Alex Acosta takes ‘poor judgement’ victory lap over handling of Epstein prosecution

Former Labor Secretary and Florida federal prosecutor, Alex Acosta, released a statement today celebrating a Justice Department Office of Professional Responsibility report detailing his ‘poor judgement’ in the handling of the investigation into child sex abuser Jeffrey Epstein.

In the statement, Acosta claimed vindication by the report’s findings because it failed to conclude that he committed professional misconduct. 

“‘Poor judgement.’  Are there two sweeter sounding words in the English language?” Acosta crowed.  “I welcome their application to me on my handling of this case.  This is a victory for all prosecutors who have ever intervened on behalf of a wealthy and influential perpetrator and secured for them the deal of a lifetime.  From this day forward, let ‘poor judgement’ guide our efforts as we seek to subvert justice on behalf of the rich and powerful.” 

Acosta delivered a scathing rebuke of fellow prosecutors who tried to broaden the investigation and root out additional criminality. 

“‘Willful blindness’ can also be a very effective tool when piecing together a ‘poor judgement’ prosecution.  Ignore the advice of subordinates (I’m looking at you Villafana) who might try to improve your understanding and thereby influence your judgement in a positive way.”

Facing a mountain of criticism from defense attorneys, journalists and the public, Acosta attempted, once and for all, to put the conspiracy speculation to rest.

“To all the critics and conspiracy theorists out there, let’s get one thing straight.  History is replete with men who are called upon to deliver head-scratching incompetence at just the right moment to ensure that other powerful men avoid justice.  That doesn’t mean that a bunch of lawyers conspired to cut a rich guy a sweetheart deal.  It just means that the job required a special kind of pathetic ignoramus with impeccable timing to exercise ‘poor judgement’ in service of supremely important and well-connected individuals.  And if you happen to advance your career and wind up with a coveted presidential cabinet position in spite of your irresponsible stupidity, well that just means somebody saw something special in you.” 

Jeffrey Epstein cause of death changed to ‘suicide by hitman’

Results of an autopsy conducted over the weekend reveal Jeffrey Epstein most likely committed suicide, he just used someone else’s hands to do it.  According to unnamed sources familiar with the autopsy results, Epstein suffered broken bones among which was the hyoid bone. Breakage of the hyoid bone is most commonly associated with death by strangulation, but in older men can break during a hanging.

“Right now, we’re working under the theory that Epstein hanged himself,” revealed an unnamed source close to the investigation.  “However, due to the lack of available materials in Epstein’s cell suitable for conducting a hanging, we’re revising our theory to say that instead of a rope or a belt, Epstein probably fashioned someone else’s hands into a noose before hanging himself.”

Officials are hopeful this new information will put to rest speculation that Epstein was murdered by wealthy and powerful individuals in order to prevent the billionaire pedophile from implicating them in his criminal activity.

“All this talk of conspiracy is a little far out there.  The reality is that it’s not unusual for these rich guys, who are not used to doing their own dirty work, to hire someone else to ‘suicide’ them.  Happens all the time,” added the unnamed source. “With Epstein’s wealth, influence and depraved sicko reputation, he would have had little difficulty finding someone to do his suicide for him.”