Tag: Justice Department

Alex Acosta takes ‘poor judgement’ victory lap over handling of Epstein prosecution

Former Labor Secretary and Florida federal prosecutor, Alex Acosta, released a statement today celebrating a Justice Department Office of Professional Responsibility report detailing his ‘poor judgement’ in the handling of the investigation into child sex abuser Jeffrey Epstein.

In the statement, Acosta claimed vindication by the report’s findings because it failed to conclude that he committed professional misconduct. 

“‘Poor judgement.’  Are there two sweeter sounding words in the English language?” Acosta crowed.  “I welcome their application to me on my handling of this case.  This is a victory for all prosecutors who have ever intervened on behalf of a wealthy and influential perpetrator and secured for them the deal of a lifetime.  From this day forward, let ‘poor judgement’ guide our efforts as we seek to subvert justice on behalf of the rich and powerful.” 

Acosta delivered a scathing rebuke of fellow prosecutors who tried to broaden the investigation and root out additional criminality. 

“‘Willful blindness’ can also be a very effective tool when piecing together a ‘poor judgement’ prosecution.  Ignore the advice of subordinates (I’m looking at you Villafana) who might try to improve your understanding and thereby influence your judgement in a positive way.”

Facing a mountain of criticism from defense attorneys, journalists and the public, Acosta attempted, once and for all, to put the conspiracy speculation to rest.

“To all the critics and conspiracy theorists out there, let’s get one thing straight.  History is replete with men who are called upon to deliver head-scratching incompetence at just the right moment to ensure that other powerful men avoid justice.  That doesn’t mean that a bunch of lawyers conspired to cut a rich guy a sweetheart deal.  It just means that the job required a special kind of pathetic ignoramus with impeccable timing to exercise ‘poor judgement’ in service of supremely important and well-connected individuals.  And if you happen to advance your career and wind up with a coveted presidential cabinet position in spite of your irresponsible stupidity, well that just means somebody saw something special in you.” 

Gertrude the Pig hacks back

Perhaps we underestimate pig cognition.  Mere days after Elon Musk’s much ballyhooed Neuralink demonstration, Gertrude the Pig may be having her revenge on human society.

Gertrude the Pig was introduced to the world a few weeks ago as one of the first subjects to have a Neuralink computer chip wired into its brain.  Witnesses to the demonstration were able to see Gertrude’s neural activity as she snuffed around and touched things with her snout.

Since the demonstration, however, it appears that computer to pig brain hacking may not be a one-way street.    

While not yet noticeable to the casual user, data from Google Analytics shows pig content across the internet has increased as much as eleven percent.  

“In a normal year, we might expect to see a half to a two percent rise in pig content,” said Igor Testicov, Senior Applications Developer at Google.  “An eleven percent jump is certainly something to take notice of.”

Researchers want to know what could be fueling this dramatic rise in swine related content.  Is it possible Gertrude the Pig is hacking back?    

The Justice Department thinks so.  Said one FBI official, “We’re seeing pig bot accounts pop up all over Facebook promoting anything from veganism to turkey bacon.  We were able to trace many of these fake accounts back to Russian troll farms.  The question is who is hiring the Russians to produce this content?”

If Gertrude knows, she isn’t talking.  Her handlers say they’ve noticed no change in Gertrude’s daily activities.  

Still, though, experts are at a loss to explain the strange disruptions to financial markets.  “Something is influencing the commodities markets,” said one trader.  “Hog futures are trading at an all-time low.  Currently, there is some big money out there shorting pork bellies.”  

“We really have no idea what we’re tapping into here,” warned Testicov.  “We may rue the day we linked pigs to powerful computing technology.  Once you let the pig out of the pen, it’s not so easily put back.”