If there is something

Insider article halts production at Pottermore Publishing

The ancient, rusted printing press at Pottermore Publishing rests covered in cobwebs this morning, and the old inky-fingered typesetter is out looking for other employment following new revelations outlined in Pam Segall’s recent Insider piece “There is no good way to introduce ‘Harry Potter’ to the next generation.”

Segall, a self-described millennial Potterhead, claims the Harry Potter magic is dead, killed by its creator’s malicious spells transmitted via Twitter in 2020. Furthermore, according to Segall, J.K. Rowling’s assault on the Potter magic goes back as far as 2018 when the Harry Potter author “liked” a “couple of offensive tweets” cast by other like-minded magic killers.

In probably one of the more relevant assertions of the piece, Segall says of Rowling, “Her actions disenchanted scores of fans, who have struggled to figure out what to do with their love for the series given the controversy around its creator.” Meaning some multiple of twenty fans is experiencing the same emotional difficulty and confusion described by Segall in this piece.

Having not been a millennial Potterhead in the late nineties, but rather a gen-x pothead too old for Harry Potter, it is difficult for me to fully appreciate Segall’s sense of disenchantment and loss. However, it must be darn near impossible to maintain a sense of magic and possibility when you’re swallowing all that ideological bullshit Segall’s been feasting on.

After bringing up about four or five of Rowling’s inclusivity infractions across all the Harry Potter works, Segall succinctly summarizes how the magic came to be drained from Potterland for Segall and the 20, 40, 80 or so other disenchanted fans. “In a series that spans thousands of pages and often provides minute details, the thought that Rowling couldn’t spare a few words to mention a character’s race or sexuality already seems preposterous,” Segall writes.

Indeed it is preposterous. Because everyone knows that beginning at some fixed date in 2016 or 2017 it became a cultural imperative that every children’s book detail the race, ethnicity, gender and sexuality of each of the book’s characters. The fact that some books don’t include these details is a colossal failure of imagination. Everyone knows that for a budding young reader to truly understand what makes characters tick, the author must include the character’s race or sexuality. Furthermore, it would be ideal if their distribution across the works would reflect the demographics of today’s modern society, even if the story is set in some other time and place, or some altogether made up realm.

It is Segall’s contention that Rowling’s bigotry has imposed itself on the Harry Potter works, thus releasing all the magic that has enchanted readers for nearly 25 years now. She calls this “the intrusion of real life” onto the works and concludes, “When we introduce the real world to the Wizarding World, we inherently drain some of its magic.” Setting aside whether or not Rowling’s tweets and likes are offensive, why is it that we are dragging the real world into the wizarding world again? It seems to me, again from the perspective of a former pothead and not a Potterhead, that often when you drag the contemporary world into the make believe world, you run the risk of disrupting the illusion. I don’t know, someone once told me that magic isn’t real, but often I can set aside that reality and enjoy tales of kick ass magic and wizardry anyway.

By the way, asserting that biological sex is real, and criticizing the phrase “people who menstruate” as a dehumanizing term for women is entirely within the bounds of mainstream thought and opinion. Among readers of Harry Potter books, there is nothing controversial about Rowling’s remarks and sales of her books reflect it. Currently, her most recent children’s book ranks #6 on Amazon and the Harry Potter box set ranks #16 in children’s books.

Still Segall writes: “Some fans treasure their existing copies of the beloved series while refusing to purchase anything new to support Rowling financially. For others, the books lie obscured and discarded, awaiting a fate yet to be determined.” I’m sure Segall wants this to be true because Segall and a few colleagues and friends feel this way, but this is clearly an example of magical thinking, dragging the world of belief and illusion into the real world.

Looking forward to a world without Harry Potter, Segall writes, “the best we can hope is that these conversations inspire the next generation to foster fully inclusive magic and create a more perfect version of this fantasy world.” No doubt this world would be fully embraced by the public if it were as imaginative, entertaining and enchanting as the Harry Potter books. However, the biggest obstacle facing this hypothetical work would most likely come from critics like Segall and company. Because they measure out their inclusivity in teaspoons and there is seldom enough of it in any work. Additionally, given the arbitrary formulation and constantly shifting nature of the inclusivity regulations, there is little doubt that if such a work as Segall describes were to set the reading world on fire, a new group of puritans would emerge to douse the flames.

From the sales of her Harry Potter books, J.K. Rowling has donated literally scores of millions of dollars to support research and treatment of multiple sclerosis. That’s some multiple of 20 million dollars of her own money. Additionally, she has used her platform to raise money to fight poverty, support children’s welfare and advocate on behalf of victims of domestic abuse. Segall and company seem unable wrap their heads around that magic, preferring instead to do the work of depriving Rowling of her powers to generate millions for those in need. I’m sure there’s some villainous character in Harry Potter who tried to steal or otherwise thwart the magic of those who sought to do good, but I wouldn’t know the name of that character because I was too busy taking bong hits and reading detective novels. Regardless, how does it feel, Segall, to become a villain in one of your formerly beloved Harry Potter books? There’s a story you can introduce to the next generation.

Mass cancellations after university launches Two Girls For Every Boy marketing campaign

Officials at Northern Tech University are reeling today following the mass cancellation of over 200 of its faculty and staff. At issue is the university’s new marketing campaign which seeks to attract more male students to the campus by boasting Two Girls For Every Boy. Officials seem to have underestimated the amount of offense generated by the slogan and are now facing a merciless backlash. Across the campus Tuesday, emotional apologies were issued and resignations were flying as university officials sought to minimize the damage.

“Look, we’ve got a big problem here,” said university president Miles Stanley. “We’ve basically got two chicks for every dude. Now how is a female student who enrolls at our school supposed to find someone who’ll support her through life if we got too few potential breadwinners on campus? I’m mean, you can see the problem here, right?”

Posters portraying young men carrying books and escorting pairs of buxom young women to class were torn down and burned outside the Student Union. Brochures guaranteeing parents their socially awkward son “is sure to meet the girl of his dreams or your money back” were also thrown into the fire.

Officials launched the campaign to combat a growing trend at Northern Tech and nationwide where fewer young males are enrolling in college while female enrollment continues to rise. Nationally, the breakdown of females to males at colleges and universities is 60 percent to 40 percent. However, at Northern Tech the difference is even more extreme with 66 percent female enrollment to just 34 percent male.

“You know, people don’t think about the hidden costs of running a university so heavily skewed toward the fairer sex. For instance, vehicular mishaps are up 27 percent,” said Stanley. “Also, we anticipate having to acquire additional kitchen and sewing equipment for our Home Economics Department.”

Across campus, protests have broken out regarding the university’s founder Simpson Wetherby, who at the school’s founding denied enrollment to women. The father of five daughters and no sons, Wetherby established the college in 1829 as a means of cultivating suitable young men to marry his daughters and to whom he could bequeath his vast fortune.

Caving to student pressure, university officials announced Tuesday that the “Surf City” themed homecoming event would be canceled and replaced by a tribute to Helen Reddy. However the action prompted a new round of protests and cancellations after non-gender specific and gender fluid students objected to the implication in Reddy’s 1971 hit “I Am Woman” that only women could be strong and invincible.

Olympic Facebook ads capture the thrill of Facebooking

If you’ve tuned in to the Olympics in recent days, you’ve probably noticed those inspiring commercials of Facebookers performing daring feats of Facebooking. The thrilling images of Facebookers tirelessly honing their craft have sent untold numbers of viewers flocking to the social media site to discover how they might become a part of this movement spanning the globe.

“Well, when you see what some of these elite level Facebookers are capable of, you’re just like, ‘Wow! How do they do that?’” said Jim McKay, Director of Television Advertising for the company. “We’re out to capture that TV viewing couch potato who’s been too lazy to try out our platform, and we think wowing them with a bit of the old razzle-dazzle is the way to get them to come onboard.”

Indeed, the Facebookers featured in these ads make it look effortless, but often years of hard work and tireless striving for perfection have gone into achieving that level of excellence.

“Most people don’t realize these Facebookers fail more often than they succeed. But when they do finally get it right, it’s like poetry or beautiful music. That’s what a Facebook legend looks like,” said McKay. “It’s the thrill of likes and shares and the agony of getting dogpiled. It all comes through in these commercials, and we think it’s a sure bet to lure people away from the boob-tube, out of the sweaty gyms and bug infested parks and into Facebooking where the world belongs.”

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees. As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering. It’s flying all by itself. It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans. If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space.

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers.

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.

“Fuck you Branson! Fuck you Elon Musk! One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared.

Apple to offer counseling to 2000 employees after scary author terminated

Apple Inc. issued a statement today relenting to employee demands that they be offered counseling and mental health services following an incident in which a scary author was briefly permitted to work for the company and access its corporate campus.

“Apple management would like to assure its employees that anyone traumatized by the presence of the man who wrote that frightening prose can take advantage of up to a month of paid leave and access counseling services when they feel well enough to return to work,” the statement read.

Officials at Apple weren’t aware that during the time best-selling author and tech manager Antonio Garcia Martinez was working as a mild-mannered ad targeting manager for the company, his 2016 critically acclaimed book Chaos Monkeys was silently stalking and assaulting the delicate sensibilities of a substantial portion of the Apple workforce.

Readers should be warned, the following passage is highly offensive and may cause male readers to embark on an unchecked spree of misogyny. Pay careful attention to the last sentence, which is the one that caused everybody’s panties to get in a bunch.

“She had wild, green eyes with unnatural red spots in her irises when you pulled close, reminiscent of that Afghan girl from the National Geographic cover. Her personality was flinty and rough and as leathery as her skin. She had spent years between various jobs backpacking around the rougher parts of the world. She was an imposing broad-shouldered presence, six feet tall in bare feet, and towering over me in heels. Most women in the Bay are soft and weak, cosseted and naive despite their claims of worldliness, and generally full of shit.”

Employees are still wondering why they were forced to endure the hostile work environment created by the author’s cruel prose. “Were they ever going to tell us about those awful words? They were just sitting there on the page, lying in wait to victimize us,” said one employee, who wished to stress that she was not soft and weak, cosseted and naive, and that she once took a gap year and travelled to several underdeveloped countries.

In an effort to provide a safe and inclusive workplace, Apple is in the process of compiling a list of scary writers employees should consider avoiding. Reportedly topping the list is acclaimed American author Philip Roth, who the company describes as “the grand master of creepy, old dudes obsessed with sex.”

Tour officials to investigate PGA Championship riot

PGA Tour officials today vowed to get to the bottom of why thousands of golf fans were able to storm the 18th green at the PGA Championship on Sunday, and whether Phil Mickelson played any role in the melee that ensued after he hit his final approach to that green.

Moments after Mickelson hit his approach shot to 18, thousands of fans broke through police and security lines and stormed the 18th green. Officials want to determine if the siege was in any way coordinated, and if eventual winner, Phil Mickelson, possibly encouraged the mob’s behavior through his play or his actions.

“All I know is after he hit that approach he started walking toward the green and gave a ‘thumbs up’. That’s when all hell broke loose. You tell me whether or not he was giving the ‘green light’ to the mob to do its thing,” said one anonymous official.

Another avenue of investigation will involve what, if any, role social media played in what seemed to be a highly coordinated siege of the closing hole at the Ocean Course at Kiawah Island. Some have pointed to Saturday night chatter on Reddit and Facebook as proof that the storming of the green was preplanned and highly coordinated.

At this time, authorities are reviewing tape in an effort to identify some of the principal offenders. One individual of interest with whom authorities would like to speak is identified only as Beer Can Hat Dude. He is visible in much of the footage handing out beers, cheering vociferously and inciting the crowd’s raucous behavior.

After the match, Mickelson playing partner, Brooks Koepka, who at one point became engulfed by the frenzied mob, had little positive to say about the chaotic scene on the 18th hole.

“It would have been cool if I didn’t have a knee injury and got dinged a few times in the knee in that crowd because no one really gave a s***, personally,” Koepka said.

Indeed, another avenue of investigation will almost certainly look at why so few in the excited gallery were thinking of Koepka’s knee at the moment a 50-year-old Mickelson was on the verge of golfing history.

Cursing Cheerleader has some choice words for the Supreme Court

The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments Wednesday in what could turn out to be a landmark free speech case. As both sides prepare to present arguments, the young woman at the center of the controversy, commonly known as the Cursing Cheerleader, had a few choice words for the nine justices: “Don’t fuck this up SCOTUS. Cheerleading is my goddamn life and everybody else can kiss my ass, bitch.”

The dispute stems from an incident four years ago in which a high school freshman cheerleader failed to make the varsity cheer squad, prompting the girl to issue a profanity laced rant directed at her school and cheer team. “Fuck school, fuck softball, fuck cheer, fuck everything,” the teen posted on Snapchat. As is the fashion in recent years, an opportunistic young tattle-tale took a screenshot of the post and showed it to the appropriate authorities who promptly suspended the girl from the cheer team.

An expletive laden friend-of-the-court brief was filed on the teen’s behalf by notable free speech advocates Ice-T, Luther Campbell, Willie D, Jello Biafra and the estates of Frank Zappa and George Carlin. The brief read in part:

I gotta bone to pick cause I’m sick

Of you motherfuckers talkin shit

We put you up, you put us down and I’m mad

Time to talk about your dog ass

The brief goes on to make a number of salient points defending the rights of all Americans to engage in free and spirited discourse without fear of sanction or retribution:

Fuck the motherfuckin critics, fuck newspapers

Fuck the radio stations

And fuck your parents against rap

We buried ya fuckin cockroaches

Court watchers worry that a ruling against the Cursing Cheerleader could muzzle the voices of young women everywhere, and potentially dishonor the memory and achievements of the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who as a young law student once threatened to set her professor’s balls on fire for a bad grade she received. The professor was so impressed with the young law student’s spirit and pluck that, instead of suspending the not-yet-notorious RBG, he raised her grade. A decision in the case is expected by this summer.

“Make my vax the P-Vax”: Pfizer harnesses P.Funk power to promote increased vaccination

Do not attempt to adjust your internet connection, there is nothing wrong. Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer and legendary developers of uncut funk, the P-Funk All-Stars, have taken control to bring you a very special show and raise awareness about the need to get vaccinated. While over 100 million doses of the Covid vaccine have been dispensed so far, millions of Americans have yet to be vaccinated. In response, Pfizer is dispatching the Mothership to touch down in areas around the country most in need of inoculation. Pumping “Make my vax the P-Vax” and operating at 500,000 kilowatts of P.Funk power, the Mothership has set an ambitious goal of dispensing an additional 100 million doses of vaccine by Memorial Day. P-Vax workers have only one request of Americans seeking vaccination when the Mothership lands in their community, please put your sunglasses on and wear a mask so you can feel cool. That’s the law around the Mothership. Pfizer hopes everyone who has yet to be vaccinated will take advantage of this exciting opportunity to protect themselves from Covid while simultaneously improving their Interplanetary Funksmanship.

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”