough of an anti-racist or anti-eugenicst, two other baseless charges leveled against Wen.  

To reinforce their criticisms of Wen, the health experts went on to make a number of startling claims regarding the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  They claim that doughnut binging provides a comforting refuge from the harmful statements made by the likes of Wen and other hurtful word weaponizers like Joe Rogan.  Also, a glazed yeast doughnut stuffed inside a properly fitted N-95 mask can provide additional protection against the BA.5 variant.  

The signers of the letter are urging Wen to stay away from the conference and to use the time to undergo doughnut sensitivity training and to educate herself regarding the untold health benefits of daily doughnut consumption.  “We’re recommending Dr. Wen do the work at obtaining a more “holistic” understanding of the rich, flaky and frosted benefits to be gained from a proper relationship to eating a doughnut everyday,” read the statement.

DHS: Rogan coordinating with trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl halftime show

The Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange Friday after receiving alarming intelligence indicating that controversial Spotify podcaster Joe Rogan may be directing a trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl activities.

A DHS memo circulated to law enforcement nationwide states that the agency “has received reports that a convoy of truckers is planning to potentially blockade Super Bowl festivities and may even be planning to bum rush the beloved Super Bowl halftime show.”

It is unclear how DHS acquired its intelligence; however, sources inside the FBI say they have several highly placed informants inside the trucker movement and are working closely with its leadership and monitoring its plans.

The DHS says that “the group intends to start in California as early as mid-February and travel to Washington, D.C., as late as mid-March, reportedly gathering truckers as they travel across the country.”

Informants inside the trucker movement tell DHS officials that leadership is taking its direction from embattled comedian and former reality tv host turned disinfo podcaster Joe Rogan.  DHS officials believe the truckers are picking up coded instructions as they listen to Rogan’s almost daily three hour broadcasts. 

DHS further noted the truckers intend to storm the field during the Super Bowl halftime show, bringing the entertainment to a halt and disrupting commerce by preventing the airing of America’s beloved Super Bowl commercials.

In a statement released Friday, Kanye West threatened not to perform if Super Bowl planners do not denounce the trucker convoys and remove them from the halftime activities.  “They can have Kanye or the Convoy.  Not both,” the statement read. 

Ageing rock stars suffering under Covid rockdown restrictions

Rockdown restrictions appear to be taking their toll on some of our most beloved ageing rock stars.  Most recently, a cantankerous Neil Young insisted Spotify remove his catalog from its service saying he won’t share the platform with the likes of Joe Rogan.  In a letter to his management team, Young wrote:  “I want you to let Spotify know immediately TODAY that I want all my music off their platform. They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.”

In the letter, the “Rockin’ in the Free World” composer reveals the source of his displeasure with the popular streaming service.  “I am doing this because Spotify is spreading fake information about vaccines – potentially causing death to those who believe the disinformation being spread by them. Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule.”

Some say Mr. Young’s frustration with Spotify has even spilled over into his music.  According to fans at a recent event, Young took aim at the streaming giant when he altered some of his lyrics to sing, “We need a kinder, gentler speech ban hand.”  

Then there is Eric Clapton, for whom it all came into focus, when he first discovered mass formation hypnosis.   “I didn’t get the memo, whatever the memo was, it hadn’t reached me. Then I started to realize there was really a memo… It’s great, you know, the theory of mass hypnosis formation. And I could see it then. Once I started to look for it, I saw it everywhere.” 

Not you, Slowhand and Shaky.  Gentlemen, the politics of this shit is poison.  It’ll destroy your brain.  Please, do something constructive.  Snort a few lines of blow, pick up your guitars and get back about the business of rock and roll.  “She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie…”

Spotify inks $100 deal for exclusive rights to 270 Doctors Podcast

Champagne glasses were clinking this morning after executives at Spotify announced they’d reached an agreement following days of intense negotiations with the 270 doctors.  The deal covers six months and will reportedly pay the 270 doctors $100 for exclusive rights to stream their podcast.

Spotify had come under intense pressure in recent days after 270 doctors issued an open letter criticizing the streaming service for allowing the Joe Rogan podcast to spread “dangerous” Covid misinformation.  Hoping to avoid a public relations nightmare, Spotify entered into negotiations with the doctors and eventually agreed to give them their own show.  The show will focus primarily on combating Covid misinformation but may also occasionally weigh in on some of the false messaging surrounding Mixed Martial Arts.   

The 270 doctors, who it is universally acknowledged on Twitter and in the mainstream media represent the entire medical establishment, reads like a who’s who of public health heavy hitters.  They are doctors, scientists, veterinarians, psychologists and medical students raising their collective voices to put an end to the escalating Covid “infodemic.”  However, promotion by the mainstream press, cable news and social media platforms is no match for taking on the powerful Joe Rogan machine.  The doctors hope their new podcast will once and for all put an end to the lies, so the American people can get back on the same page, guided exclusively by the thoughtful, uniformed, non contradictory messaging of the nation’s public health apparatus.

The deal also extended a .1 percent cut of the revenue generated from the avalanche of downloads of Spotify and the Joe Rogan podcast resulting from the 270 doctors letter controversy.

Asked for comment, Rogan seemed a little shaken by news of the new show, as if the 270 Doctors Podcast represented a potential threat to his empire of lies and falsehoods.  “Good for them.  I hope they’ll have me on their show.  We can hang out and smoke a big J.” 

The grooming of a New York Times radical

On the surface, rural West Virginia seems like an odd place to find a young male conservative.  After all, only 68.7% of residents of the Mountain State went for Donald Trump in the 2016 election.  By contrast, a robust 26.5% of voters went for Hillary Clinton. Apparently the allure of Clinton’s promise to put a lot of coal miners out of a job wasn’t strong enough to pull an impressionable young man, recently dropped out of college, into her sphere of support.  

So perhaps in some strange universe, it makes sense that the young man, let’s call him Caleb, would find himself on right-wing YouTube viewing clips by conservative comedian Steven Crowder and right-wing Canadian activist Lauren Southern.  As crazy as it sounds, the work of Rachel Maddow or Lawrence O’Donnell somehow failed to prevent this coal country Peter Cottontail from hopping down a right-wing bunny hole. But for how long?

Initially, Caleb resisted the pull of the left by immersing himself in the work of YouTube personalities like Stefan Molyneux, a Canadian talk show host, and Paul Joseph Watson, a right-wing conspiracy theorist.  For a time, their message seemed to be a natural fit for the disillusioned young man. But then along came a new spider, emerging from a group that called itself the Intellectual Dark Web. “I started watching Joe Rogan,” says Caleb, “these IDW cats had me all mixed up.  They were academics, journalists, scientists, philosophers, psychologists and business leaders. Some were on the right, some were on the left, and some crazy motherfuckers said they were non-ideological. Yeah right, I thought.”

Although Caleb didn’t know it at the time, it was this group of sinister minds that would serve as a catalyst for introducing the young man to a world of left-wing intersectional politics.  A cursory glance at Caleb’s YouTube viewing habits over three years clearly shows an initial strong preference for conservative content, followed by a modest sampling of IDW videos, finally shifting into more left-wing identitarian content.  Like boiling a lobster, YouTube had by degrees fully indoctrinated the mild-mannered mountaineer into a rabid progressive, gradually immersing Caleb in a left-wing Marxist maelstrom from which he would never emerge.

By June of 2019 the transformation was nearly complete.  Sensing an opportunity to lock down a convert to their side, the New York Times soon came a calling.  “After the NYT interview, I was fully on board with the far-left agenda,” says Caleb. “You could say I got gray pilled by the Gray Lady herself.  I mean, Charles Blow was blowing my mind. Then I learned from Rachel Maddow and others the truth of how Trump had conspired with the Russians to swing the election in his favor.  Also, I had no idea that Stacey Abrams was the actual Governor of Georgia because her election had been rigged. I never realized the left had its own menu of conspiracies. I had been asleep for so long, but now I was woke.”

Regrets, Caleb has a few, but overall he’s grateful that a group of elite journalists from New York City took pity on a poor old country boy and rescued him from his right-wing YouTube addiction.  “Now all they have to do is radicalize another 150,000 just like me.”