Biden – If there is something

Biden campaign team to promote success of “Hunternomics”

White House officials today embarked on a nationwide television and social media blitz to promote the runaway success of their “Hunternomics” economic miracle. The effort is designed to remind Americans ahead of next year’s elections of how unquestionably awesome their lives have become under the leadership of the Biden family.

Administration officials expect the American media to snort up the news like a newly discovered line of blow and eagerly regurgitate the message with all the coherence and self-importance of a rambling cokehead.

A hallmark of the Hunternomics miracle was the transfer of trillions to the richest corporations and individuals, while small businesses and families were crushed under the weight of Covid restrictions. Average Americans watched their savings decrease under the pressure of high prices and the worst inflation in 40 years.

“Hunternomics extorted trillions out of the Fed, a portion of which was doled out to struggling Americans who generously turned around and passed that money onto the richest Americans in the form of inflated prices. That’s a win, win in our book,” said White House economic advisers Jared Bernstein and Heather Boushey in a press release.

“Hunternomics is real,” President Biden reminded a roomful of union reps at a luncheon in Washington. “My boy is single handedly pressuring foreign companies to return millions right back here to the U.S.A. Now how about showing your appreciation by casting your vote for the big guy.”

West Wing Cocaine Cubby longtime gathering spot for DC power brokers

Facts continue to emerge regarding the discovery of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House. Investigators are now saying that their investigation, which they initially thought would take two weeks, should be wrapped up by Monday, and it is unlikely a culprit will be found. That’s good news for the American public who were hoping this incident could be quickly put to bed without a satisfactory resolution.

Additionally, former White House and executive branch staffers have come forward to provide some background on the location where the cocaine was discovered. Historically, the West Wing entrance area between the foyer and the lower-level lobby has been referred to by those in-the-know as the West Wing Cocaine Cubby. It’s a place where high-powered executive branch staffers gather to blow off a little steam.

Established during the Nixon administration, the Cocaine Cubby became a popular refuge for White House staffers at times of national crisis and during high-stakes negotiations. It was temporarily discontinued when President Carter learned of its existence, but reopened under Reagan when the administration was rolling in blow and using the drug as currency to negotiate illicit arms deals.

It is said that, back in the 70’s, Henry Kissinger brokered a number of international agreements out of the Cocaine Cubby. The disco atmosphere, mixed drinks and hedonistic pleasures offered by the Cubby frequently caused the most stubborn diplomats to soften their hardline positions.

Now that the Cocaine Cubby’s existence has been revealed to the wider public, West Wing watchers say its future is uncertain. “This could be curtains for the Cocaine Cubby,” said one White House insider.

Retired 70’s cop brought in to “fingertip” identify White House cocaine

New information is emerging regarding the cocaine discovered in a White House storage closet Sunday. Sources close to the situation are reporting that the Secret Service called in a retired 1970’s detective to perform a fingertip taste analysis on a “suspicious substance.”

After licking his pinky, dipping it into the mysterious white powder and touching it to his tongue, the detective was instantly able to identify the substance as cocaine.

“Yeah, that’s booger sugar,” the detective told a perplexed group of Secret Service agents. “Blow. Cocaine. That’s the good shit too. Medical grade. That ain’t no street coke.”

According to officials, further analysis confirmed the substance to be cocaine hydrochloride, which is commonly used as a local anesthetic.

Discovery of the substance prompted officials to immediately evacuate the White House. However, once the cocaine was determined to be of the “non-hazardous” variety, White House employees were allowed to resume their usual activities.

Investigators initially speculated that a White House tour group may have been responsible for bringing the substance into the building. The 70’s detective immediately poured cold water on that theory.

“Oh sure, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from Dayton, Ohio just decided to duck into a storage closet for a quick bump in the middle of their White House tour. How the hell would they know about a secret room to pack their nose?” the detective barked at investigators. “This involves somebody who works or lives here. Check everybody who’s had access to the building for the last 72 hours. That coke didn’t taste too fresh. It could’ve been there for days.”

The 70’s detective is part of a new program to repurpose retired narcotics investigators who are able to provide faster, more accurate and complete in-the-field information than drug sniffing dogs and expensive chemical tests. This detective’s handling team refers to him as the Bad Lieutenant.

“We’re looking for someone with an intimate knowledge of every nook and cranny of the White House. Not to mention someone brazen enough to ride the old white train in the most heavily secured building in the country. Now ask yourself, who would have the clangers to do something like that? Hell, they were probably having sex in there, humping like a couple of jackrabbits,” the 70’s detective speculated.

New reality program “Missing Billions” to air on CNBC

A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC. Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.

“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars. The level of corruption and fraud is astounding. I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money. Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken.

Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters. Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.

“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine. Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole. We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.

Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits.

“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector. It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future. Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud. Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.

Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption. “All will be revealed,” Milken promises. “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”

Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee.

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.

Facing irrelevance and unemployment, resistance media to pursue a “What if Trump had won?” project called Man on the High Escalator

Now that a Trump coup in January seems unlikely, some members of the media are scrambling to figure out what they’re going to do for the next four years. Journalists and commentators at HuffPost, Buzzfeed, Vox and MSNBC face the very real threat of extinction now that they’ve defeated fascism with their panicked reporting and merciless tweeting.

But what if they didn’t topple the dictator? What if in some parallel reality Trump prevailed and the United States is still suffering under the capricious dictates of a ruthless authoritarian? That’s the premise of a new television series being shopped around by a group of intrepid journos who are currently out of things to lose their shit over.

“Man on the High Escalator should allow us to continue cashing in on Trump hysteria for years to come,” said one reporter connected to the project. “It’s pretty much going to be nap time at the White House for the foreseeable future. Anyway, criticizing Biden will get your Twitter account locked, as we’ve seen with the New York Post. So Man on the High Escalator gives us a creative outlet to continue to cultivate a high level of Trump induced anxiety.”

The story will focus on a band of scrappy resistance journalists, forced by a repressive Trump regime to confine their words and reporting to widely viewed social media platforms, popular cable news television programs and freely available digital media websites. Their stories will shine a light of truth on the Trump administration’s brutal authoritarian crackdown against any whiff of dissent, including the arrest of demonstrators who are often detained for hours and released without charges.

Fighting fascism can be a lonely business. Especially when your movement can rely only on the support of former Democratic establishment officials in exile, a number of the world’s largest and most powerful tech companies, and many current and former senior officials of the national security state. Yet somehow these meagre few heroes of the underground take up the fight day after day and aim their Twitter fury at the heart of the tyrant.

Look for Man on the High Escalator, coming soon to a streaming service near you.