G7 leaders gather to record rousing rendition of All You Need Is Doom

Leaders of the Group of Seven Industrialized nations have been cranking out hit after hit since coming together in Brussels this week.  On Thursday, they signaled their unity by assembling for a photo-op and spontaneously bursting into an impromptu performance of their international smash hit All You Need Is Doom.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was the first to seize the microphone and issue a stern warning to humanity: 

“There’s nothing you can say that can’t be unsaid,

Nothing you can spend that can’t be unspent,

Listen to us and you can learn how to be you in time,

It’s easy.”

Addressing a group of reporters at a news conference in Brussels, Biden delivered a stirring address to the people of all nations:  “It’s going to be real.  The price of the sanctions is not just imposed upon Russia. It’s imposed upon an awful lot of countries as well, including European countries and our country as well.”

Glimpsing the sacrifice world leaders were willing to make, the people of the world at once sensed their duty to all go hungry together.  Then Biden kicked a hole in the speaker, grabbed the mic and sang:

“No one you can lead that can’t be unled,

No one you can feed that can’t be unfed,

Nothing you can do but you can play the game by the rules,

It’s easy.”

Then the rest of the Group of Seven joined Biden for the chorus, singing, “All you need is doom,” as they closed out the meeting.

Mischief threat level raised in Canada as convoy organizer released on bail

Canadians are on high alert today in expectation that outbreaks of mischief could randomly occur anywhere at any moment now that Canadian trucker convoy organizer, Tamara Lich, has been awarded bail.  

Officially charged with “counseling to commit mischief,” Lich has been held for several weeks without bail because Justice Julie Bourgeois insisted it was necessary to protect the public.

A new justice allowed the bail but imposed several conditions.  In addition to posting $25,000, Lich had to promise to leave Ottawa within 24 hours and have no contact with her fellow convoy organizers.

However, government officials are concerned that Lich still poses a clear and present danger, and that there is little to prevent her from counseling others to commit mischief.  

RCMP Chief Mischief Profiler, Lloyd Alexander, warns that the type and severity of mischief Lich could inflict on the people of Canada is limited only by the public’s imagination.  

“There’s nothing to prevent her from infiltrating a Facebook knitting group, radicalizing its members and persuading them to crochet a giant “Fuck Trudeau” banner which they could unfurl in front of parliament.  She’s sneaky and impish, that one, and that’s why we’ll be keeping a very close eye on her,” he said.

Schwab rebukes Trudeau for jumping too far ahead in The Great Reset playbook

Details are starting to emerge regarding why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unexpectedly ended the Emergencies Act last Wednesday only a week after invoking it and a mere day after the Canadian House approved it.

Apparently, after witnessing the unprecedented civil liberties violations Trudeau and his goons were inflicting on a group of peaceful protesters, his mentor Klaus Schwab felt compelled to pick up the phone and rebuke the former student.

“This looks very bad for us, Justin.  You’re giving away the game.  It’s like you decided to turn to the last page of the playbook without taking the necessary steps to get there,” Schwab told Trudeau.

Trudeau is a product of the World Economic Forum’s Young Global Leaders school.  In the past, WEF Executive Director Klaus Schwab has boasted like a proud papa about the school’s most accomplished graduates such as Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin.  However, Schwab pointed to the WEF’s proudest accomplishment as placing its Young Global Leaders inside the cabinets of many of the world’s nations.

“But what we are very proud of now, the young generation like Prime Minister Trudeau, president of Argentina [Mauricio Macri], and so on, that we penetrate the cabinets. So, yesterday, I was at a reception for Prime Minister Trudeau, and I know that half of his cabinet or even more than half of his cabinet are actually Young Global Leaders of the World Economic Forum,” Schwab told an audience in 2017.

Schwab was reportedly apoplectic over the bad publicity Trudeau and Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland, who is also a WEF Young Global Leader, brought upon the organization. 

“We must bring the people along gradually.  Haven’t you ever heard of death by a thousand cuts or the boiling frog?  You can’t just go out and start jailing people for ‘unacceptable views.’  Didn’t you learn anything, you spoiled rich idiot.  You have too much of your father, Fidel, in you.  And what the fuck is the matter with you Freeland?  You can’t just start seizing people’s bank accounts.  We are years away from social credit in western democracies,” Schwab admonished the pair.  

Schwab reportedly ended the scolding by paying the pair a backhanded compliment.

“That being said, the apparent number of citizens of a free country willing to go along with such draconian measures is very instructive.  It appears that the monumental, young global stupidity you two have shown may have inadvertently revealed something quite useful,” Schwab said.

Canada declares war on “terror” trucker convoy

The full force and fury of the Maple Leaf is about to strike mightily at Canada’s freedom trucker convoy.  Invoking powers reserved almost exclusively for war time, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau declared war on the lawless band of 18 wheelers, flatbeds, and reefer trucks occupying the Canadian capital and a handful of other locations around the country.

Apparently the protests were cutting into the country’s bottom line.  Indeed, the freedom truckers are so essential to Canadian commerce that not only were they required to put their health and safety on the line during the early days of the pandemic and move goods around the country and across the border, but they’re still needed to shut up, get back behind the wheel and do as their told, lest they have their livelihoods taken away and their bank accounts frozen.  

“This illegal occupation needs to end … the measure of success will be, can we get our supply chains back? Can we end the disruption to livelihoods of people who rely on trade to the United States?,” Trudeau told reporters.

The nation’s elite political class and the keyboard tapping Zoom crowd can do without the calloused hand, beer gut brigade disrupting their lives in Ottawa.  And if you don’t think the pajama clad power elite is serious, check out their little bulldog, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland, as she steps to the mic and tells the people how it’s about to go down.

“First: we are broadening the scope of Canada’s anti-money laundering and terrorist financing rules so that they cover crowdfunding platforms and the payment service providers they use.”

Hold up a second.  There must be some kind of mistake here.  This isn’t the press conference where they announce the takedown of some international drug trafficking cartel or terror financing network.  These are the freedom truckers, dog.   

“Second: the government is issuing an order with immediate effect, under the Emergencies Act, authorizing Canadian financial institutions to temporarily cease providing financial services where the institution suspects that an account is being used to further the illegal blockades and occupations. This order covers both personal and corporate accounts.”

So according to Freeland (ironic name, eh?), if you’re participating in the protests, or providing material aid and comfort to the freedom trucker movement, the commonwealth will come after you like a bone-chilling blast of Alberta Clipper and freeze your bank account.

Apparently the freedom truckers don’t enjoy a lot of popular support in Canada.  Most Canadians disapproved of Trudeau’s handling of the protests and were demanding a resolution.  However, who thought it would be prudent to invoke unprecedented executive powers and suspend civil liberties by equating a peaceful group of protesting truckers to terrorists?  Wouldn’t the thoughtful and compassionate approach be to just drop the mandates and the passports?  Some provinces are already doing so.  But I guess you can’t negotiate with truckers.  All they understand is the iron fist.  Maybe next time there’s a deadly virus outbreak, rather than face down the virus and put their and their family’s health and well-being in jeopardy, maybe the truckers should just stay at home and protect themselves, like their Zoom chattering overlords.