FBI to increase consulting on domestic terrorism plots

The FBI announced today its expanding the services it offers individuals wishing to plan and execute domestic terrorism plots.  The announcement comes after a dozen FBI employed informants successfully ensnared six individuals who planned to kidnap and put on trial Michigan’s Governor Gretchen Whitmer.   

“The FBI wants to assist you in every facet of your domestic terrorism plot.  From planning to recruitment to preparation, the FBI will work with you every step of the way.  Having trouble locating individuals who share your beautiful dark twisted fantasy, let the Federal Bureau of Investigation put you in touch with people who can help,” read an FBI press release.

The move comes after officials realized not everyone possesses the knowledge, skill, or desire to carry out a successful terrorism plot.

“When it comes to a terror plot or a criminal enterprise, we’ve seen it all,” said Special Agent Dave Mitrione.  “We’ve been the brains behind any number of criminal operations and anti-government groups.  Let us put decades of expertise and know how to work for you.  Our two to one ratio of paid consultants to unwitting civilians is guaranteed to get results.”