Federal officials brace for Freedom Scooter Convoy headed toward DC

Fences and barricades are being erected around the Washington D.C. area, and the Department of Homeland Security is deploying 500 staff, hoping to head off a Freedom Scooter Convoy that is gathering momentum as it sweeps across the nation.   

Angry seniors are fleeing retirement homes and nursing facilities and joining the convoy as it patiently inches its way across the fruited plain toward the nation’s capital.  Nearly 500 strong, the Freedom Scooter Convoy is currently creeping its way through Scottsdale, Arizona.  Organizers expect the convoy to reach Washington D.C. by Labor Day. 

In Washington, federal officials are scrambling to put the nation’s capital on a secure footing.  “We’ve deployed National Guard troops to the city’s shopping malls.  We’re also securing buffet style dining establishments, libraries and just about any location where people can gather and drink an inexpensive cup of coffee,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki.

Reporters asked whether the convoy intended to disrupt or blockade traffic as part of its protest.  “We’re keeping a close eye on the situation,” Psaki said.  “However, from what we’re seeing, rather than blocking busy interstates and city traffic, the scooter convoys seem to be bypassing the congestion by sticking to the shoulders or motoring in between lanes.  We don’t expect to have a problem here in Washington as our roadways are already quite heavily congested.”

It is still unclear what the Freedom Scooter Convoy hopes to achieve with its protest.  One participant named Silver Fox, who is riding with the Little Rascals Gang, said she wants the family visitation policy at her senior home returned to the pre-Covid normal.  Additionally, she would like to see a resumption of conjugal visit opportunities with her man on the outside.

DHS deploys 500 to head off phantom trucker convoy

America breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning after the promised trucker protest convoy never materialized and the Super Bowl and all related activities came off without a hitch.  Thanks to rapid and decisive action by the Department of Homeland Security, the massive convoy of lawless truckers barrelling toward LA was never able to achieve its diabolical plan to disrupt the big game.

According to Reuters, “A reported trucker protest planned to coincide with the Super Bowl appears to be going nowhere, a social media monitoring firm that has been tracking the issue said on Saturday.”

Apparently someone forgot to notify the truckers that this big event was going down.  Although the Department of Homeland Security did its best to try to get the convoy rolling. 

“After media reported on a U.S. Department of Homeland Security memo warning of potential disruption around Sunday’s Super Bowl, there was a notable increase in social media mentions about a convoy of anti-vaccine truckers purportedly planning to descend on Los Angeles,” Reuters reported.

Okay, raise the possibility that a politically hostile U.S. based trucker protest convoy determined to disrupt America’s beloved Super Bowl holiday is on the loose.  Disseminate memo to a credulous media to promote the story and sound the alarm.  Point to resulting increased activity on social media as evidence of a plot in action.  Deploy 500 additional staff to California to head off the angry phantom convoy.  No word yet on how many DHS agents attended the Super Bowl for security reasons.      

Comment from America’s recently radicalized legions of long-haul truckers was not forthcoming as most of them were passed out in front of their televisions, overcome by voluminous consumption of hot wings and frosty cold beverages.

DHS: Rogan coordinating with trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl halftime show

The Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange Friday after receiving alarming intelligence indicating that controversial Spotify podcaster Joe Rogan may be directing a trucker convoy to disrupt Super Bowl activities.

A DHS memo circulated to law enforcement nationwide states that the agency “has received reports that a convoy of truckers is planning to potentially blockade Super Bowl festivities and may even be planning to bum rush the beloved Super Bowl halftime show.”

It is unclear how DHS acquired its intelligence; however, sources inside the FBI say they have several highly placed informants inside the trucker movement and are working closely with its leadership and monitoring its plans.

The DHS says that “the group intends to start in California as early as mid-February and travel to Washington, D.C., as late as mid-March, reportedly gathering truckers as they travel across the country.”

Informants inside the trucker movement tell DHS officials that leadership is taking its direction from embattled comedian and former reality tv host turned disinfo podcaster Joe Rogan.  DHS officials believe the truckers are picking up coded instructions as they listen to Rogan’s almost daily three hour broadcasts. 

DHS further noted the truckers intend to storm the field during the Super Bowl halftime show, bringing the entertainment to a halt and disrupting commerce by preventing the airing of America’s beloved Super Bowl commercials.

In a statement released Friday, Kanye West threatened not to perform if Super Bowl planners do not denounce the trucker convoys and remove them from the halftime activities.  “They can have Kanye or the Convoy.  Not both,” the statement read.