If there is something

Apple to offer counseling to 2000 employees after scary author terminated

Apple Inc. issued a statement today relenting to employee demands that they be offered counseling and mental health services following an incident in which a scary author was briefly permitted to work for the company and access its corporate campus.

“Apple management would like to assure its employees that anyone traumatized by the presence of the man who wrote that frightening prose can take advantage of up to a month of paid leave and access counseling services when they feel well enough to return to work,” the statement read.

Officials at Apple weren’t aware that during the time best-selling author and tech manager Antonio Garcia Martinez was working as a mild-mannered ad targeting manager for the company, his 2016 critically acclaimed book Chaos Monkeys was silently stalking and assaulting the delicate sensibilities of a substantial portion of the Apple workforce.

Readers should be warned, the following passage is highly offensive and may cause male readers to embark on an unchecked spree of misogyny. Pay careful attention to the last sentence, which is the one that caused everybody’s panties to get in a bunch.

“She had wild, green eyes with unnatural red spots in her irises when you pulled close, reminiscent of that Afghan girl from the National Geographic cover. Her personality was flinty and rough and as leathery as her skin. She had spent years between various jobs backpacking around the rougher parts of the world. She was an imposing broad-shouldered presence, six feet tall in bare feet, and towering over me in heels. Most women in the Bay are soft and weak, cosseted and naive despite their claims of worldliness, and generally full of shit.”

Employees are still wondering why they were forced to endure the hostile work environment created by the author’s cruel prose. “Were they ever going to tell us about those awful words? They were just sitting there on the page, lying in wait to victimize us,” said one employee, who wished to stress that she was not soft and weak, cosseted and naive, and that she once took a gap year and travelled to several underdeveloped countries.

In an effort to provide a safe and inclusive workplace, Apple is in the process of compiling a list of scary writers employees should consider avoiding. Reportedly topping the list is acclaimed American author Philip Roth, who the company describes as “the grand master of creepy, old dudes obsessed with sex.”

Tour officials to investigate PGA Championship riot

PGA Tour officials today vowed to get to the bottom of why thousands of golf fans were able to storm the 18th green at the PGA Championship on Sunday, and whether Phil Mickelson played any role in the melee that ensued after he hit his final approach to that green.

Moments after Mickelson hit his approach shot to 18, thousands of fans broke through police and security lines and stormed the 18th green. Officials want to determine if the siege was in any way coordinated, and if eventual winner, Phil Mickelson, possibly encouraged the mob’s behavior through his play or his actions.

“All I know is after he hit that approach he started walking toward the green and gave a ‘thumbs up’. That’s when all hell broke loose. You tell me whether or not he was giving the ‘green light’ to the mob to do its thing,” said one anonymous official.

Another avenue of investigation will involve what, if any, role social media played in what seemed to be a highly coordinated siege of the closing hole at the Ocean Course at Kiawah Island. Some have pointed to Saturday night chatter on Reddit and Facebook as proof that the storming of the green was preplanned and highly coordinated.

At this time, authorities are reviewing tape in an effort to identify some of the principal offenders. One individual of interest with whom authorities would like to speak is identified only as Beer Can Hat Dude. He is visible in much of the footage handing out beers, cheering vociferously and inciting the crowd’s raucous behavior.

After the match, Mickelson playing partner, Brooks Koepka, who at one point became engulfed by the frenzied mob, had little positive to say about the chaotic scene on the 18th hole.

“It would have been cool if I didn’t have a knee injury and got dinged a few times in the knee in that crowd because no one really gave a s***, personally,” Koepka said.

Indeed, another avenue of investigation will almost certainly look at why so few in the excited gallery were thinking of Koepka’s knee at the moment a 50-year-old Mickelson was on the verge of golfing history.

Cursing Cheerleader has some choice words for the Supreme Court

The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments Wednesday in what could turn out to be a landmark free speech case. As both sides prepare to present arguments, the young woman at the center of the controversy, commonly known as the Cursing Cheerleader, had a few choice words for the nine justices: “Don’t fuck this up SCOTUS. Cheerleading is my goddamn life and everybody else can kiss my ass, bitch.”

The dispute stems from an incident four years ago in which a high school freshman cheerleader failed to make the varsity cheer squad, prompting the girl to issue a profanity laced rant directed at her school and cheer team. “Fuck school, fuck softball, fuck cheer, fuck everything,” the teen posted on Snapchat. As is the fashion in recent years, an opportunistic young tattle-tale took a screenshot of the post and showed it to the appropriate authorities who promptly suspended the girl from the cheer team.

An expletive laden friend-of-the-court brief was filed on the teen’s behalf by notable free speech advocates Ice-T, Luther Campbell, Willie D, Jello Biafra and the estates of Frank Zappa and George Carlin. The brief read in part:

I gotta bone to pick cause I’m sick

Of you motherfuckers talkin shit

We put you up, you put us down and I’m mad

Time to talk about your dog ass

The brief goes on to make a number of salient points defending the rights of all Americans to engage in free and spirited discourse without fear of sanction or retribution:

Fuck the motherfuckin critics, fuck newspapers

Fuck the radio stations

And fuck your parents against rap

We buried ya fuckin cockroaches

Court watchers worry that a ruling against the Cursing Cheerleader could muzzle the voices of young women everywhere, and potentially dishonor the memory and achievements of the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who as a young law student once threatened to set her professor’s balls on fire for a bad grade she received. The professor was so impressed with the young law student’s spirit and pluck that, instead of suspending the not-yet-notorious RBG, he raised her grade. A decision in the case is expected by this summer.

“Make my vax the P-Vax”: Pfizer harnesses P.Funk power to promote increased vaccination

Do not attempt to adjust your internet connection, there is nothing wrong. Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer and legendary developers of uncut funk, the P-Funk All-Stars, have taken control to bring you a very special show and raise awareness about the need to get vaccinated. While over 100 million doses of the Covid vaccine have been dispensed so far, millions of Americans have yet to be vaccinated. In response, Pfizer is dispatching the Mothership to touch down in areas around the country most in need of inoculation. Pumping “Make my vax the P-Vax” and operating at 500,000 kilowatts of P.Funk power, the Mothership has set an ambitious goal of dispensing an additional 100 million doses of vaccine by Memorial Day. P-Vax workers have only one request of Americans seeking vaccination when the Mothership lands in their community, please put your sunglasses on and wear a mask so you can feel cool. That’s the law around the Mothership. Pfizer hopes everyone who has yet to be vaccinated will take advantage of this exciting opportunity to protect themselves from Covid while simultaneously improving their Interplanetary Funksmanship.

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

After a year of isolation and obscurity, celebrities are finally getting some long-overdue attention

Although the past year has been difficult for most American’s, nowhere has the year of isolation and loneliness been felt more acutely than among our nation’s celebrities. Deprived of regular doses of attention, flattery and fawning adulation, the selfless celebrities tirelessly toiling in America’s entertainment industry are about to receive some much-deserved recognition for their work over the past twelve months. While getting likes on Twitter, or whatever the equivalent is on Instagram, can provide microdoses of soothing admiration from fans, there is nothing like the vanity inducing rush of posing on the red carpet, bathed in bursts of light from hundreds of flashbulbs. Finally, with awards season upon us, our nation’s celebrities will be seen and appreciated for giving so much of themselves and asking so little in return. In the spirit of sacrifice so many Americans have been called upon to endure this year, celebrities are forgoing the $50,000 swag bags in favor of more modest $5000 bags of swag. It really gives one the sense that we’re all in this together, and that famous people are no different than the little guy. Oprah really brought that feeling home during her interview with the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton. Who couldn’t relate to throwing one’s family under a red, double-decker London Bus for some short-term fame and notoriety? It’s refreshing to see a prince and a princess who no longer care to attach themselves to their royal titles, wanting only to live like the rest of the common folk, do Oprah interviews and be famous for being famous. Yes, soon the stars will be out and the press and entertainment industry will honor them with richly-deserved statues of gold. For its part, the public can brace itself for yet another year of mundane remakes, uninspired sequels, and Marvel movies.

Cuomo pledges to flatten curve on rising number of sexual misconduct cases

As the number of Andrew Cuomo sexual misconduct victims continues to rise, threatening to overrun the state’s legal system, the New York governor has pledged to use all available resources to flatten the curve by the end of the month. In recent days, additional victims have come forward acknowledging exposure to what legal experts and public health officials are now variously calling Cuomovirus or Cuomo-21.

“Certainly we’re concerned about the rapidly expanding rate of Cuomo-21 cases. The governor has already indicated a strong desire to do whatever it takes to slow the spread, including holding daily press briefings to keep the public informed about what New York state government is doing to defeat the threat Cuomo poses,” said the governor’s spokesperson, Rachel Garvey.

In the governor’s first press briefing, he pledged 21 days to stop the spread and urged all women who might potentially fall into his orbit to just stay home. “Ladies, I can’t stress this enough, please just stay home. If you can all just keep yourselves away from me for as long as possible, I think we can bring down the curve,” the governor emphasized.

As of Wednesday there were six confirmed cases of misconduct, but experts warn the real number is almost certainly much higher. “For every reported case there could be as many as ten additional cases we don’t even know about,” warned Anne Clark, one of the attorney’s appointed to lead the investigation.

Many in the public are wondering when we might expect to see the number of daily cases peak and begin to decline. Governor Cuomo addressed the issue in Wednesday’s briefing. “Listen, we’ve been paying very close attention to the projection models. Right now, it’s anybody’s guess when these women with whom I’ve had previous encounters will stop coming forward. The curve could continue to rise, bend and then fall dramatically, or it might at some point level off. Really, it’s incumbent upon you ladies to self-isolate in your homes for the next three weeks, or if you must be in my presence, please maintain a distance of at least six feet and cover yourself entirely in loose-fitting unattractive garments,” Cuomo said.

Developing story: Police involved in restroom stall standoff with local man

At this hour, a police standoff continues with an incontinent local man who was reported to be in violation of several public health ordinances. At 7:35 this morning, employees at Downtown Health & Fitness placed a 911 call reporting a man inside a restroom stall releasing a noxious, and potentially hazardous, gas into the men’s locker room airspace. A quick-thinking employee immediately placed the men’s changing room on lockdown, as nervous patrons and employees waited for authorities to arrive.

“I had just entered the men’s lockers to refill the paper towel dispensers when I almost immediately encountered this malodorous haze that seemed to be emanating from the bathroom stall area. As I began to wretch violently, I had the presence of mind to grab the wall phone and dial the front desk. I can’t remember anything after that, but apparently a couple of fellow attendants pulled me to safety and the room was sealed off,” reported one of the gym’s employees.

A police tactical unit wearing gas masks quickly surrounded the stall where the man is thought to be hunkered down. Negotiators are currently in place and are attempting to communicate with the suspect.

“At present we have an extremely unpredictable situation confronting us in that locker room. This man has already incapacitated several individuals. Additionally, we don’t know if Covid is going to come into play here. As for casualties, I don’t have a number for you at this time, but I definitely saw bodies on the floor in there. Let’s just hope they’re going to be okay,” said a police spokesperson.

The identity of the suspect is presently unknown, but gym patrons report he had been experiencing difficulty while using one of the stair machines. “He appeared to be sweating profusely and experiencing a great deal of abdominal discomfort. Suddenly, he ran for the lockers and a short time later all hell broke loose,” said an unidentified patron.

If the history doesn’t fit, you must stealth edit it

For some of our most respected and revered media institutions, history has become increasingly uncooperative and uncharitable toward the narratives they’re trying to peddle these days. A number of media outlets are finding it necessary to edit the stories of days gone by to make them more in keeping with the present day. After all, why update your thinking or try to maintain some semblance of consistency with regard to past events, when you can just go back and change the way you reported or interpreted those events at the time?

Following a recent Salon article that blasted Senator Tom Cotton for allegedly misleading the public about his service as a U.S. Army Ranger, some media outlets could barely keep up with the stealth editing necessary to make their current reporting more accurate and less hypocritical. Cotton graduated from Army Ranger training school and earned the honor to wear the Ranger pin, but he never actually served with the unit. Up until a week ago, it was quite common to refer to these service members as Rangers, but after the Salon attack piece, media outlets had some work to do to change all that. Newsweek, not wanting to be left out of the media pile-on, used the Salon article to launch an attack of its own on Cotton. However, Cotton’s staff notified Newsweek that it had referred in 2015 to the first two female graduates of the training program as Rangers. (So had Congress, by the way.) Newsweek went back and edited the article, relieving the barrier-breaking female graduates of their Army Ranger status. Now the publication was free to attack Cotton without appearing to engage in any double standards. It must have felt pretty liberating to the Newsweek editors to throw two female Army Rangers under the bus just so they could go after a high-profile Senator from the wrong team.

Indeed, fickle history doesn’t always cooperate when the media sets about attacking a public figure for partisan or ideological reasons. Back in October, during the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the then nominee was attacked by Senator Mazie Hirono for using the term “sexual preference.” Unbeknownst to nearly everyone on the planet, the term had apparently become “offensive and outdated.” Despite evidence the term had been in recent common usage by the very same news outlets and journalists who now criticized Barrett, the media rushed to brand the term as offensive. According to MSNBC producer, Kyle Griffin, “Sexual preference,” a term used by Justice Barrett, is offensive and outdated. The term implies sexuality is a choice. It is not. News organizations should not repeat Justice Barrett’s words without providing that important context.” Good thing MSNBC provided that impartial and objective context, because the folks over at Merriam-Webster hadn’t seen fit to update the definition of the term until the brou-ha-ha erupted. The dictionary people quickly edited the term’s definition, doing its part to add legitimacy to the media attacks on Barrett.

One of the most egregious examples of stealth editing was brought to light last September when it was discovered that the New York Times had quietly memory-holed the core claim of its 1619 Project, the celebrated history series which garnered a Pulitzer Prize for its creator Nikole Hannah-Jones. Initially, the piece attempted to reframe history in a manner that belied the facts. When leading historians pointed out these errors of fact, the Times edited the piece without notice, dropping the core claim of the project. Additionally, as if to assert that the public was suffering from some kind of Mandela Effect delusion, Nikole Hannah-Jones publicly asserted that the project had never made the claim to begin with. Attempts to rewrite or reframe history for a present and future audience are common. It’s how history is recorded. But time travelling in a digital space and changing history in an effort to conceal the fact that you ever misled or misstated facts about history…are you f-ing serious? It feels like trying to create a simulation within a simulation. One day journalists and historians may look back on this time as a sort of dark ages, when authors went to such extreme lengths to conceal, alter and meddle with the facts of history, that the true story of what really happened is rendered indiscernible. In any event, it will probably be one really hot mess for someone to disentangle.