California – If there is something

Fifty years after ‘Going to California,’ hippies and dreamers ‘Leaving California’ in droves

Ranking dead last in net migration, California is watching its citizens flee the state in droves. The dream of starting a new life in a land of limitless opportunity seems to have died out completely, and long-time residents are singing a different tune from the hopeful songs of yesteryear.

“Fifty years ago, everybody was ‘Going to California’ and ‘California Dreaming,’” said an old hippie packing for Colorado. “Today it seems like the dream is over. Californians have gone from knowing how to party and Californicating to getting the hell out. Anyway, I wrote a little song about it called ‘Leaving California.’” At that the dusty old hippie picked up his beat up six-string and sang:

Fifty years with a woman unwell

Spent my dough and dragged me through hell

Made up my mind to set myself free

Leaving California after hip replacement and a colonoscopy

Someone told me there’s woman out there

With most of her teeth and curlers in her hair

Took my chances on a mobility scooter

It’s a low emission, non-polluter

A homeless man poops on the sidewalk at dawn

A movie producer tells him get off my lawn

People in the street start to riot and shake

Hippies load their buses for the Lone Star State

Looks like a cop on patrol

Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow

I think I should be going

To seek the silver-haired queen of the rain

You know she played her tambourine and sang, la la la la

Shuffling through the mists of the dawn

Trying to find a gal who can still get along

Ride a chairlift on a stairway of dreams

Telling myself Florida’s not as far, far, far as it seems

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon. The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries. If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary. Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up.

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government. “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful. California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry. “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies. A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season. Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas. The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence. If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care. Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home. Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions. “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits. Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents. Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season. “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic. However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card. If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement: “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world. Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders. That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors. So be good for goodness sake.”

Governor Newsom photographed with friends at posh LA tent dining establishment Paris Lavatory

Governor Gavin Newsom has again stirred up controversy after he was recently photographed with friends dining at Paris Lavatory, one of LA’s ritziest and most exclusive tent dining establishments.

With Covid raging across the state and government mandated shutdowns forcing millions out of work, homeless tent communities are springing up across LA. Some of these communities feature McMansion-sized tents replete with showers, refrigerators, air conditioning and outdoor wading pools.

While touring one of these “high-end” homeless communities, searching for ways the state might generate revenue from them, Governor Newsom and associates dined at Paris Lavatory, a $500 a plate tent dining establishment.

Witnesses report the governor and friends dined without masks inside the tent.

“The governor sincerely regrets his decision to dine indoors without a mask. He was under the mistaken impression that tent dining didn’t really qualify as indoor dining,” said Charles Watson, spokesperson for the governor. “However, the governor was extremely impressed with how Californian’s are battling through adversity, building communities and engaging in commerce. He looks forward to finding a way to tax the shit out of it.”

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run.

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election. In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper. C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors. However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800. We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory.

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor. “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard. The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest. The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California. As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”