Investigators examine fresh prints on the side of Chris Rock’s face

It appears Will Smith’s right cross has lost much of the sting it possessed back in the days of shooting Ali. Still, investigators are examining the fresh prints left on the side of Chris Rock’s face in case the comedian should decide to file charges against the Oscar winner Smith.

Although, at least for now, Rock has declined to press charges, it was agreed by all parties involved that Smith, for a period of at least six months, should go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.  

After the slapping incident, Smith forcefully demanded that Rock keep Smith’s wife’s name out of the comedian’s mouth.  Behind the scenes, however, Smith’s publicist was clear that the incident should in no way inhibit any public discussion of the Smith couple’s open marriage.

In addition to not pressing charges, Rock promised not to sue the exceedingly wealthy movie star and recording artist, but he made clear that he retains the right to exploit the incident for comedic purposes and shall maintain exclusive control over all revenue generated from “the slap.”

“Oh, I’m going to make a fortune off this bitch,” Rock said.

Celebrities of the world unite!

For 364 days a year, the men and women of the Hollywood dream factory toil in isolation and obscurity, producing high quality entertainment and wholesome family fun.  However, for one night only in February, the stars come out to shine at the Oscars, and humbly bask in some long-overdue and well-deserved public adulation. After all, it’s been nearly a month since they gathered and bestowed globes of gold on one another.  So, once again as in years past, the actors, writers, directors, and craftsmen of Hollywood gather to cash in their artistic brilliance for a coveted gold phallic statue.     

Most Hollywood celebs would just as soon shun the limelight, stay at home and polish their craft, or do laundry and darn socks for the homeless.  But the demands of entertainment studios and corporate executives prompt them to don their finery, and for a few short hours permit the rest of us to see them, honor and praise them for their extraordinary contributions to art and culture.

As always, we marvel at their sacrifice and courage.  Acutely aware of how committed many celebrities are to the environment, it was heartening to see so many roll up to the red carpet on  bicycles. Tangled hair and perspiration stains are but a small price to pay when the fate of humanity is at stake. Additionally, the glitterati looked so uncomfortable adorned in their precious metals and gems.  You could tell they would rather have been toiling in sweatshops alongside the meek and downtrodden, rather than withstanding the blinding glare of a thousand camera flashes. Most remarkable of all, though, as if out of a Frank Capra movie, humble movie stars quietly, but firmly, raised their voices in protest against the orange man they once palled around with and promoted as one of their own, but who now forces them to live in his slums.     

This year’s Academy Awards was truly an inspiring spectacle.  Celebrities of the world united, sharing a common humanity with all those ordinary souls sitting out there in the dark.  After the ceremony, most of the nominees skipped the fancy parties and balls and donated their complimentary $200,000 swag bags to the less fortunate.  Soon, many of LA’s inner city youths will enjoy the experience of a $78,000, 12-day vacation on a luxury yacht. Hurray for Hollywood!