DHS: Rogan coordinating with trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl halftime show

The Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange Friday after receiving alarming intelligence indicating that controversial Spotify podcaster Joe Rogan may be directing a trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl activities.

A DHS memo circulated to law enforcement nationwide states that the agency “has received reports that a convoy of truckers is planning to potentially blockade Super Bowl festivities and may even be planning to bum rush the beloved Super Bowl halftime show.”

It is unclear how DHS acquired its intelligence; however, sources inside the FBI say they have several highly placed informants inside the trucker movement and are working closely with its leadership and monitoring its plans.

The DHS says that “the group intends to start in California as early as mid-February and travel to Washington, D.C., as late as mid-March, reportedly gathering truckers as they travel across the country.”

Informants inside the trucker movement tell DHS officials that leadership is taking its direction from embattled comedian and former reality tv host turned disinfo podcaster Joe Rogan.  DHS officials believe the truckers are picking up coded instructions as they listen to Rogan’s almost daily three hour broadcasts. 

DHS further noted the truckers intend to storm the field during the Super Bowl halftime show, bringing the entertainment to a halt and disrupting commerce by preventing the airing of America’s beloved Super Bowl commercials.

In a statement released Friday, Kanye West threatened not to perform if Super Bowl planners do not denounce the trucker convoys and remove them from the halftime activities.  “They can have Kanye or the Convoy.  Not both,” the statement read. 

Hot Rod Heaven

On the evening of Tuesday, October 21, 1951, a 19-year-old woman who displayed signs of intoxication was taken into custody from a location near her home by St. Joseph County Deputy Sheriff William J. Locks.  “She was higher than a kite, but it wasn’t from whisky, beer or wine,” Locks told reporters.  

During questioning, the woman revealed that she was under the influence of powerful narcotics obtained from her affiliation with a large sex, drug and theft gang.  The gang involved over a hundred area youths who met secretly in a wooded area northwest of the intersection of Grape Road and U.S. Highway 20 in St. Joseph County, Indiana.  Gang members referred to the meeting place as “Hot Rod Heaven” due to the large number of hot rods and motorcycles that assembled there.

The gatherings included youths ranging in age from 14 to 20 who engaged in heavy drinking, drug taking and “sexual indecencies”.  Additionally, investigators learned, “young hoodlums who frequented ‘the heaven’ whipped out pistols and engaged in wild shooting exhibitions.”  According to reports, “Many of the boys are armed and ‘shoot up’ the ‘heaven’ in the orgies.”  Indeed, when Deputy Locks investigated the scene, he found trees “riddled with bullets, torn pistol targets and empty beer cans pierced by gun shot.”  Some shocking headlines even reported a pair of “bullet riddled panties” had been discovered at the scene.  However, no homicides were known to have occurred at the location.  

Participants described how the gang’s leaders instructed the youths on how to steal and supplied information on “easy targets for theft in South Bend, Mishawaka and Niles.”  Additionally, the hoodlum gang leaders beat members who failed to successfully complete theft assignments and threatened to kill them if they ever “squawked”.  A female participant described “the whipping of youths who had failed on crime missions and told details of two burglaries later confirmed by authorities.  Any loot, she added, was ordered turned over to the gang’s leaders.”

Further questioning of the intoxicated 19-year-old female revealed that she had acquired the drugs from an usher at a South Bend movie theater.  Following up on the lead, investigators were able to track down the 16-year-old usher who corroborated much of the woman’s story and also provided additional details.  The usher admitted giving some capsules to the girl, but did not know what they contained.  The usher said he was instructed by a man named “Red” to give the capsules to a girl who would identify herself by giving him a signal.  The boy said he complied with Red’s orders because he was afraid of him.  

In addition to obtaining capsules from the usher, the 19-year-old woman admitted she had purchased capsules of drugs from Red himself and took them on at least eight occasions.  A separate girl claimed to have been injected with “dope” on two occasions, once by Red and another time by herself.   

Investigators learned that Red and at least a half dozen other men were responsible for trafficking the narcotics into the area.  The men reportedly acquired the drugs in Kentucky and smuggled them in the taillights of cars and motorcycles into the South Bend area.  Another 20-year-old man questioned by Locks, admitted that Red gave him money to transport youths in his car from a meeting place in Mishawaka out to the “heaven.”  Further testimony by the 19-year-old woman to Deputy Locks and St. Joseph County Prosecutor Graham McGowan revealed that “members of the Plymouth sex orgy gang recently broken by Marshall County authorities attended the sprees in ‘hot rod heaven.’”  More on the Plymouth sex orgy gang later.

While investigators were interviewing young people and trying to sort out the illegal activities taking place at Hot Rod Heaven, the state police in Kentucky apprehended a 29-year-old South Bend, Indiana man “on a charge of being under the influence of narcotics on a public highway.”  Kentucky State Patrol picked up Gilbert Yish on a highway five miles outside of Paducah, Kentucky after he’d thrown a rock through the window of a moving truck.  Yish told authorities he was under the influence of heroin.  Although investigators did not confirm Yish to be the man called Red, he was clearly a very troubled individual who may have been involved with the alleged illegal activity taking place at Hot Rod Heaven.  Just a few days after his arrest in Kentucky, and after he was turned over to the care of his father, Yish was again arrested, this time by South Bend Police at a local “trailer camp” for fighting with several guests.  Subsequent newspaper reports have Yish as a patient at an Indiana mental hospital. 

Two days after delivering a wild tale of debauchery involving a hundred youths at a secret clearing in the woods called “Hot Rod Heaven,” the 19-year-old woman arrested for being “higher than a kite” took it all back.  “Everything that I told the sheriff’s deputies is untrue,” she said.  “I stated that Red gave me some pills and that I did not know what they were for.  It was a lie.  He (Red) thought I was pregnant and he wanted to get rid of the baby, because I’m married now….I didn’t want my husband to know that I was out with Red.”  

The needle girl recanted her story as well.  “Everything I said was a lie.  My reason for doing this was I thought I would get out of trouble quicker….Red is from Mishawaka.  I don’t know his last name.  But there is such a person.  I haven’t known him very long.  I stated that Red was the first one that gave me the shot.  This is a lie.”

Among local investigators, reactions were mixed.  Some were satisfied that the girls were now telling the truth and nothing really happened, while others vowed to continue the investigation and to interview additional minors implicated in the story.  Law enforcement in surrounding cities and towns seemed eager to chalk it up as a hoax, satisfied that none of their community’s youths were involved in such scandalous behavior.

However, even as the two women in custody were now denying most of the events they previously described, they seemed to further affirm that Red was real and that he was indeed a narcotics dealer.  Also, one of the girls appeared to have knowledge of at least two burglaries known to police.  And what to make of the testimony of the usher and the driver Red recruited to shuttle teens out to Hot Rod Heaven?  The usher’s story mostly backs up the girl’s testimony about Red, and while the driver may have been inventing a role for himself in the lore surrounding Hot Rod Heaven, maybe there was some truth to what he and the other youths were describing.

Which brings us back to the aforementioned Plymouth sex orgy gang.  On September 20, 1951, just a month before the Hot Rod Heaven revelations surfaced, Ray Freed, 30, of Plymouth, Indiana was sentenced in Marshall County Juvenile Court to six months in the Indiana Penal Farm for contributing to the delinquency of minors.  Freed, the night watchman at a Plymouth creamery plant, had taken nude photographs of several teens aged 14-17 engaged in various acts of sexual indecency after hours at the plant.  While investigators told reporters other adults were involved, Freed was the only adult named and prosecuted.  In what seems a disturbing practice by today’s standards, rather than being treated as victims, 14 of the teens were punished for their participation in the “sex gang.”  Two girls were sent to the Indiana Girls’ School and three boys were sent to the Plainfield Boys’ School.  Other underage participants were placed on probation.

In addition to being a national story, the Hot Rod Heaven incident was one of many reports at the time of teen sex and drug gangs popping up all over the country.  There were so many stories in so many places that one might be inclined to think the nation was in the midst of a moral panic over behavior that was probably not all that uncommon.  Famed Indiana University sex researcher Dr. Alfred A. Kinsey was totally unfazed by the Hot Rod Heaven allegations, explaining there is “no evidence of an increase in juvenile sexual activity.  It has always existed.  The only increase is in the amount of publicity such cases have been getting lately.”  Additionally, Kinsey “estimated that there are 420,000 illicit sex experiences in Indiana each week.”  Kinsey would be in a position to know.  He most likely participated in no small number of those.

In the end, maybe there’s no such thing as a Hot Rod Heaven.  Maybe there never was.  True, young people have always been fond of finding an out of the way spot to park their cars and engage in illicit activity.  But if it was real, the secrets of Hot Rod Heaven were long ago swallowed up by its tall, smothering trees, drowned out by the angry revving of car engines, and carried away on dense clouds of hot rod exhaust.  Red and his crew, who may or may not have once strode into the chaos of the ‘heaven’ and commanded the fear and respect of the rowdy throng, and who possibly even ordered youths to steal and peddle narcotics for them, have long ago faded back into the darkness, possibly emerging somewhere else with even more sinister intent and devilish schemes.

Declining attendance at fitness centers indicates many Americans have already achieved their New Year’s fitness goals

As the first month of 2022 draws to a close, it has become apparent that many Americans who resolved to get back in shape this year have done so in record time.  Indeed, these gym warriors hit it hard for the first couple weeks of January, causing attendance at many locations to double or even triple.  Having transformed themselves in record time, many January gym rats are already hanging up their shorts and checking another resolution off their list.

“I set a pretty ambitious goal this year to get in better shape than I was in 2021,” said Cal Thomas, member at Fantastic Fitness.  “I managed to achieve that goal in about three workouts.  Needless to say, with Covid and all, I was pretty inactive in 2021.  Next year I hope to double my current fitness level by going for six.”

Gym memberships swelled the first week of January, leaving many year-round regulars having to adjust their fitness routines.  Access to facilities and equipment was temporarily hampered by the influx, but now seems to be opening back up.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Joe Buck.  “We’re all about rapid results.  It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Ageing rock stars suffering under Covid rockdown restrictions

Rockdown restrictions appear to be taking their toll on some of our most beloved ageing rock stars.  Most recently, a cantankerous Neil Young insisted Spotify remove his catalog from its service saying he won’t share the platform with the likes of Joe Rogan.  In a letter to his management team, Young wrote:  “I want you to let Spotify know immediately TODAY that I want all my music off their platform. They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.”

In the letter, the “Rockin’ in the Free World” composer reveals the source of his displeasure with the popular streaming service.  “I am doing this because Spotify is spreading fake information about vaccines – potentially causing death to those who believe the disinformation being spread by them. Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule.”

Some say Mr. Young’s frustration with Spotify has even spilled over into his music.  According to fans at a recent event, Young took aim at the streaming giant when he altered some of his lyrics to sing, “We need a kinder, gentler speech ban hand.”  

Then there is Eric Clapton, for whom it all came into focus, when he first discovered mass formation hypnosis.   “I didn’t get the memo, whatever the memo was, it hadn’t reached me. Then I started to realize there was really a memo… It’s great, you know, the theory of mass hypnosis formation. And I could see it then. Once I started to look for it, I saw it everywhere.” 

Not you, Slowhand and Shaky.  Gentlemen, the politics of this shit is poison.  It’ll destroy your brain.  Please, do something constructive.  Snort a few lines of blow, pick up your guitars and get back about the business of rock and roll.  “She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie…”

Spotify inks $100 deal for exclusive rights to 270 Doctors Podcast

Champagne glasses were clinking this morning after executives at Spotify announced they’d reached an agreement following days of intense negotiations with the 270 doctors.  The deal covers six months and will reportedly pay the 270 doctors $100 for exclusive rights to stream their podcast.

Spotify had come under intense pressure in recent days after 270 doctors issued an open letter criticizing the streaming service for allowing the Joe Rogan podcast to spread “dangerous” Covid misinformation.  Hoping to avoid a public relations nightmare, Spotify entered into negotiations with the doctors and eventually agreed to give them their own show.  The show will focus primarily on combating Covid misinformation but may also occasionally weigh in on some of the false messaging surrounding Mixed Martial Arts.   

The 270 doctors, who it is universally acknowledged on Twitter and in the mainstream media represent the entire medical establishment, reads like a who’s who of public health heavy hitters.  They are doctors, scientists, veterinarians, psychologists and medical students raising their collective voices to put an end to the escalating Covid “infodemic.”  However, promotion by the mainstream press, cable news and social media platforms is no match for taking on the powerful Joe Rogan machine.  The doctors hope their new podcast will once and for all put an end to the lies, so the American people can get back on the same page, guided exclusively by the thoughtful, uniformed, non contradictory messaging of the nation’s public health apparatus.

The deal also extended a .1 percent cut of the revenue generated from the avalanche of downloads of Spotify and the Joe Rogan podcast resulting from the 270 doctors letter controversy.

Asked for comment, Rogan seemed a little shaken by news of the new show, as if the 270 Doctors Podcast represented a potential threat to his empire of lies and falsehoods.  “Good for them.  I hope they’ll have me on their show.  We can hang out and smoke a big J.” 

Researchers discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock.  Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.  

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery.  In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.  

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute.  “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick.  Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on.  We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock.  I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.” 

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay.  “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics.  We had no idea what would happen.  Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”  

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock.  “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance.  Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.” 

White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday.  Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden.  “White House, I can’t hold her!  She’s breaking up!  She’s breaking up!”  With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.  

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.  

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend.  Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package.  Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair.  Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate.  Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy. 

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived.  After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive.  Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it.  We have the technology.  We can build it back better than it was.  Better…stronger…faster.  It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Bill Gates expects his predictions to achieve 100% unreliability in the coming months

After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.

Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.”  With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The oracle had spoken…again.  Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.      

Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant?  As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods.  “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far.  We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.   

The people rejoiced!  Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank.  And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”

Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation.  However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note.  “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering.  The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance.  Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay.  That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking.  Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant.  Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party.  Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”

Retailers offering smash and carry holiday savings

This year’s holiday shopping season has seen a number of new door-busting additions to popular Christmas shopping themed days like Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  Increasing numbers of consumers are avoiding the long checkout lines that waste their time and cut into their bottom line, opting instead for the smash and grab approach.  

In response, retailers like CVS and Target have added Looting Tuesday to the list of days when shoppers can expect exceptional holiday savings.  Looting Tuesday events are planned at locations across the country.  For those who pre-register, some retailers are offering to commemorate your Looting Tuesday experience by capturing it on security video and sharing it for free.    

Five Finger Friday events are breaking out spontaneously at Home Depot and Best Buy locations around the country.  If you are considering taking part in a flash mob shopping event, retailers like Best Buy are asking that you pause your plundering for a moment and consider signing up for their extended warranty plan before tearing off into the night with your new laptop.

Smash and Dash Saturdays are gaining in popularity in some of the nation’s more high-end shopping districts.  Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Saks are all prepping for a weekend of holiday mayhem.  The merchandise is free, but if you need gift wrapping, it may cost extra.

Mr. Kang pushes boundaries of all-you-can-eat buffet dining

A Chinese food influencer and live-streamer finds himself at the center of controversy today over whether limits can be placed on the amount of food one can consume at all-you-can-eat establishments.

Known simply as Mr. Kang, the livestreamer complained on Hunan TV of discrimination after being kicked out of the Handadi Seafood BBQ Buffet for eating too much.  “I can eat a lot – is that a fault?” Kang asked.

Apparently the owner of the restaurant thinks so.  “Every time he comes here, I lose a few hundred yuan,” he said.  “Even when he drinks soy milk, he can drink 20 or 30 bottles. When he eats the pork trotters, he consumes the whole tray of them. And for prawns, usually people use tongs to pick them up, he uses a tray to take them all.”

The issue has sparked fierce debate over whether limits can be placed on buffet dining or whether the freedom to eat is universal and should not be infringed upon.  Freedom to eat absolutists argue it is the dining right that makes all the others possible.

“Where does it end?  You start with all-you-can-eat is not really all-you-can-eat.  Next you’re limiting free refills on soft drinks.  Then fortune cookies are extra.  Do we really want to go down that slippery slope?” asks popular YouTube food scholar, Professor Waffles. 

Others feel strict limitations should be placed on eating influencers and live-streamers, even suggesting outright bans on all-you-can-eat buffets.

For now, Mr. Kang will have to explore new frontiers in buffet dining elsewhere as he and all other live-streamers have been blacklisted from the establishment.